Bucketheadland Pike #4 – Underground Chamber

Bucketheadland Pike #4 - Underground Chamber

Released: August 17, 2011
Length: 30:43

The journey through the underground chamber begins with a mess of electronic noise over a steady hip hop drum beat. It doesn’t take long before it kicks off into a introductory guitar solo before moving on to more electronic mess. Things slow down at the 2:30 mark, like you’re waiting for an elevator to take you further down. It’s about here when some REAL MANLY GUITAR STUFF ramps up into full gear. It doesn’t take long before Buckethead does some nimble pick work over a slightly industrial backbone.

Eugene Mirman - I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

Stand-up comedian Eugene Mirman’s album I’m Sorry (You’re Welcome) is 540 tracks! Glug!

Underground Chamber is one single 31-minute track. It bounces around like crazy, never really sticking with one style too long before moving onto something else. I used to be intimidated by extra-long tracks. The longest track I had ever listened to until I became a Phish fan was Frank Zappa’s “Billy the Mountain”, which is about 24 minutes long. Stuff like Leng Tch’e by Naked City (also 31 minutes) and Delìrivm Còrdia by Fantômas (74 minutes!) were always skipped over when deciding upon other albums by the same bands. Just the idea of the same thing for such a long runtime felt daunting to me. I have a similar apprehension with albums that have dozens of tracks. Have you ever heard Agoraphobic Nosebleed’s Altered States of America? I haven’t! It’s 100 tracks! Granted, almost all of them are less than 30 seconds each, but come on, man! That’s too many tracks!

OK, I’m at the 13-minute mark of Underground Chamber already and it sounds like your typical Buckethead melodic riffing over some slight backmasking in the percussion. It sounds cool, like he’s playing with some knobs with his other two hands while he shreds. Like a quadrapus.

Since a single unbroken track doesn’t leave me much to riff off of (pun intended), let me take a moment to wax nostalgic about what got me into Buckethead in the first place! The year was 2007, back when I thought his output was pretty sizeable already! The dude couldn’t have put out more than 25 albums back then (many collaborations, though), but I absolutely adored Frank Zappa’s Shut Up ‘n Play Yer Guitar, Guitar, and Trance-Fusion records and I was looking for another guy who made entire albums of guitar hero exercises. Sure, I could’ve settled for Steve Vai, or Joe Satriani, or Paul Gilbert, or Jeff Beck, but how much more enigmatic could you be besides Buckethead?

Joe Satriani

You’re not even wearing a mask, Joe! You’re fooling nobody with those sunglasses.

I’m at the 20-minute mark, and the riffs have become very straightforward while the rhythm section jumps between organic drumming and synthesized drum machine scrapes and shuffles. This has already changed to strange high-register picking, distorted into odd, bended notes before reverting back. Low-key stuff starts up at 21:30! This album is all over the place!

I was fascinated by Buckethead’s anonymity and prolificacy. I liked how his debut, Bucketheadland, was a complete roller coaster (pun intended) of genres and styles. I liked how Colma was as chill as it gets. I liked how Bermuda Triangle was just a complete jumble of electronic noise and bizarre, otherworldly guitar work. Enter the Chicken features vocals from Serj Tankian of System of a Down! That’s cool, right? Serj is a straight-up G.

29-minute mark. Buckethead is doing that thing where he makes his guitar sound like a bandsaw. Then he just noodles with sparse picking. There is barely any real percussion at this point, almost as if the end of the titular Underground Chamber is a big room where you get electrocuted and slaughtered and there is no God. Scary stuff, but you never leave the Underground Chamber alive!…

The end! Fun stuff, you guys. Thank you for making it to the end of the Underground Chamber alive with me. See you on the next trip.


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Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #4 – “Alienated”

* Part 4 of 6 of the No Fear storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #4 – “Alienated”! In the previous installment, Hal fights the New Manhunter and destroys him (maybe?) while successfully preventing the Old Manhunter from carrying out a self-destruct sequence that blows up Coast City all over again. And by “preventing from carrying out” I mean “allowing it to carry out” in outer space. After billions of years of existence, the robot finally shows an emotion ahead of its impeding death: fear.

Hal wants to send a voicemail or a telegram or something to the Guardians to inform them that the Manhunters are “back” and “trying to destroy old Manhunters” and also “everybody else”. John Stewart suspects that the Guardians know this already.

Speaking of Manhunters, there is a hooded figure acting as, from what I’ve gathered, the new leader of the Manhunters. The Corps is attempting reformation, and they need to be stopped.

I’m not on board with Space Cops, so I personally don’t mind if the Corps doesn’t reform. That’s just me. I’m sympathetic to the Manhunters! lol

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #4 [October, 2005]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“Alienated”

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #4

Enter the mustachioed, orange-eyed, drooling Vegetable Man. A lovely dude, to say the least. And the most. He showed up in the Rebirth series a couple of times and his visage simply nauseated me! Moving on…

Ten miles outside of Edwards Air Force Base, a couple of uniformed douchenozzles are driving in a jeep and douchenozzlin’ it up. “Did you see that blonde in the cowboy hat?” says Douchenozzle #1. “I should’ve said something.” Douchenozzle #2 makes fun of his game, and says that he was able to secure a phone number from a tattooed brunette!

This conversation is inconsequential. An alien shows up in the road, and the jeep doesn’t stop in time before the alien gets hit. BAM, et al. “Oh no. This isn’t happening. This isn’t… Did I kill it?”

The alien stirs. The alien croaks. It stirs and croaks and shuffles and burbles.

“…I… I just… I just went out for a cigarette…”

[LAUGH TRACK]

[APPLAUSE]

[FULL HOUSE THEME PLAYS]

I forget this fuckface’s name, goddamnit, but he and Hal Jordan are on Oa where Ganthet and the other Guardians of the Universe are Deploying more and more Rings. The Corps has been reinstated! The rings are flying out to the many sectors of the universe looking for worthy candidates to represent their districts! No voting here, all appointees. Keep the power away from the people!

Kilowog, that’s his name. He’s some dumb beast thing who’s supposed to be really good at Green Lanterning. The Guardians have asked him to personally train the next wave of Green Lanterns. “Even got a few females this time around.” Look out for many sexual harassment cases in the near future. Does the Green Lantern Corps have an HR department?

What’s Hal Jordan’s task? Stay away! Guard your sector and keep it shut. The Guardians want to see more of Guy Gardner and Kyle Rayner than him and that John Stewart blowjob. The adults are conducting important business, so scram!

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #4

You want to see ugly humans? Buddy, travel to Mississippi.

A small group of new alien-type Lanterns spot Hal Jordan and point and gawk, which prompts Hal to do “HURF DURF DO THESE GUYS EVEN KNOW WHO I AM??” Kilowog has some news for Mr. Big Guy over here: “The universe is a damn big place, and in the grand scheme of things you just ain’t that important.” So fuck off, you ugly human.

“I hear they never leave their home planet,” pipes in Bumpy Froggy Face. “They’re born there and they’re buried there.”

“Total backwater star system,” adds Bulgy Black Eyes.

Hal smirks and challenges all of these aliens to “a round in the mud marsh”, which sounds to me like hot oil wrestling. Sexy times are ahead. Kilowog says he’s got training, but Hal all but goes “BAWK BAWK BAWK ARE YA CHICKEN?” Oldest trick in the book. Even aliens can be manipulated through their fragile masculinity.

Kilowog and Hal do some mud wrestling for about 47 pages before I get tired and bored and skip ahead. Suddenly, the the ethereal disembodied head of the Drooling Vegetable Man pops in next to Hal’s head. “…oh Jordan… wait until you find out what they’ve done! They’re back!”

This distraction gives Kilowog the advantage! SWASSH! That’s a sound effect that probably meant something. Hal asks Kilowog if he heard that he just heard, but Kilowog doesn’t get to answer before Hal gets a Green Ring Phone Call from General Stone. He needs Hal back at the base post haste! No time to waste! Bring your face so he can spray it with mace!

In Hangar 44, the dead alien is sprawled out on an autopsy table. He’s already been cut open. I’m pretty sure they’ll determine the cause of death to be “hit by a jeep”, hopefully, if they do their jobs right.

Hal does a quick scan…

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #4

You know, I thought he looked like Haley Joel Osment circa 1999!

A human? Preposterous! Look at him, he looks like he’s gonna probe your tender buttholes ANY SECOND, dead or not dead. “About fifty thousand years further down the evolutionary chain than us.”

Another phone call interruption! Damn these kids and their cellular telephones. The warden at Belle Reve prison wants Hal to stop by. Hector Hammond (Vegetable Man?) has a message.

Hal makes a face like this —-> >:[

The warden of the prison looks like George Lucas with infinitely more chin. They speak of Hammond Hector Hammond Hamster’s containment unit. Usually the barriers in the cell prevent his “psychotic tantrums”, but lately he’s been able to punch through the walls. “He erased the mind of one of our guards when he was, um, hosing him down.”

I see. Hal’s gonna want to see that hose. “Then Hammond shut down the brain activity of another guard.” They’re going to work on a cell block another 200 feet below the ground. Where all the radon is.

Some supervillain in a cell starts ranting at Hal. Hal punches him with a Green Lantern construct. This part wasn’t important! The important part is that Hal starts descending some stairs toward the Big Headed Guy with the Mind Powers. “He’s here,” the Vegetable Man thinks. “Oh yes. Yes. He did come. Hahahaha. This will be delightful.”

Hammond gets giddier and giddier as Hal approaches. He has to remind himself to stay cool, calm, and collected while Hal turns the key to his cell.

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #4

Awww, look at the adorable widdle baby!

These two talk to each other like they’re a couple of petty old ladies. Hammond knows exactly who and what the alien is, but he wants a trade for the information. He wants Hal’s memories! Not all of them, just the sexy ones that involve fuckin’. I’m not joking. “You’ve wined and dined a few. More than a few. Just let me experience one. Just one!”

Hammond’s information is worth enough to Hal, so he gives in. Just the dinner part, though. No pussy.

“Yes. But give me a good conversation. One you paid attention to. I know your type.”

“All right. I got one. I’m letting my guard down.”

“Do you have someone a bit taller?”

“Don’t push your luck.”

Hammond drools as he watches Hal offer to fly a young lady in the sky. That’s all he gets.

NO! NO NO NO! MORE ENCOUNTERS WITH WOMEN, DAMNIT! YOU DON’T GET A SINGLE BIT OF INFO UNTIL HAMMOND SEES SOME TITTIES! Hammond pries harder into Hal’s mind, pulling out childhood memories, fun Green Lantern memories, memories of ice cream and ponies and meadows and FULL HOUSE RERUNS!

“♪ ♫ ♬ Everywhere you look… everywhere you go… there’s a heart (there’s a heart), a hand to hold onto… ♪ ♫ ♬”

“Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve tasted anything but the paste they pour down my throat?” Hammond cries. “Flying those jets. Having friends and lovers. Give me your memories! Your life!”

Hal fights back: “AAARR!”

Hammond is hit: “UNN!”

“I reach into his brain with the ring. The beams zip past his cerebellum. It’s shriveled like a raisin. His motor skills useless. His body numb to nearly everything…” No fucking shit, Hal? Really? The decrepit piece of shit with the wasted-away body can’t do anything? That’s a revelation! An epiphany! Tell me more! “I find the thalamus. And I turn the somatosensory cortex back on.” OK, Hal, you can’t be stupid for five sentences and then say things like “somatosensory”. You’re throwing me off here.

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #4

Yeah, Hal’s penis ‘tween the buttocks.

So Hal does some superpowered Green Lantern-fueled pain in the ol’ brain, and Hammond can’t handle the heat! Get out of the kitchen, as they say.

Exposition dialogue time. Hammond asks Hal if he remembers how he got this way, and Hal does. Something about being evolved a million years by a meteor. A meteor that was put in front of Hammond by “them”. Is “them” the government? Is “them” Key and Peele? I hope I find out soon! *snores so loudly that an earthquake hits Turkey*

THEY like to experiment. THEY like to tear things apart just to rebuild them again how they see fit. And bad news, poopypants. THEY are back and in Coast City. “Checking on their other experiment.” What do you readers think the other experiment is?? A baking soda and vinegar volanco, I hope.

Hal’s ring confirms the validity of Hammond’s statements. Before he gets blasted with some more light, Hammond pleads for more memories. “I want to see more… I want to… I just want to be part of it. Oh Hal… I want to be you.”

How very pathetic. This guy can’t even get his bone on with the sexy Carol Ferris. Why would anyone want to be a failure like him?

Back in Coast City, a couple of lovebirds are swimming nudely in the river. They exchange some sexy talk before something bites the man’s ankle. “OW!” he is heard to remark.

Then he gets torn the fuck up by sharks. Like, 100 sharks. The woman scrambles to shore, huffing and puffing and muffing and stuffing. “I’m safe…”

Then the bloody eyeball of her lover plops onto her arm. Then it’s revealed that it’s some crazy fucked-up man-shark creature, mouth stuffed full of bloody dead human. The woman screams.

Final Thoughts

Absolutely disgusting. I love it!

Things are just a tad all over the place right now. Suddenly there’s nothing going on with the Manhunters and there are man-sharks dropped in our laps. Let’s wrap this up with a bow, Geoff Johns! You’re supposed to be the best at this shit.


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Paper Girls, Issue #30

* Part 5 of 5 of the Paper Girls Volume 6 storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Paper Girls, Issue #30! The whole series comes to a close with the double-length issue, and I’m INCONSOLABLY sad that I have be finished. I would have hung onto the series for another 200 issues, but such is life. It’s not fair.

In the previous installment, the girls all converge in Stony Stream, circa 1831 where they will finally be returned to their own time, blissfully unaware that any of their time travel adventures had happened. Jahpo gets tendrilled by an Editrix and sees visions of his young life as Wari’s son in 11,706 BCE.

A brief, tender moment of goodbyes gets rudely interrupted by 19 Erin and Duplicate Erin, who zaps the four of them back to their time. This last issue will show the aftermath, I imagine. And perhaps what the four of them actually did after their route on November 1, 1988.

It’s been a great ride.

Paper Girls, Issue #30 [July, 2019]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan

Paper Girls, Issue #30

“If you laugh at me, I’m gonna punch you in the boob.”

KJ is “enjoying” her bat mitzvah. Mac has shown up in her usual Mac garb. “Jesus. KJ, you look… I mean, I didn’t know this was gonna be so… dressy.”

Erin pops in with a tattered skirt. “Sorry I’m late! This stupid thing got stuck in my spokes!”

It’s 1989, almost one year after that fateful day. They keep calling Erin “new kid” because they literally don’t remember her name.

Tiff walks in with a leather jacket, sunglasses, and a gun, looking literally like the Terminator. She fucking shoots Erin right through the torso with a big, rainbow-y blast.

“ERIN!” screams KJ.

“That was her name,” says Mac.

Tiff: “I have a message.”

KJ: “Please. You have to dance with me.”

Mac: “Like, slow dance?”

Tiff: “Remember. We’re not just papergirls. We’re–”

KJ: “Mac, you love me.”

Mac: “I do?”

Then Mac wakes up in her shithole of a bedroom. “You overslept, stupid.”

It’s Hell Morning. Mac’s brother is wearing a creepy mask. “And my boys are still out there, so I hope you’re ready to get egged in the face.”

He rummages through the pigsty of their living room looking for his Walkman, which Mac stole. Next, she’s seen biking down the street with the music cranked and a cigarette hanging from her mouth.

KJ wakes up in her nice rich-girl bedroom. “Karina? Aren’t you late for your little job, sweetheart?”

It’s Hell Morning. KJ’s mother sips coffee with their poodle at her feet. KJ is trying to remember her kickass dream, but it fades. She looks quite miserable.

Tiff wakes up on her couch in front of the glowing TV screen. “…not… just… paper…”

PRESS START TO CONTINUE. Round 36. She’s in the last level of Arkanoid! Maybe just another 15 minutes… and…

“What’s wrong with you?” asks a visage from the TV screen. Unphased, Tiff slowly moves her finger toward the power button of the Nintendo and…

Erin wakes Missy up after crashing a lamp on the floor.

Paper Girls, Issue #30

Oh, that? That’s just a… uhm… it’s a tattoo of… you ever see that Kurt Vonnegut drawing of the butthole?

Huh? That mark on Erin’s stomach must be a rash or something. Very curious. Wonder if she travelled through time, got shot in the stomach, and had a pile of bugs repair the wound? Occam’s Razor, man.

“I’ve never seen one like that,” Missy scowls, staring at the scar.

“Yeah, well you don’t even know what puberty is,” says Erin. I loled.

After Missy threatens to tell their mother, Erin begs her not to say WORD ONE about it or she’ll die of heart attack syndrome. She’ll force Erin to stay home and the Cleveland Preserver will fire her. And this job is important! She doesn’t know why, but it’s important!

“Mac! How’s it going?” Tiff rolls up next to Mac. “Don’t know if you remember, but we delivered together last year.”

“Tonya, right?”

“Tiffany.”

Mac asks if Tiff’s seen KJ around. Nope, but there’s some new kid named Erin. You may have heard of her? Her older self died sending them back to 11,706 BCE? “Erin with an ‘E’? For real? How many of us are working Stony Stream now?” Mac asks, taking a puff of her cigarette. “Guess you started a fad,” Tiff answers.

Anyway, Tiff gave Erin a walkie-talkie so that she can radio if she needs any–

Paper Girls, Issue #30

I bet this new kid eats vaseline on her toast.

*kzzt* “Um, calling Tiffany?” *kzzt*

This is the part where Erin tells Tiff that she spotted three teenage jerks trying to corner KJ down a cul-de-sac. The three show up to save the day. Mac calls the Freddy Krueger kid a “fart-mouth”, which his two friends agree with! “Why don’t you mind your business, Coyle?” he yells.

“My brother told me you got fired from Friendly’s for dipping your hairy balls in the Fribble machine.”

Yuck, Fribble balls? This kid flips the bird and tells her good luck getting home alive. Then they fuck off into the night.

“I could have handled them on my own, you know,” KJ grumbles. More douchebags on the prowl, so Erin suggests sticking together. Good plan, maybe they’ll find a time capsule and–

So the four ride down the street and get to know each other. “Back in ‘83, I dressed up as Robin. From Batman?” Erin says. “But I got scared looking out the window at all the neighborhood kids and went to hide under my parents’ bed. I ended up getting a fever. I didn’t go out, and that was pretty much it for my mom and dad, so I never went out on Halloween again.”

…

“That is the single saddest story I’ve heard in my entire life,” KJ replies, shooting Erin a look of unbridled pity.

A station wagon honks and blares its lights behind the girls. Tiff recognizes it as a woman who keeps bothering her on her route, thinking she’s following her. The car suddenly accelerates and brakes right in front of Erin, who crashes and falls before she has a chance to avoid it.

About two seconds later, a car full of hooligans wearing skeleton costumes blaze past the stop sign crossing the intersection. Surely, one or more of the girls would’ve been killed…

Then the car speeds off again.

“WAIT! Who are you?” Tiff screams trying to run after the woman.

Paper Girls, Issue #30

.♪ ♫ ♬ ♪ Born to be wiiiiiiillld! .♪ ♫ ♪

Tiff wonders if this was some sort of guardian angel who purposely stopped them all from getting fucked up in the intersection, but I don’t think most guardian angels have tribal tattoos.

Still on the ground after beefin’ it, Erin asks Mac for a cigarette! Of all things!

You know what? Cigarettes for everyone!

The four of them share a moment smoking at a playground. Erin takes a puff. “With all the warnings and stuff, I didn’t think it was gonna taste so great.” Ahh, preteen rebellion. The most I ever did was sneak downstairs at midnight to use the internet.

Tiff fiddles with her cigarette a bit and declares that she’s going to quit paper-girling. It’s all about the money, man, and she’s tired of it. Tired of stuff. Tired of capitalism. “And most of whatever I think I’ll like is just some slightly different version of crap that made me happy as a kid.” She glares at her expensive walkie-talkie. “I mean, maybe I need to grow up a little.”

Are we already on the path to Double-Oh Tiff? A life of meaningless Bohemianism and dating Marilyn Manson lookalikes?

The other three girls agree to take Tiff’s customers. She flicks her cigarette in the river and heads to her final four houses. “A paperboy always finishes strong,” says KJ, taking a line from the Paperboy Handbook (5th edition with the glossy cover).

A few more panels of idle chit chat and the four start turning in. “Well, this has been real, but I should be getting home,” Mac says, and Tiff shares the sentiment. “Catch you freaks later.” And Mac rides home.

Then KJ takes off too.

Then Tiff.

“Bye,” Erin waves sadly. Then there’s a montage of the view zooming out. Intersection to neighborhood to city to state to country to Earth to the Milk Way and– “WAIT!”

“You guys! Hold up!”

The other three come back to the interesction.

“Hey. Um, I’m not sure about you, but I don’t have to start getting ready for school for, like, another hour. Want to ride together a little longer?”

…

“…sure.”

“Why not?”
“Yeah, I’m in.”

Paper Girls, Issue #30

Final Thoughts

Beautiful. What a fantastic fucking series. I like the part where there were 28 issues of no paper deliveries.

This was the best series I’ve ever read, although I admittedly still haven’t read much. Now what am I gonna read next? More Superman? Go fuck yourself, Superman. I need more Brian K. Vaughan in my life. Either Saga or Runaways, I suppose. I heard good things about both!

Or I could read more Fuckface Superman.


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Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #39 – “Therapy”

* Part 7 of 7 of the Venom storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #39 – “Therapy”! Wrapping up the storyline with an issue that will, I assume, be all about Peter Parker talking to a school counselor about why he sucks so damn much! In the previous installment, Venom Eddie Brock faces off against Peter Parker. Parker tries to help him the whole time, proving that he was the good guy in this whole scenario. In case you couldn’t tell. Eventually, the police get involved and they shoot Brock seventy-two times right in the dick, killing him dead.

Parker’s dad had a lot of words of wisdom in his video message. Some people are just the way they are, and you’ll never know why they are the way they are. You can go mad trying to figure it out! And then you can die in a plane crash, leaving your child orphaned and forced to live with his smelly Aunt May.

Onward to the aftermath.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #39 [June, 2003]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Therapy”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #39

Nicholas Aloysius Silverstein Wulfric Brian Fury is having a lovely meal at a restaurant. Outdoor seating. His fancy wrist watch goes “GLEEK” and he makes a face that looks like if gleek could make a face. “One eye eagle,” radios in a S.H.I.E.L.D. soldier, “we are receiving a recurring energy flux in your immediate area.”

Cool beenus. Fury tells him that he’ll take care of it, over and out, and no questions. “Keep online, await my command.”

Fury slowly walks to a nearby alley and flashes a light out of his watch that makes a bulky mass suddenly fall with an “OOF!” into a dumpster. Temporary genetic paralysis. Sounds useful.

“Peter Parker, why are you following me?…” Fury asks with a demeanor opposite that of his surname. “…Where’s your little Spider-Man costume?”

It’s in the shop! Er… what costume?? Heh. Uh… my dog ate it.

Parker has been following Nick Fury ever since he left his S.H.I.E.L.D. House of Donuts, and he didn’t even notice! As the leader of the top espionage organization on the entire planet, he’s impressed! Enough with that, though. Parker has a request of Fury: take away his powers. “I don’t want them. I don’t want to be Spider-Man and I don’t want my powers.”

Sounds to me like Peter Parker misses some of that MJ fuckin’. He asks fury to inject him with something or spray him or immerse him in vile liquid or something. Just do it.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #39

This Aaron Sorkin production coming soon to a comic book near you.

Fury doesn’t wanna. Parker explains the whole Eddie Brock situation, which is something S.H.I.E.L.D. has actually been keeping an eye on. Good work, lad. Fury radios Agent Carter and tells her that Parker took care of it. “Finish up and get out of there,” he tells her before GLEEKing out. “So what happened?” he goes back to Parker. “Where’s the creep now? Did you kill him?”

He thinks so? Hard to say. There’s no body. He just disappeared. “Kid. There’s not too many actual rules to this game of ours, but one of the big ones is: If there’s no corpse… the guy’s alive.”

Solid information.

“Best you could hope for is that you scared him into never trying any stupid crap like that again. (But sadly, one of the other rules is that you probably didn’t.)”

He’s like the dad he never had die in a plane crash or get bulleted in the chest by a scoundrel.

“Are you listening to me?!! I think I killed someone. I want you to do the right thing.”

With great power comes great responsibility, kiddo.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #39

Want what? That facial expression? Because, buddy, I don’t want you to have it either.

Fury tells the sniveling whiner that he needs to ask himself if anybody’s life is better because of what he did today. Yes? Then keep at it. No? Do better tomorrow. Don’t forget, Fury has his eye on you, buckaroo. You’re prime S.H.I.E.L.D. material! There are a lot of janitorial services that need to be done around the office. Maria Hill pukes everywhere. “You’ll work alongside Tony Stark. Doctor Bruce Banner. Captain America…” and he lists other people no one would ever want to spend time with. “You don’t want to be Spider-Man anymore? Fine. What else you doing to do? Work at Burger King? I have. You don’t want to.”

lol that Fury tells the school nerd that he’ll work at Burger King if he doesn’t want to be Spider-Man. Nothing in between here, it appears. Fury does have some good advice, though: take some time off. “Just because you’re Spider-Man doesn’t mean you have to be Spider-Man every single second of every single day.”

Parker asks Fury how his parents died. Fury doesn’t know. Seriously, he doesn’t. Seriously, stop asking. Seriously. Parker frowns, not really believing him. I’m not sure what he thinks Fury might know. That their plane was shot down? That Eddie Brock murdered them? That they ate too many delicious Burger King burgers that Nick Fury prepared for them and fell asleep at the wheel? Meh.

They shake hands and Fury sends him off on his merry little way. “It’s all right. But next time you want to talk to me – make an appointment. Or I’ll shoot you.”

The best advice yet! Parker leaps around town unsatisfied. He needs to know what happened to Eddie Brock. He can’t leave it open-ended like this, even though he should. He should just go home and play Mario Kart and jerk off to Princess Peach like a normal 15-year-old. But no, he wants to clean up his own mess this time. Not the police or S.H.I.E.L.D. or Nick Fury or the Jonas Brothers or anybody like that.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #39

Yuck. Face the responsibility of looking like dogshit first.

Parker travels to Empire State University to see if Brock is in his dorm room. He ain’t. “You missed him,” Brock’s roommate tells him while cleaning up the trash heap that comprises 96% of the living space. “But if you see him, tell him he still owes me $750 for that thing that time.”

Brock must have returned because all his stuff is gone. “Left his garbage for me to clean up, which is so entirely like him.” So Brock is gone. Without a trace… except for the garbage, I suppose. When Parker asks the roommate why he hates Brock so much, he responds that Eddie was so full of shit all the fucking time that you knew he was lying almost all the time. He also constantly went psycho when every girl turned him down. It was getting old.

Next, Parker travels to the science lab and finds a man drinking at a table. “My name is Doctor Curt Connors… Who might you be?” He looks like Hugh Jackman as Wolverine drinking as much as Wolverine and snarling like Wolverine if he found out he was to be played by Hugh Jackman. “Are you Peter Parker?”

GULP! GLEEK! “It was you, wasn’t it?” he continues, pouring another glass. “I saw you on TV, wearing the suit your father invented. The suit in phase two. Form-fitting. Strength-enhancing. You seemed to really be enjoying yourself.”

This guy is a huge windbag. He says about 80 more sentences that amounts to this: “I finally put two and two together that Ray Parker’s son is Spider-Man. Cool.”

Once upon a time, Spider-Man saved Connors’ life. He saved his family. I don’t remember this at all! Did this happen? I don’t fucking remember that shit. But Parker never told anyone, and CUNT Connors seems satisfied with that.

“Your father’s project is gone. Gone, gone. And with it another year of my life wasted.” Connors takes another swig. He looks healthy.

Parker thinks he might finally get the answers he wants, like “what happened” and “why’d it do dat?” and “where’s muh underpants?” But Connors doesn’t know much more than he does about any of this stuff, not really. Everything in the lab is gone, and he was hoping Parker could be the one to shed light on this for him. Alas, the kid doesn’t even know where his underpants are.

Connors has a lot of drunk ramblings that don’t seem that important. Something about mutants and God punishing everyone, I guess. “We seem dead set on turning ourselves into little monsters, don’t we? Wonder why that is. It’s all the rage. All of a sudden.”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #39

My life is full of tulips, asshole.

“And all of us, everyone one of us, is sooo busy running around, trying to beat each other to the finish line – that no one notices the big sign from God that says: Stop messing with my stuff.”

OK, sir, you’ve had enough to drink I reckon. Give me the glass. Just give me the glass. Give me the– give me the glass! Give it! Give it to me! No, stop it! Stop it! Give it to me!

Connors apologizes to Parker for his dad accidentally being “the architect, the pioneer, of this horrible decade of genetic nightmares”, which really ticks him off. But, hey, Einstein wasn’t trying to invent the atomic bomb, but things beget other things in this stupid-ass world we live in.

Then Connors falls asleep in a drunken torpor and leaves Parker with nothing but angst. So angsty that he leaps through a glass window on his way out! Dumb laboratory full of drunk scientists and evil goo! Science is dumb. No more science for a while.

On the rooftop, Parker’s Spidey-Sense starts vibrating up a storm. Thinking it might be Eddie Brock, he starts yelling on and on like a lunatic. He still feels responsible for what happened, he still wants to help, oh god can you please let him help you? For the love of “God”.

And no. It’s not Eddie. Eddie’s not around. Parker is all alone.

Final Thoughts

WITH

GREAT

POWER

COMES

GREAT

SANDWICHES


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The Library of the Unwritten by A. J. Hackwith

The Book Bonfire Disclaimer: There will be spoilers. If you’re even remotely interested in this book and you haven’t read it, or if you’ll be mad if you accidentally read any possible spoilers about it, I’m going to chalk it up to “not my fucking problem”. You have been warned. Also, this is a feature about reading. You came here to read about books, so pictures in these posts will be scarce. Be an adult.
Book 1 of the Hell’s Library series

The library of the Unwritten

Welcome to the Book Bonfire! I am your Book Club Organizer, Thomas V. [REDACTED]. Today we will be (sort of) discussing The Library of the Unwritten by A. J. Hackwith. Feel free to remove your copy from the garbage can if you feel so inclined. If you don’t want to bother, then I can’t blame you!

In a nutshell, the Library of the Unwritten‘s Library of the Unwritten is a wing in Hell where all the books on Earth whose authors have never gotten around to writing are stored. The books are unwritten. Like, some dude has an idea for a book, but he never actually wrote it. That book is in the library. Got me? Good. The story follows an ensemble cast of kooky characters! Claire is the Head Librarian of the Unwritten Wing. She’s been in charge for about three decades, which is a fraction of the time of the tenure of other librarians before her. You got Leto, some naive teenage demon with greasy hair who is used as a plot device for Claire to share knowledge that the reader needs to know. There’s a lot of that. You’ve got Brevity, a “muse” who is Claire’s library assistant. You’ve got Ramiel, the fallen angel trying to get back into God’s good graces by thwarting the Hell clan. You’ve got Hero, a character who has escaped from his unwritten book. There are other characters too, I suppose…

I’m going to cut to the chase: I bailed on this book about 2/3 through. I spent about 150 pages reading on autopilot before I decided to finally give up, which is not something I typically do. It sends me into an OCD conniption fit to leave a book unfinished. This book should’ve been titled The Library of the Unfinished! Ha! Whatever. A. J. Hackwith had a trilogy published, and here I am stroking my dick pretending that I have a coherent blog.

“We have to find this book! I don’t care if we need to crawl through every sewer in Miami with our tongues scraping against the floor! We’re going to find it! And I don’t know about you guys, but I want to get those sewers right away.”
– Claire

I was totally on board with this concept at the beginning. A book about books? That’s right up my alley! I like books! A book about books sounded fun, especially if the books are in some magical fantasy land like Hell. I like Hell! A book about books in Hell sounded fun! The first 40 pages or so were intriguing enough, but then I started getting this sinking feeling that the book became a complete chore to read. Hackwith’s prose appears to be influenced by Terry Pratchett — almost channeling him at times — but Pratchett’s works are more engaging. After a while, the prose becomes frustratingly overwrought and the pictures they paint seem abstract and muddy. I couldn’t get a good sense of any of the locations outside of the Unwritten Wing. Valhalla seemed like a nightclub. Mdina, Malta seemed woefully boring. Characters always felt like they were talking amongst each other in a big nebulous blob.

The characters weren’t necessarily one-dimensional, but I realized about halfway through the book that I didn’t care about a single one of them. Not one. Claire had no personality to save her life, unless you count dry, no-nonsense plot-forwarding determination as a personality. Leto was a precocious demon who worked in the story as an ignorant figure representing the audience with whom Claire would provide some worldbuilding (which, in its own right, was ham-fisted), but he soon became, by all appearances, dispensable. Andras’ relationship with Claire was supposed to be tense, with an air of mutual respect for one another, but he was condescending. Is condescending a primary personality trait? Brevity, Hero, Ramiel, Uriel, who gives a shit? They all felt like cardboard cutouts.

“Don’t you think the sewer comment was a little bit strange, Leto? If even a molecule of my tongue touches a sewer floor, I’m going to hack it off with a fish scaler.”
– Brevity

I couldn’t connect to the plot either. The whole premise revolves around finding the pages of the Codex, a book written by Lucifer, that Heaven wants but believes Hell has. Hell doesn’t have it, but they want it too. Misunderstandings ensue. Tons, and I mean TONS, of pointless, aimless wandering from location to location. Remember Season 6 of Lost when Not-Locke just dragged the characters around the island back and forth for no reason. It’s like that.

Positivity? Fine. The written passages from various Unwritten Wing librarians at the beginning of each chapter were legitimately fascinating, thought-provoking, well-written, and by far the most interesting parts of the book. You’ll find a few examples sprinkled throughout this post in the quote boxes! lol

So, yeah, I don’t know how this ends. I got to page 240 or so. It’s too bad, because I already own the second book and now it’ll sit on my shelf collecting dust! The Library of the Unread! Ha! There’s that joke again!

BOOK BONFIRE DISCUSSION QUESTIONS!

Would you like to be a librarian in Hell?
I’d like to be a librarian anywhere as long as I get paid $100,000 dollars a year and I don’t actually need to interface with any patrons. I don’t want to check out anyone’s books, I don’t want to re-shelve books, and I definitely don’t want to chase around books that happen to fly everywhere! Along with every book that will ever be written and unwritten, I’ll also need every album, video game, movie, TV show, comic book that will ever be made and not made. THEN I’ll enjoy my time in hell. Oh, and a mini-fridge.

“IF ANYONE IS GOING TO LICK A SEWER PIPE TODAY IT’S GOING TO BE ME!”
– Ramiel

Did you like the ending? Did everything wrap up the way you thought it would?
I’ll make up my own ending! Claire takes a bite of a hot turkey sub and cracks her tooth on the cheese. “THIS REALLY IS HELL!” she cries, forgetting that she was supposed to be chasing down a book in the first place. Then they all do a little dance number.

What are your thoughts on the revelations about the different characters throughout the book? Did any of them surprise you? Did you like how the characters developed during their quest?
I’m sorry, but not only did the characters not develop during their quest, but they actually became less developed as the story went on until they shrank into oblivion and I had to wake up from my lengthy snooze.

Did you enjoy the worldbuilding? Was there something that stood out to you in particular?
Yeah right.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I bought the second book before I started reading the first book, and I regret this decision immensely. I’m going to have to buy the third book just to round out the collection. It can be a constant reminder that I’m simultaneous avoiding reading Hackwith’s work and supporting her career.

See, I can be a nice guy when I sort of feel like it, I guess.


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