Welcome to the Bongo Comics Box! Today’s feature: Simpsons Comics #1! And what a feature it is! The landmark first issue! Do you know how old this is? This issue predates the Simpsons episode where Homer falls in love with Mindy Simmons. Michelle Pfeiffer! Her name starts with “Pf”, isn’t that FUCKED UP?
Bongo Nostalgia Corner
I bought this along with Simpsons Comics and Stories! And you can click that link to read my thoughts there, much of it is the same.
This was the seventh issue of Simpsons Comics that I’ve ever owned (I pretty much lose track after this one, but it goes #10, #14, #15, #17, #20, Simpsons Comics and Stories, and #1… in case you were at all curious). It was exciting to me because this, along with the aforementioned Simpsons Comics and Stories (which I had received bundled with Issue #1), were the first two back issues I got my hands on! Going forward I’d be able to fill in all the gaps, and that would take a while.
This story leaves a lot to be desired, but it’s a solid first installment. And the back-up story is one of my favorites in the whole series.
Simpsons Comics, Issue #1 [November, 1993]
Written by: Steve Vance
“The Amazing Colossal Homer”
”The Amazing Colossal Homer” begins with a shot of Homer looking quite colossal, if you can believe it! “Well, Boy– How big am I?” he bellows as the angle from below makes the man appear quite large, towering over the thus far unnamed “boy”. Who could this mysterious “boy” possibly be!
Homer is standing on the bathroom scale. Bart, assisting Homer because he isn’t able to see the readout past his grotesque stomach, happily tells him that he weighs 263 pounds. Homer does that catchphrase of dissatisfaction we all know and love: “Bazinga!”
Marge berates her oaf of a loaf of a husband! Stop eating the damn cookies, ya sack of wet cement!
“I’m sorry Marge,” Homer whines, “But I couldn’t resist those little bow ties with the pink frosting on top.”
“They weren’t bow ties,” Marge rebukes angrily, “they were hourglasses. I baked them for Patty and Selma’s Biological Clockwatchers Anonymous meeting tonight.”
“Bazinga!”
Homer’s fat. I see where we’re going with this! Ripe subject matter for the very first issue of the landmark comic book series that only I cared about while everyone else was reading their X-Mans and their Ren & Stimpys!
Bazinga!
While Homer gets to his car, Marge reminds his fat ass that he’s only allowed one donut. He sadly consents. Preoccupied by donuts, he even sees them in the clouds in the sky. Most people Homer’s age are preoccupied by existential crises. This guy wants donuts. Must be nice.
At the nuclear power plant, Burns is sweating and dying and having a heart attack in his office trying to open up a box of paper clips. After he bellows weakly for his trusty lapdog, Mr. Waylon “Sassafras” Smithers, to help open up his little box of E-Z Open papery paper clips, Burns huffs and puffs a laments his youthful days. 114 years ago, when he shot Billy the Kid in the mouth without his expressed written consent.
“You know, I was a rather virile specimen back in my day,” Burns regales, “in fact, I once bested the mighty ‘Man-Mountain’ Mackenzie himself in a game of quoits!”
Smithers reminds him that he still has his money, but even that doesn’t reassure the crumbling old man before him (oddly enough). What good is riches without the much sought-after IMMORTALITY to really enjoy it? Burns looks down at his underlings filing into the building and wonders what can be done to not suffer the same fate of death like some sort of lowly commoner.
Oh, but here’s a convenient direction we pivot toward and shove the plot along! Smithers reminds Burns of “Project Y”, a little experiment the scientists in the plant’s basement lab are cooking up! Let’s pay them a visit, shall we? Let’s go Smithers, no dilly-dallying!
“My Youth Ray. Why, just saying the names sends a sublime thrill coursing through my veins,” Burns jubilates in the elevator. Deep in the underground depths they go, down down down, to just above the rumpus room, to the secret laboratory where Dr. Olberman, a scientist who has never been in the TV show but nonetheless very important to the comic book canon once in a while, greets them.
Here, we can try pointing it at Smithers’ face. Those lines around the eyes are starting to get a little craggy.
CONVENIENTLY, the boys down in Research & Development are finished with the ray and are ready to move onto finding some poor sucker to blast with it in order to see if they become Benjamin Button-ified. Burns doesn’t want to do this! He wants to cut to the chase! He wants to be robust! But then Smithers reminds him of the radioactive catastrophe of Project Q, now contained safely behind a large metal door for the next 8,000 years, and Burns agrees to proceed with the human testing.
It’s going to be a poor sap upstairs. It’s part of their contract that Burns can subject them to dangerous biological experiments in exchange for extra five minutes of their coffee break. So he picks out Homer from his surveillance cameras (who happens to be stuffing his face with definitely NOT only one donut) and Dr. Olberman shoots him in the head with the Youth Ray.
Burns’ smile quickly turns to frown when nothing happens. Nothing happens at all! It’s only been four seconds and nothing has happened! What the FUCK, Olberman? *throws couch pillow in a fit of rage* “Continue the research,” Burns grumbles.
The next morning, Homer struggles to get his bulk into a brand new pair of pants. Marge claims that she bought a pair that were bigger than his old ones, so continue squeezing that flabby ham into those jeans, Citizen! Ooof, ok, well, Homer tore a giant hole in the butt. That’s dignified and attractive. Marge heads out to get a new pair for him.
And then comes back to a fairly… uh… “large” problem…
I like that even his hair was strong enough to break through the roof.
“The still-growing Mr. Simpson was last seen heading for downtown Springfield,” Kent Brockman reports, “Said Mrs. Simpson, ‘Thank heavens for his super-stretch underwear’.”
Mr. Burns is positively quivering with glee, the sight of which probably makes Mr. Smithers quiver similarly as well. “Did you hear that, Smithers? He’s become a Colossus! Why, that’s even better than being young!”
Burns imagines a vision of himself towering over “Burnsland”, where the tallest skyscraper merely rises up to the bottom of the old man’s knees. “Imagine! Charles Montgomery Burns – standing astride the globe! They’ll name countries after me! I’ll be like the Jolly Green Giant, only not green, and not jolly!”
Let’s let the old man dream, shall we? We’ll check in on Marge’s situation! She’s in her car with Maggie following Homer as he stomps down the street, indeed, clad only in his briefs. She honks and yells, but he completely ignores her. She surmises that he’s just too big to hear her, but it’s more likely that he’s in some sort of fugue state wherein his only goal is to, uh, walk around? That doesn’t sound like Homer at all, you guys. Who wrote this junk?
Marge is concerned that her dear husband might accidentally hurt someone, and she’s right! He hurts himself by stepping on a billboard, knocking his head against a bridge, and electrocuting himself on the power lines. Just another day in Springfield. You can get away with this shit in the comics, but shove this storyline anywhere before Season 17 and you’ll get a raised eyebrow. After Season 17? Well, son, this would be one of the better episodes!
Troy McClure’s efforts are Springfield’s third-largest source of income.
“Greetings, my fellow movie lovers,” announces Mayor Quimby at a public Chinese Theatre-esque footprint ceremony, “We are gathered today to honor a Hollywood legend – the star of such films as ‘Jagged Attraction’ and ‘Look Who’s Still Oinking’.”
About two seconds before Troy McClure immortalizes himself on a gray square of wet cement, Homer rudely slams a giant foot into it, covering Quimby with wet cement! Did you see that one coming? I didn’t see that one coming! Look at Quimby, he’s so mad! lol
So now that Quimby has made it personal, Kent Brockman announces that the Mayor has sicced the whole police force on the giant man. Meanwhile, journals and newspapers all over the world are starting to pick up on the story! A huge man in his underwear! Let’s roll the tape.
Local racist Indian stereotype Apu Nahasapeemapetilon glances at the cover of Convenience Store Illustrated showing his “biggest” customer. Get it? “Biggest” customer! Get it?! Yes, now you do! Very good.
Homer stomps by Springfield Elementary, where Bart is in detention writing “I will not exaggerate my father’s weight problem” on the blackboard. Ms. Krabappel apologizes and lets him leave. There’s a first time for everything, I suppose.
Springfield’s finest are sitting in a donut shop where the building has a giant donut on it. You know the one. The donut place! In the show it’s called “Lard Lad Donuts”, but here it’s just “House-O-Donuts”. I’m a stickler for continuity and I’ve having a fucking heart attack right now. Aye Carumba!
Mmm…crunchy.
Good work team! Eating donuts instead of working turned out to be a very good idea. Now then, Kent Brockman has two very special commentators on his show today: Dr. Julius “Laughs at Everything” Hibbert, and Dr. Marvin “Voice is So Annoying and Abrasive That It Hurts Harry Shearer’s Throat” Monroe. From the medical perspective, Hibbert’s analysis is that, with respect to the Simpson family, he has “seen many unusual things, but frankly, this one takes the cake.” *chuckle* Monroe’s analysis is that this phenomenon is rooted in Jung’s theory of the collective unconscious! Rabble rabble! It’s just mass hysteria! Go back to your homes, you fruitcakes!
At the Simpson household, Lisa tells the mob of media reporters on their front step that they’re not taking questions or giving comments and she slams the door in their hungry vulture faces! Bart is impressed with her! Lisa thanks him! One big happy family. Well, one bigger than the rest, I suppose.
Marge arrives home haggard and disheveled. She’s been chasing her husband around all day and ran out of gas. Ain’t even stopped to get more gas! That’s how desperate she was to chase him around. Not like she would’ve lost him! Should’ve stopped for gas! Ol’ No Gas Getting Marge.
Easy street has a lot of prostitutes, I’m told. Some real classy ladies of the night types.
Bart tells his mom to shut the fuck up and stop worrying. They’ve got Lionel Hutz, Attorney at “Law” here to present them with some plausible legal action against whatever unknown entity did this to Homer! Radioactive beans! Cellphones! Sewage full of polonium bees! He’ll scope that out and work toward a cash settlement of up to $50 and then some Rice-a-Roni! It’s the San Francisco treat!
Sorry, you may not know what’s actually from the comic and what I’m making up myself. I know it’s hard to tell with it being the Simpsons and all. Here’s a way to remember going forward: all the funny stuff is mine.
Hutz wants to help cash in on a movie deal by negotiating rights to the production company. “I can have you on the Hollywood gravy train faster than you can say ‘Movie of the Week’” he smiles unsettlingly. Marge is NOT HAVIN’ IT.
DEEP IN A TOP-SECRET COMMAND CENTER BENEATH CITY HALL, Quimby’s numbers are going down because of the Big Homer situation and how it’s being handled (poorly). To make matters worse, he’s heading for the nuclear power plant where he’ll step on it and cause a meltdown and only the cockroaches will be alive in Springfield! And that might be ok. They’ll be able to start their own civilization and drink all the leftover Squishees.
DEEP IN A TOP-SECRET COMMAND CENTER BENEATH CITY HALL, Marge Simpson was able to get past the security guards and find the TOP-SECRET COMMAND CENTER BENEATH CITY HALL to demand an audience with the Mayor.
Simpsons Comics aren’t canon. Wiggum appears to give a shit about something.
“I want to know what you’re going to do for my husband, Mr. Mayor,” Marge asks with a face of concerned optimism. Here’s what Mayor Quimby is going to do: he’s going to order an air strike against him! That’ll learn him not to crush any dang nuclear power plants!
“An air strike! Cool!” Bart ejaculates, finding the idea of the gruesome death of his father quite enticing. Marge, though, is slightly less enthusiastic about the idea of the government blowing Homer’s brains out. “Eternal vigilance against giant monsters is the price of liberty,” Quimby says, not backing down.
DEEP IN A TOP-SECRET COMMAND CENTER BENEATH CITY HALL, Mr. Burns makes an appearance to share his idea. Get the popcorn, he’s gonna say stuff like “block out the sun” or “run for governor against Mary Bailey” or “raise Bart as his heir”.
“For my own, uh, humanitarian reasons, I want this creature brought in alive,” Burns says, hopefully doing something Burns-esque like hitting on Marge a little bit. Burns, however, isn’t the real brains behind this operation! We turn to Dr. “Keith” Olberman, who has some poindexter ideas to share. Go ahead, Doctor.
“We have developed a drug which will render this giant unconscious and return him to his normal size. There is, however, one drawback…”
Thank you, Doctor! You can go now! *shoves Olberman into a cremation oven”
The drawback is that they have only ONE dose. So, if they fuck up, they’ll be fucked. They need a Superman or an Iron Man or even maybe a blind guy like Daredevil to help! Wait, scratch that. Daredevil would just accidental inject the serum within his own body like a completely incompetent buffoon.
Lisa has an idea! And so it shall be done.
Heads up, team. The enormous, obese dumbass is headed this way!
Chief Wiggum readies his men, who all gear up and each take a large semi-truck. Homer thumps down the main street in his underpants, still heading to the power plant in his King Kong-sized fugue state. Mere feet from the power plant’s chain link fence, Wiggum’s men drive past him in the opposite direction. Each one operates a large beer truck! Homer loves beer! If there’s one thing to know about Homer (and, in total, there about two things), it’s that Homer loves his beer! “Mmmmmm… beer!” he says, liking his beer! Brett Kavanaugh! Beer!
So these beer trucks divert Homer’s path to the power plant and takes him back through a main stretch of road where Olberman, Burns, and Smithers await on the roof of a four-story building! Suspense is killing me!
Yada yada yada, long story short they shoot Homer in the butt with the serum and he gets sleepy and falls to the ground and reverts back to his original size (fat).
“The drug is counteracting the growth ray! He is reverting to normal size!” Olberman yells triumphantly. Yeah, dude, I just said that.
Homer leaves a giant Giant Homer-sized Homer-shaped Homer crater in the ground, in which he wakes up from his deep Giant Homer walking slumber. “Unnnhh! Wha – where am i? How did I get stuck in this hole in just my underwear? At least nobody’s around to see–”
“YAAAAH!” Homer screams as helicopters and the press surround his hole snapping photos. Just snapping all sorts of photos of Homer’s hole. Close-up shots of Homer’s hole, even. Just all sorts of–
Huh? Wha? Sorry, I entered my own fugue state there for a second! The family celebrates Homer’s return, but not so fast! Burns wants to conduct some tests before Homer skips back to his faithful and loving, against all available evidence and information before them, family.
For me this is just another Tuesday.
Later, back in Mr. Burns’ office, Smithers relays the results of the test: perfectly normal. Not a scratch! He even lost three pounds! That’s a lot of donuts he can catch up on, hot damn.
Everything is back to normal… OR IS IT?… Is it? I’m actually asking here. Oh right, I’m the one reading the comic book.
It’s most definitely not back to normal. Burns wants to use the growth ray now, but Smithers is hesitant to allow that. “It turned the man into a balding, obsese, donut-obsessed buffoon!” he claims to Mr. Burns’ distaste.
Plus, the shrinking serum is likely to last only temporarily…
…and then there’s a giant eyeball outside the window peering into Burns’ office…
Final Thoughts
Pretty good inaugural story for the series! Really captures the charm of the classic era of the TV show while throwing in some creative license on the outlandishness of the stories.
Of course, the show itself would eventually throw in some creative license on the outlandishness of the stories too, but they were much, much worse at it than the comic book creative. The outlandish stories should have stuck with the comics. I blame Al Jean for this, that ugly quadruple-chinned fucker.
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