Sabrina the Teenage Witch (Vol. 3), Issue #2

Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Sabrina the Teenage Witch (Vol. 3), Issue #2!

Sabrina the Teenage Witch (Vol. 3), Issue #2 [February, 2000]

Sabrina the Teenage Witch (Vol. 3), Issue #2

”Bully for You” – Mike Gallagher

Harvey McNerd is getting his ass kicked by a bully with a disgusted emoji on his shirt. “Cough up your leftover lunch money,” the bully says, pushing Harvey against a wall hilariously. The bully is named Slugloaf and we all had that for dinner last night or my name ain’t “Wormloaf”.

Harvey coughs up his leftover lunch money. Sabrina watches the whole thing, and instead of turning Slugloaf into some sort of herpes virus, she points at him and calls him an extortionist! Harvey looks worse for wear as Slugloaf thumbs through the cash and attempts to count to eleven. Sabrina urges her friend to report the bully to the principal’s office, but Harvey is too much of weenie to do much other than puke and bleed.

Sabrina takes it upon herself to conjure up some fire ants to bite Slugloaf on the penis, which is funny in of itself. “He wouldn’t be so mean to me if I was Captain Volto,” Harvey says bewilderingly, sucking the funny out of the situation like a vacuum of shit. Even Sabrina is like “who the fuck is that, dork?” Captain Volto is Harvey’s favorite superhero. He does superhero things like steal from the rich and give to the poor. He’s like Robin Hood without the homosexuality! Maybe. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I’m also gay. Sometimes.

Harvey continues to explain that Captain Volto doesn’t even have any superpowers. “He’s a regular guy who’s a brilliant detective, scientist and muscular martial arts expert!” Harvey jubilates to his pretty friend who doesn’t care one bit about any of this comic book nonsense.

Sabrina the Teenage Witch (Vol. 3), Issue #2

Get the powerup and win the game! Block that kick! GOOOOOAAALLL!!!!

Sabrina tells Harvey that he can achieve all those Captain Vulva things if he puts his mind to it, but Harvey wants nothing more than to not put his mind to anything!

Later that night, Sabrina tries to read an issue of Captain Volto but she doesn’t find it droll at all. Pedantic, rather. Salem the Talking Cat tells her to cork it and go to sleep, but she will not cork it. And then she does cork it and we all fall asleep and dream about Captain Volto. I don’t, but Sabrina does. She dreams that Captain Volto’s secret identity is Harvey, and Harvey is strong enough to lift up Slugloaf and give him a tender kiss.

Actually, Harvey starts pounding the bully into hamburger meat. Sabrina finds this nightmare unsettling and starts murmuring in her sleep so alarmingly that Salem wakes her up. He even calls her “kiddo”, a diminutive if I’ve ever heard one! And I hear a lot, like “slugger” or “boogerface”. Sabrina thanks the cat for waking her up at 3am and sleep does not find her again for the rest of the miserable night.

It’s morning now, and Aunt Hazel or Hilda or Wicked Witch of the West or whatever her name is notices that Sabrina looks twelve kinds of hungover. She sends Sabrina on her way, and she drunkenly stumbles across the sidewalk. “Poor kid…” Salem tells Caroline Rhea. “She had a nasty nightmare!” About what, he’s not sure. Probably the oblivion of death. Or bees.

Sabrina stops by Harvey’s house and catches him pummeling the fuck out of a Slugload punching bag. “It’s like a dream come true!” he says. “I suddenly have the strength, speed, and agility of Captain Volto!” Sabrina looks stunned, but awake! “2 Cool 4 Words!” Harvey adds while I roll my eyes and snort.

Sabrina the Teenage Witch (Vol. 3), Issue #2

You let him beat the asshole up. Is this even a question?

“Aunt Zelda!” Sabrina runs back home like a truant. “I’ve got a problem!”

“Does it have to do with the nightmare Salem told me you had?” Zelda says smilingly. They look out the window as Harvey kicks branches off of the only tree in Sabrina’s yard. Harvey is hellbent on kicking Slugloaf’s butthole and literally no one should stop him. Honestly, people. Let him murder the kid.

Zelda informs Sabrina that she’s developing “dream transferal powers”, but Sabrina panics and doesn’t listen to a fool-ass word that Zelda is saying. Zelda gives Sabrina a compact full of “forget-me-lots” powder and encourages her to blow it all into Harvey’s face. He’ll snort the powder like cocaine and everything will be fine again. “Thanks, Aunt Zelda!” she yells.

Sabrina jumps on her Nimbus 2000 and chases down Harvey before he can do something awesome. “Oh, Sabrina!” he says when she pops into his line of sight. “So, you decided to watch the fight after all…”

Harvey’s nervous friend tells him that Captain Volto is supposed to be a hero, not a bully, but Harvey won’t hear it. He’s like the new and improved Captain Volto! The one with acne and asthma. And he’s hear to kick ass and take a name (Slugloaf).

Captain Volvo over here rounds a corner ready to get into action… until he sees Slugloaf being harassed by his own bullies. They demand the cash that Slugloaf stole from his own victims, and he says “okay!” and does it like a cuck.

“It all ends now, Sabrina!” Harvey shouts triumphantly. “This is a job for CAPTAIN VOLTO!”

Harvey approaches Sluggy and his two bullies. Slugloaf looks scared and warns Harvey to stay back. But Harvey does not stay back. Harvey smash!

Sabrina the Teenage Witch (Vol. 3), Issue #2

Do you want your own butt for dinner, Slugloaf. Because Harvey is going to make you eat your butt.

Harvey does the heroic thing and warns Slugloaf to go straight or else it’s clobbering time! Slugloaf is like “eep!” and runs away. Promising to repay Harvey with interest! Harvey is like “Fuck yeah you will, honky.”

“Well done, Harvey… Captain would have been proud!” Sabrina tells him. Then she blows the dust in his face point blank. It gets in his eyes and everything. Harvey looks addled and wonders what had just happened. It was like everything was a dream! Heh heh hee hee hoo. Whuzzat.

Kids are lining up to get their money back from Slugloaf. Everyone lives happily ever after except for me because I just noosed myself.

”One Smart Cookie”

Sabrina has to bake something for the bake sale but she doesn’t want to bake anything! Salem kicks a soccer ball around the house like a doofus and asks Sabrina if she’d like to go outside with him to kick the soccer ball around like a doofus. Sabrina is like “no, I gotta bake something and I CAN’T use magic or else they’ll know because it’ll taste like glitter and moon stars”. Salem has an idea! Use magic to work the utensils! That sounds like a compromise, right? Soccer time.

Salem jinxes the kitchen to make everything come to life. It’s quite terrifying to see Nick the Mixer, Maurice the Measuring Cup, and Stan the Stove chirp happily, but Sabrina smiles instead of screams bloody murder and agrees with the idea. Just for a little while. What could go wrong?!

While they play soccer outside, Sabrina congratulates Salem for not wanting to conquer the world anymore. Salem says “heh heh, yeah.”

“…must make cookies…” Nick the Mixer says with googly eyes.

“…enough to conquer the world…” Maurice the Measuring Cup says with swirly eyes.

“…and conquer it!” finishes Stan the Stove with angry eyes.

Sabrina the Teenage Witch (Vol. 3), Issue #2

Uh oh, not an avalanche of poop again…

The utensils and appliances make enough cookies to conquer the house, at least. When Sabrina and Salem try to enter the house, Stan the Stove shoots piping hot cookies out of the oven, killing them instantly. Sabrina tells Salem that, whoops, he’s thinking about world domination anyway while Salem looks tired and defeated, but he does not necessarily disagree.

Salem has an idea! He kicks the soccer ball into the kitchen. Now he’s fresh out of ideas.

But lo’, the soccer ball hits the “Spookie Jar” and out comes a frightening green blob of a genie. ”Your first mistake was to knock so rudely upon my door,” he bellows. “Now I see a pile of cookies on the floor.” And instead of eating the cookies, the genie eats the appliances. Then he eats the cookies. And now we’re back to status quo, except that Aunt Hilda and Aunt Zelda are going to be super pissed that they won’t have an oven anymore to bake their pot brownies in.

“Well… um…” Salem looks like he’s about to get beat with a bat. “I’ll be going… I – uh – guess you’ll want to start baking cookies now…”

“Don’t even mention cookies! I’m making a pie instead!”

The laugh track is so loud I’m murdered by blunt force trauma.

”Spelunker Spellman”

Sabrina and Salem are hiking up a snowy mountain. Salem chases a rabbit. Sabrina tells Salem to stop chasing the rabbit. The rabbit jumps down a hole like Alice in Wonderland, and Salem follows it. FWOOF! is the sound it makes when jumps into the hole, probably because he farted out his butt.

The ground gives away under Sabrina’s feet and she plummets… into an underground cavern! She lands right on her head, which would cause irreversible brain damage if this weren’t a comic book! But it is! And we laugh and laugh instead!

“Whew! Thank goodness all this piled-up snow broke my fall!” says Sabrina, dying of a brain hemorrhage. Then both she and Salem run away from an avalanche (this is the second time I’ve said “avalanche” in this write-up. Now I’ve said it a third time!)

Now that the entrance to the cavern is sealed off, what do they do now? Get some heavy syrup and make a giant snow cone? Piss on the snow to melt it? Piss on the snow and make a giant snow cone? While the possibilities seem endless, Sabrina and Salem need to actually think here. Salem sees the rabbit and decides that the best course of action is to continue chasing it. Sabrina whacks him on the head with a newspaper.

But then they realize that they’ve chased the rabbit for so long that they are now lost in the labyrinth of the cavern.

Sabrina the Teenage Witch (Vol. 3), Issue #2

*whacks with newspaper* Bad cat.

Sabrina has a thought: she’ll start talking about stalagmites, effectively teaching all the children reading the comic book about stalagmites instead of actually saving their asses. In short, Sabrina will not use any magic to destroy stalagmites. I don’t remember anyone bringing it up, but she seems very adamant. Salem wants her to destroy the stalagmites. “Listen, I may be in a feline body, but I’m still a warlock that outranks you by several hundred years!” Salem says, showing Sabrina the back of his upper hand.

Sabrina wins the fight. Then they’re attacked by bats while I lol.

But this makes Sabrina happy, because bats tend to find exits! They sleep during the day and leave during the night to find food! They’re saved!

Anticlimactic! The end!

Final Thoughts

Note: Sabrina died on the way back to her home planet.


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Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #2 – “Assignments”

* Part 2 of 5 of the Green Lantern Corps: Recharge limited Series *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #2 – “Assignments”! In the previous installment, Green Lanterns keep dying so new recruits are at an all time high.

That’s really it, actually. There’s not much more to say as of right now. Onward!

Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #2 [December, 2005]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“Assignments”

Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #2

Hey, are you tired of getting a bunch of different Sector numbers shoved into your face? How about Sector 2261, Planet 142. M? Where Thanagarian and Rann fleets are quickly descending upon. Their Lantern is named Mogo and he requires assistance from the Guardians even though the half of the Guardians seem to think he can take care of it himself.

“Mogo is powerful, but lacks mobility. Now that war has come to him, he cannot easily avoid it. We must, therefore, remove the war from him. His importance to the Corps is too great to allow damage to him, let alone risk his destruction.”

It’s all talk, no action from these little blue dorks. First the Thanagarians, then the Ranns? What’s next, the Americans? All these warmongers are not good for business!

On Oa, many Lanterns meet in the Meeting Hall for a meeting-type meeting. “Front and center, poozers!” exclaims Kilowog. “There’s work to do. Time ta partner up.”

Vath and Isamot Kol get to cozy up together. They’ll be the first sent to field training, and if they are good boys then they’ll get to be trainee Green Lanterns. Of course, since Isamot is a Thanagarian and Vath is a Rann, they are going to get into heated pillow fights for certain. They both growl and sneer and throw shade at each other, going so far as to point their rings at each other! This pisses off Kilowog, and he delivers some real weak threats like “don’t make me get involved, children!”

Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #2

We will give you a spanking and send you to bed without dinner.

Rayner, Gardner, and two other nameless mopes are to go to Sector 2261 to provide backup to Mogo. Vath and Isamot are to go to Sector 2682 where the star is about to blow up. Isamot yells at this and calls it a mission for traffic cops! They should be helping Mogo in the war! Then he gets his wrist slapped.

Vath growls to his side and reminds Isamot that the war doesn’t concern them anymore. “That’s what this ring said.” But Isamot reminds him that they’re sworn enemies, and he filled his pillow with lead doorknobs.

So Mogo, this loser, he is not just a Lantern. He’s the planet! Guy Gardner knows this, why doesn’t anyone else know this? So fighting ensues between the three or four Lanterns and the entire Thanagarian fleet. At one point the send in a nuclear bomb, but Mogo shoots it down with his special Lantern energy. A robotic Lantern estimates 29 minutes until they win the fight, at this rate. A lot could happen to change the game, though, in that time. Like a bomb right to Guy Garnder’s beefy smug face. So desperate times call for semi-desperate measures, like kidnapping a Rannian admiral right out of his ship! And then kidnapping a Tharagarian admiral right out of his ship!

“So, you two wanna fight each other?” Gardner says, throwing them at each other. “Go ahead – I’d enjoy it!”

Gardner encases them in a green sphere. “But just remember,” he says, “win or lose, I only have to wave my hand and you both die.” Then he chokes them for a second.

“What is this, Guy?” asks Rayner, arms crossed.

“You never play Good Cop, Bad Cop? You’re supposed ta tell me to stop,” he responds. Beefy and smug.

But Rayner likes this idea, and he smiles devilishly.

Soon, after heated arguments, the two fleets go their separate ways and fly off into outer space, leaving Mogo to thank the rest of the Lanterns for helping. Especially Gardner. That guy is a real wild card!

Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #2

A talking planet?! What’ll they think of next??

After Mogo’s booming voice radiates across the outer atmosphere, its ring lets out a weak “…help me…”, so the Lanterns descend to the planet’s surface.

Meanwhile, in Sector 1899, Planet 381, Vath and Isamot are clinging to a godforsaken asteroid the size of a tool shed. “Some assignment,” complains Vath. “Thought I pulled enough sentry duty in the Rannian army.” Isamot stays silent, and Vath wonders out loud if he’s ever going to say a word to him.

They both look grumpy. It’s adorable.

Out of hyperspace, a ship arrives. “Anyway… we’ve got customers, Isamot. You can talk to them.”

Isamot complies with this directive. “In the names of the Guardians of Oa, you are ordered to detour around this star-system,” he says to the ship. The ship announces that they are a hospital vessel of Okaara, and that they will not change course.

“You will comply immediately or suffer the consequences,” says Isamot. The ship’s personnel can sense that Isamot is Tharagarian. “I sense treachery,” says an officer.

Vath tells Isamot to check his ring for a radiation spike. Next thing they know, Isamot’s been zapped by some sort of ray from the hospital ship.

Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #2

Take THAT, you filthy lizard! Think you can be a Green Lantern?? You can’t even be a green shit!

Vath grabs the incapacitated Isamot and warns the ship that the star they are near will blow to smithereens soon and that they should get out of the way. “You risk the lives of your wounded men if you proceed.” However, Isamot is less diplomatic, and tells the crew that they have officially forfeited their rights to the hospital ship.

The ship crew is confused. A Tharagarian has never been allowed on Okaaran property, and the Rann is clearly in cahoots. OPEN FIRE!

Then the star blows up. And the whites of Vath’s and Isamot’s eyes can be seen forty Sectors away.

Back on Mogo, the crew looks for the source of the “…help me…” signal that, apparently, only Rayner can detect at the moment. They take in the scenery: beautiful pine trees line breathtaking mountains! Streams! Lakes! Everyone except Rayner plays in the water while he hears the ring calling for help again in the woods. Rayner continues looking and, somehow, finds a woman named Alex sitting on a log smiling. “How’s it going, hero?” she says. Rayner is shocked. SHOCKED! “You… can’t be here. You’re dead… you’re not real.”

Exposition dialogue! Alex died because Ganthet gave him the ring. But the ring saved many other people. “Our destinies were sealed the night that Guardian inducted you in the Corps,” she tells him. “There was no Corps then – I became Green Lantern,” he responds. “Same thing, isn’t it, Kyle?” she says. “Almost,” he responds.

Time to catch up! What’s Rayner been up to lately? Jerking off and going to Blockbuster? That and so much more! The ring allows for so many fun adventures! And he misses her more than anything.

Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #2

Noooo, Alex! Don’t turn back into a tree! I love you! *kisses trunk*

Rayner immediately discovers what has been sending out the distress signal. A vision of what’s-her-face Dr. Soranik Natu is shown all twisted up in vines, unable to move, presumably there ever since she fucked off from Corps initiation. Now it’s Rayner’s mission to find her.

Now back to Sector 1899, where the black hole is quickly forming from the explody star. The ship is putting all its thrusters into getting out of it, but they’re proving useless. Isamot, to Vath’s surprise, is still trying to attack the ship… wait… no he isn’t… what’s he doing?… trying to save them! He even asks for Vath’s help! A Rann! Teamwork! It brings a tear to your eye, don’t it?

Even the rings tell them that the ship can’t be saved. “Divert power, dammit! We need all… the power we can get…” And the rings repeat that it’s impossible.

Vath and Isamot almost fall into the hole until Kilowog appears out of nowhere and Green Lanterns the ship into safety. Now that they’re taken care of, he needs to find those two knuckleheads, but they seem to have fully fallen into the hole.

“Where’s that black hole lead to?” Kilowog asks his ring.

“Unknown,” answers the ring.

Oh well! Maybe Burger King! Who cares! Those two were annoying me anyway. Let’s check in with Mogo where Rayner tells his chums that Soranik Natu needs some hella help.

“Soranik Natu of 1417 refused induction into the Green Lantern Corps,” says Rayner’s ring. “She is not a priority.”

They ignore the ring, obviously. And now the other Lanterns can hear the ring too. The robot guy can detect the transmission from Sector 2828, the Vega system. After some deliberation upon whether or not they should break protocol and go find her, Rayner goes “no doy”.

Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #2

Follow me if you want to get dishonorably discharged! Awwww, yeah!

Back in Sector 1899, Vath and Isamot are shrouded in complete silence and darkness. Isamot mocks Vath for sounding afraid, but he ain’t afraid. He’s just… you know… gassy.

With only the glow of their rings, they traipse through what looks to be twisty vines.

They shine brighter light.

And discover a gigantic pile of skulls on the ground!

Final Thoughts

I’m more invested in the Soranik thing than the Vath/Isamot thing, for sure. I hope they find her and then kick her ass back into the Corps, and then Sinestro can come out looking like Vincent Price going “heh heh heh” and then he’ll be the Big Bad. Again.


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Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #17 – “The Good Die Young (Part 5)”

* Part 5 of 5 of the Good Die Young storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #17 – “The Good Die Young (Chapter 5)”! In the previous installment, Chase isn’t actually dead, but he’s not going to make it for the boss fight. At least not yet *wink*

The remaining five kids make their way to the Rite of Thunder Room and confront their parents. Everyone becomes incapacitated except for Alex, who reveals (much to even his parents’ surprise) that HE is Mr. Mole himself! He even grins wryly at them, the universal facial expression for smug triumph.

Of course, there are still two issues left, so there are plenty of avenues for twists and turns ahead! Can you feel that, baby? Can you? Can you? That’s palpable excitement, baby.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #17 [October, 2004]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan
“The Good Die Young (Part 5)”

Runaways (Vol. 1) Issue #17

The Marine Vivarium, Underwater Lair of the Gibborim, 11:49pm

That makes it sound ridiculous! “Underwater Lair of the Gibborim” indeed? And what’s a vivarium, really? Come on, guys. Let’s stop making up words.

Nico wakes up from her frozen state and asks what just happened. Alex does his “heh heh I’m a bad boy” schtick, and Nico catches on pretty quickly that something just ain’t right. All the other kids in the room are unconscious like me on my wedding day!

“No,” Nico says disbelievingly. “No, not you. You… you can’t be the traitor.”

Alex keeps his stoic face at maximum frump. Believe it, sister. Nico gets right up to his ear and whispers frantically about this little joke of his. A gag, right? Some double-double-cross stuff is happening, isn’t it? Instead of answering the question, Alex discusses his first encounter with the secret passageway in his house roughly one year ago during the last Meeting of the Pride. While Karolina, Chase, and the rest were watching some movie with titties in it, Alex snuck through the corridor and found their parents engaging in the same ritual that they had just witnessed before all this shit went down 16 issues ago.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #17

But those costumes were freaky, you gotta admit. Just a hair below killing the young girl, though.

Alex kept his mouth shut about it. “I knew there had to be a logical explanation for what I had seen… and I was right,” he tells Nico, and even Mrs. Wilder is like “whoa, ok, slow down there, kid. You don’t want to just lay it all out there and–”

NOPE! We’re talking about it! Alex spent the next few sleepless nights sneaking into his dad’s office to read up on the Pride lore, the Gibborim, and the giant pile of Playboys his dad had in the corner. “I couldn’t believe it…” he says after describing the altruistic intents of the Pride. “My mom and dad were heroes.”

Nico has had about enough of this cockamamie nonsense. First of all, they killed an innocent girl. Second of all, shut up. It’s for the greater good, etc.

“Anyway, I discovered pretty quickly that not everyone in the Pride was as noble as my parents,” Alex continues, puffing out his chest. He oversaw the Hayes and the Deans conspiring against the rest of the pride so they can get that sweet, sweet eternal bliss for themselves. Of course, anything they think about goes in the Abstract because it writes itself in real time, so they must destroy any pages about the furious orgies. And, if they have time, the conspiracies.

“But if the Wilders notice the missing passages… if they suspect we’re preparing to murder the rest of the Pride at next year’s Rite of Thunder…” Mr. Hayes says with enough exposition dialogue to choke a fat horse. Mrs. Hayes finishes his thought, and states that they’ll just lobotomize the rest if they find out. Bing bang boom so simple.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #17

Collect this arsenal, Joy Boy. *grabs crotch*

Alex heard all this, because why not? So he took action, and by “action” I mean “no action” and didn’t tell anyone. He just bided his time, waited until the next Pride meeting, snuck them all through to view This Year’s Ritual Sacrifice, and got everyone on board to stage a fake coup. He tipped the police off to their hideout. He… baked cookies. He did a lot of things.

Nico is furious. Alex thinks he’s doing all this to help, but he’s being a douchebag and he’s not going to get kisses anymore. Not now, not ever! But guess what, Nico? Alex loves you, and he wants you involved in his plan! You get eternal paradise along with her parents and the Wilder family! They’re pulling the same shit that the Deans and the Hayes tried to pull. Isn’t that fantastic?

“After we feed the giants the young woman’s soul we collected at the last Rite of Blood, the Gibborim will undoubtedly award immortality to the six of us,” Mr. Wilder explains like it’s a done deal. Nico points out that it’s at the expense of the rest of the world. Alex likens it to a reset button, and mentions a greater world for “their” kids. Nico turns red with frustration and punches Alex in the face. “Not if you were the last boy on Earth, loser,” Nico says, rubbing her hand.

Nico attempts to hoist a glowing Karolina up from the floor and spill the beans on Alex’s betrayal. “I knew he was all wrong for you,” Karolina says racistly before blasting Alex in the chest with pure energy.

“Staff of One… BONDAGE.” Red chains materialize and wrap themselves around Karolina’s arms and ankles. Next, Alex tries to control the dinosaur a bit more, but Gert has awakened now and duly declares that the dinosaur doesn’t take orders from him anymore. “Old Lace… fetch.”

The dinosaur grabs the Staff and runs away with it, stymieing Alex! So stymied, in fact, that he goes “Hey…!” which is the mating call of the stymied.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #17

Back off, hosers, it’s Dinosaur Time!

Nico reclaims her Staff and threatens Alex’s balls and penis with it. Alex dares her to try it, extending a fire gauntlet to Karolina’s face. Stalemate.

KROOOM! That’s the sound of a very awake and spry Chase blasting through a wall with their giant Leapfrog submersible. “What I miss?” he asks. Alex is like “whoooaahhh, whuuuuutt?” which is just enough distraction time for Nico to magic her way into breaking the fire gauntlets.

“That’s enough, young lady,” says Mr. Minoru. She should be more appreciative of the gift the Wilders have bestowed upon their family. Eternal paradise, remember? A cavalcade of hamburgers, HBO, and blowjobs.

Now the Yorkes wake up and realize what’s going on. Now the Steins wake up and realize what’s going on. No one is happy.

“STOP FIGHTING!” Molly yells while holding what looks like a robot head – the vessel which holds the Rite of Blood girl’s spirit. Mrs. Wilder tries to calm Molly down, but as we’ve learned, Molly cannot be calmed down. Not now, not ever!

With super mutant strength, she smashes the box. A brilliant flash of white light blinds the room, then blasts out from the top of the vivarium, extending past the surface of the ocean and extending into the sky as a large column. Beachgoers are concerned, but not enough to harsh their buzz.

Oh great, and here come the Gibborim exactly fifteen seconds too late. “WHO DARES DESECRATE THE RITE OF THUNDER?” one says, not looking nearly as mad as his all-caps would indicate. Mr. Wilder tries to through Molly under the bus, but Alex stops him. “I’m not going to stand here and watch you get dressed down by your boss,” he says angrily, like he’s going to go up against some weird gods with nothing but his puny boner as a weapon.

So, the Gibborim immediately burns Alex into an ashen skeleton. Mr. Wilder, to say the least, is irked. To say the most, he’s devastated!

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #17

Way to suck, humans. We should have instead trusted antelopes. They’re a much more loyal species.

Everyone panics and tries to run out of the vivarium while Blasty McGibborim blasts fire around the room. The remaining surviving children run into the Leapfrog; Chase blasts them out through a wall that leads to the water. Nico worries that their parents have all died, and while Karolina tries to comfort her, a giant explosion rocks the whole vivarium. The Leapfrog gets launched to the beach. No one dies.

The kids leave the Leapfrog all in one piece. After a hearty “glad that’s over!” we get a final full-page spread of Captain Cunting America. “Excuse me,” he says, leering over them like a sex offender, “do you kids have a license to drive that thing?”

Final Thoughts

WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! GO GET ‘EM, CAP! SHOW THOSE KIDS WHO’S BOSS! FUCK ‘EM, UP! WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!!!


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The Death Knight’s Squire, Chapter 12 – Facing Off with the Death Knight Himself!

Dungeons & Dragons is the world’s most famous tabletop role-playing game. There are elves and dice and dungeon masters who wear capes. I’m embarrassed for even playing this.

Disclaimer: I’m learning as I go. There is a 100% chance that I’ll fuck up, not take something seriously enough, and piss you off to no end. Get over it.

Welcome to Dungeons & Dragons – The Death Knight’s Squire! Last time our hero, Milhouse the Scholar, explored a crypt, almost got killed by a very scythe-riddled trap, and then stumbled upon what looks like the Death Knight himself scaring the bejesus out of Darek Brewmont! Is this the end? Or is this a red herring for more adventure? Will the Death Knight kill Milhouse dead forever? Will I watch Young Sheldon with America’s Sweetheart Wallace Shawn? I’m guessing the answer to at least one of these is “hell fucking no” and it might be the last one!

This appears to be a Squiring ceremony, and, as it turns out, it’s very unsettling and creepy. The Death Knight, as he appears to be, is this hulking figuring illuminated in an eerie blue light. Darek Brewmont, as he’s presumed to be, looks like a sniveling little dork. Even more so than Milhouse himself, and he’s pretty dorky in his own right.

-Since I succeeded in an early stealth check by the skin of my sharp little elf teeth, I get to sneak up to the behemoth armored man without my head getting sworded off. Not yet, at least.

Hey, kids! Abracadabra!

Milhouse ducks behind a big pile of rusty metal barrel hoops! The Death Knight doesn’t notice, probably because he’s too busy trying to make this Darek kid his unwilling squire. Since he doesn’t want anyone to become an unwilling squire today, Milhouse starts wiggling his fingers and prepares for a spell.

-OK, the Death Knight’s AC is 15. d20 + Intelligence (+3) + Proficiency Bonus (+4) = … 15 + 3 + 4 = 22. *dusts off hands like it was nothing*. OK, I’m going to use Magic Missile because that spell rules. 3(1d4 + 1) = 3 + 5 + 3 = 11 damage. Not too shabby unless this fucker ends up having 75 HP. Then I’m going to be a bloody smear on the floor pretty soon.

Milhouse zaps the Death Knight in the chest with his little fingertips of fury! The armored beast roars like this: “ROOOAAAARR!” Milhouse fist pumps in the air. “Aaargh! Who dares enter my chamber?!” the Death Knight bellows. He immediately sees Milhouse ducking in the corner like a weak little mouse and grabs his sword. “Ah! There you are. So foolish, to enter here unaccompanied! And now, you shall pay for your foolishness!”

-Roll initiave, son. I get 12. The Death Knight gets 12. Does this mean I try again? Oh wait, his initiative bonus is +1. Gosh dang it.

The Death Knight stares down at Milhouse and shoots him a terrifying, self-satisfied smile. “HA HA HA HAAAA!” he booms, filling the chamber with a laugh that sounds like bones rattling around a garbage disposal. Darek Brewmont cowers in the corner. The whole room is filled with an air of tension and the smell of pooped pants. And then, suddenly, the Death Knight lashes out with his longsword!

-Wisdom Saving Throw (DC 13) = 12 + 2 = 14/ No penalty to attacks. I am also told to eat my disgusting Grakspores, so I shove them down my throat so hard I accidentally almost push them out my butthole.

-“Roll a d20, adding 5. If the result is higher than your AC (Milhouse’s AC is 13), roll damage (1d8+3).” All right, let’s see how this pans out. d20 + 5 = 21. Good job, ol’ boy. 1d8+3 = 6. Not so great, but I’ll take it.

“Darek!” Milhouse shouts from the corner of the chamber. He’s trying to get the boy’s attention, but the boy is shivering in a pool of his own piss. “I could really use some help right now!” He throws Darek his dagger with which he can use to cut through the bonds on his wrists and help in the fray. Then Milhouse grabs his quarterstaff and prepares his attack!

The Knight of Death descends upon ye!

-d20 -1 + 4 = 17, which beats Death’s Knight’s AC 15. Quarteraff attack = 1d6 – 1 = 2. Well, that’s underwhelming. Taken with the earlier Magic Missile hit, Death Knight has lost 19 HP so far. He’s down to 9 HP. Watch how quickly this bastard’s going to kill me. It’s going to be brutal.

“Damn you, interloper!” the Death Knight roars. “You will not rob me of my squire, as those wretches robbed me of my boy so long ago! AAAARRRGGGHHH!!!!” Oh, he’s mad now. He’s super mad. All Milhouse can do is put his arms up and close his eyes tightly while the Death Knight seems absolutely out of his fucking mind with rage.

-Since this bastard is enraged, he gets advantage. Two dice rolls. d20 + 5 = 9 + 5 = 14. Well, since my AC is 13 he doesn’t even need to roll a second time. He hits. 1d8 + 4 = 5, so I lucked out with the weakest possibly hit from him. I’m down to 7 HP.

Darek has managed to cut himself free with the dagger that Milhouse threw him, so the boy isn’t entirely useless! The boy looks like he’s regained a modicum of composure and, Milhouse notices, there’s even a little fire in his eyeballs! He’s happy to have Darek on his side! Or at least something that can hold a dagger. Milhouse would even take a potted plant right now if it could swing a weapon.

-Rolling initiative for Darek gets him a 9, so he’ll attack after Milhouse. Darek’s HP is 4. He’s going to die right away. Anyway, I take my turn and do RAY OF FRROOOOOOOSSST!!! But first, of course, I have to d20 + 3 + 4 = 19 + 3 + 4 = 26, so of course I’m going to fucking hit him. Ray of Frost = 1d8 + 3 = 7 + 3 = 10. This is actually going to kill him! Milhouse gains 200 XP.

“Take this, you dastardly Death Knight!” Milhouse screams as beams of cold ice blare out of his fingers. The Death Knight screams and writhes and gesticulates in the air with terror and reckless abandon, knocking the walls and letting rocks tumble to the floor! Then he collapses in a heap.

The Death Knight has been slain!

RIP, bitch!

Milhouse steps over the corpse. Well, the undead corpse. The Death Knight was definitely not alive in the “alive” sense, of course. Sweat pours down Milhouse’s face as he huffs and puffs and pants. He looks to Darek Brewmont, who also has a face of triumph and victory even though he didn’t even lift one finger to help stop the Knight. “Do you have the stake?” Darek Brewmont asks. “From the Red Tree, do you have a stake? You must pierce him through the heart, quickly!”

The red walking stick is near the cavern entrance. Milhouse quickly scurries over to the branch, grabs it, and sticks the business end right into the Death Knight’s chest. Just forces it in there with all the strength that he can muster. It doesn’t take long before the remains crumble into a pile of ashes. Without missing a beat, Milhouse grabs Darek by the arm. “Let’s go,” he says hurriedly and pulls the kid out of the chamber, out the entrance of the crypt, and across the cemetery. “Oh shit,” Milhouse thinks, cutting his victory celebration short. “I still have a pact with the Blood Knight! Damnit!”

Milhouse tries to put that thought out of his head as he and Darek travel north. This is the northern edge of Weathercote Wood; it opens to wide grasslands. The sky threatens rain, and Milhouse realizes that they’ll never make ground on foot. “Look, over there!” Milhouse cries. A farmhouse on the wood’s edge — a stable with one horse. And no one around. “We need to take that horse!”

Darek gibbers, but ultimately concedes because he doesn’t have a say in the matter. Backtalk will get the kid a little smack. The two mount up and ride away as the farmer leaves his front door shaking his fist. “I’ll get yoooouuuuu…” the old farmer says lazily.

Before the sun drops below the cloudy evening sky, Milhouse and Darek reach Orlbar. His grandparents are grateful to see their young grandson again! It’s anticlimactic to say the least. “You shall be rewarded, brave champion, Lord Brewmont promises, his eyes misting over. “On the morrow, I shall go to the Orlbar bank, and–”

Milhouse cuts him off. The Blood Knight will assuredly chase him down with his army of cultists, and the last thing Milhouse wants is to put the town of Orlbar in danger. “Oh…” says Lord Brewmont. “You don’t want, like, whatever’s in my pocket?” He fishes around and finds only lint, but Lady Brewmont unclasps her necklace and places it in Milhouse’s hand. He palms it. “Sell this,” she says. “And don’t take anything less than 700 gold for it!”

With a gracious thank you and you’re welcome, Milhouse mounts the horse and rides into the night as the Brewmonts wave. Everyone lives happily ever after.

Excelsior!

-Milhouse gains 400 XP. He’s at Level 3! And he’s got plenty of treasure and coin jangling in his pockets. I’ll keep him around for the sequel to this adventure, Tyrant of Zhentil Keep. Until then, roll dem dice! Or whatever.


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Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #1 – “The Gathering”

* Part 1 of 5 of the Green Lantern Corps: Recharge limited Series *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #1 – “The Gathering”!

This continues directly after the No Fear storyline in Geoff Johns’ legendary run. It’s been a while since I hit Green Lantern at all, so I owe it some more tender love and care! Or something else to that effect that isn’t as gross. Onward.

Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #1 [November, 2005]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“The Gathering”

Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #1

It’s Sector 1417. “It’s my first day on the job,” says someone who I should probably know, but I don’t, and that’s okay. Or at least that’s what I tell myself. “Star 196. A Class 4 sun near the edge of my sector becomes unstable. No warning. Just an abrupt radiation spike.”

Sounds like something is going to go boom very soon, and it’s the Green Lantern of Sector 1417’s underpants! *high five* He plans an evacuation of the inhabited fifth planet. He thinks he has a couple of days. He doesn’t.

*boom*

But this guy isn’t afraid. If he was a ‘fraidy-man, the guardians wouldn’t have chosen him! It’s that simple. So he’s not afraid…

…

“I cannot die today,” he says as hot gas billows around him. “Not on my first day as a Lantern. I must protect my sector. I am Tarkus Whin of the Green Lantern Corps of Oa.

Star 196 contracts into a black hole, which doesn’t really happen in four seconds as far as I know, but we don’t worry ourselves with such matters of physics. Tarkus is getting swept in, and he all but gives up knowing that he died what he calls a “Lantern Death”, i.e. one where his pants aren’t full of poop. Hopefully.

“RING STATUS REPORT. GREEN LANTERN 1417 DECEASED. SECTOR SCAN FOR REPLACEMENT SENTIENT INITIATED.”

Let’s see what’s going on in Sector 2814. Hopefully no one is dying, that would be a bummer. Ah, it’s the sector where there’s an Edwards Air Force Base in California! Must be full o’ them loser aliens. There’s a guy named Hal Jordan flying around in an airship. He’s not wearing his ring. There’s a guy named Guy Gardner flying around looking like a Green Lantern. He is wearing his ring. That’s about as far as these two go with their personality types.

Gardner tells Jordan that Kilowog told him that there’s restructuring going on in the Corps right now. “Recruitment’s in overdrive.” The Guardians want to see Gardner and Kyle Rayner in person. Hal Jordan tells Gardner to have fun and bye, don’t forget to write. See ya.

Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #1

Hal Jordan, I swear to God, if you’re in Guardians’ pocket without me I’ll RING your neck! Ha! Get it??

John Stewart and Hal Jordan are both assigned to 2814, so that leaves Guy Gardner with a different sector. That’s probably why the Corps wants to talk to him. They want to send him over to the Butt Star with the Butt Solar System to take care of the Butt Planets.

Meanwhile, on Earth’s moon (or as the Corps designates it: Sector 2814, Planet 38.C, Moon 1). It’s where the Justice League has built their Watchtower, which is the stupidest place for it because everyone is always trying to blow up the moon. Have you seen the Russians? Anyway, Kyle Rayner is cozying with the rest of the League, telling them that what he’s part of now is bigger than any stupid-ass Justice League any day of the week. Superman understands. He understands everything. Except algebra.

“Take care of yourself, Kyle,” Wonder Woman smiles. And Kyle gives her a warm goodbye.

Guy Gardner has flown up to the moon to give Batman a warm goodbye, too.

Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #1

You need to wax that butthole, Mr. Lantern.

Gardner and Rayner fly away laughing. “I thought you were past the frat-boy attitude, Guy,” Rayner chides. Gardner assures him that he’s going to take this job seriously even if it means he sticks his ass in Batman’s face every chance he gets. It comes with the territory.

Back in Sector 1417 (Planet Korugar), Doctor Soranik Natu is trying to operate on a dying patient. She sees a ring floating at her, which she tries swatting away like a meddlesome hornet! She calls it a symbol of oppression and pain, having belonged to Sinestro once. “You are not welcome here!” She points at the ring. “Now get out of my way!”

The ring insists that Soranik Natu will be trained as a member of the Green Lantern Corps. She wants none of that horse hockey. The patient is dying right before her eyes while the ring keeps bouncing of her face like a racquetball. So, Dr. Soranik Natu says “fine”, puts on the ring, and commands it to fix her patient. Filter blood into his brain and divert synapse activity from the pain sensors. Can ya do that, huh?

The ring flashes, filling the room with that ugly shade of green we all know so well, and welcomes Soranik Natu to the Corps. The patient is saved at the expense of damning herself. Ah well, those who don’t want power should wield it. I’m told.

In Sector 2682, in Dys City, Rann, it looks like a literal Hell.

Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #1

Woof woof, Rannian dogs! Come out with your paws up!

The Rannians understand that, yes, their situation is indeed hopeless. A commanding officer tells a man named Vath that he needs to break out and bring help. “These Thanagarian vultures don’t take prisoners,” he cries while Vath is like “hmmm, hnnnn, uhhhh…”

Everything explodes around Vath all of a sudden, which means he wasn’t really able to break out and bring help whatsoever. But that’s ok, because a green ring floats toward him and informs him that he’s been selected for the Price is Right! Come on down!!!

Of course, Vath doesn’t want it either. Nobody fucking wants it except Guy Gardner and his frat-boy attitude. But, if the ring can help him kill the Thanagarians, then so be it. He’ll put it on.

“This war is no longer yours, Vath Sarn. Your duty lies elsewhere now, Green Lantern of Sector 2682. Prepare for your trip to Oa,” says the bossy ring.

On the same planet, this time in Ranagar City, Rann, a man named Isamot Kol is getting executed for the murder of an officer of the Imperial Thanagarian army. Kol is kinda like “meh” about it. But as the killing blade slices down, a ring stops it in mid-air and informs Kol that he has been recruited. Kol takes the ring immediately and kills his executioner. This probably goes against the code of the Guardians, but who the fuck cares at this point? It’s all made up anyway.

Gardner and Rayner are still flying in warp space. They see a planet blow up. Rayner goes “Whoa” like Keanu Reeves.

It’s Oa time, ladies and gentlemen! The Planetary Citadel of the Guardians of the Universe is bustling, man. Packed with newly recruited Lanterns, all of one shade of green. Guy Gardner acts like a senior in college ready to dunk some freshman heads into toilets.

Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #1

Who are you calling a “poozer”, you swatterclump!

Kilowog welcomes the new recruits with the warmth of a feral hog. “I’m gonna be ya new best friend… and ya new worst enemy,” he says warmly. He says more things too, like how they all might have been hotshots back at home, but now they’re all a bunch of fuckin’ poozers. This continues for a few panels, and it’s all exactly what you’d expect. Any questions?

The sexy Dr. Soranik Natu has a question: “How do I get out of here?” she asks, eyes fiery with anger. “I do not want to be a Green Lantern.”

Kilowog has never heard of such a thing in his whole bloated life! He is interrupted by Salakk, who tells Soranik Natu that there are three ways to get out. 1) failure, 2) becoming a corpse, and 3) all of the above.

“I choose my own path, Salakk of Oa. The path of life. Ring – take me home!” she spits into her shiny green jewelry, which tries to rebut. “NOW!” And she leaves, not caring if she failed. Not caring one fucking bit.

“I think she is making a mistake,” says a man named Brik.

“What do you expect of someone from Korugar, Brik? Sinestro turned the Lantern symbol into a swastika,” says Garnder. Rayner disagrees that Soranik Natu is angry. “She’s afraid,” he says.

There is plenty of buzz about Soranik Natu’s decision for a while. No one can believe this shit, that someone wouldn’t want to be a Green Lantern (Tom’s Note: I agree with Soranik Natu. Fuck that noise).

Anyway, Kilowog has assigned Gardner with training the rookies, which Gardner angrily considers “babysitting”. He flies away pissed to talk to the Guardians themselves despite the cries against it. The Guardians don’t want to be disturbed! They’re sleeping or making out or something! No, Guy! No!

“Knock knock, munchkins,” Gardner says as he plows through the doors, looking for Ganthet. “You drag me all the way up here and expect me to hold these aliens’ ring fingers?”

“Oh yes,” says Ganthet. “I remember this one now. The caveman. Like all of those from Earth. They ‘talk back’. Incredibly wasteful. And inefficient.”

Then they tell Guy Gardner that he’ll achieve “new status” if he gets his rear in gear and helps train these newbies. This sweetens the deal a little bit, but not by much.

Kyle Rayner enters the chamber like “hey guys, what’s going on? lol” and the little blue Guardians smile. Ah, welcome Rayner! We like Rayner!

Now beat it, the both of you.

Green Lantern Corps: Recharge, Issue #1

Sad-sacks get the sad-sack assignments. Piss off.

Once these two idiots from Earth leave, the Guardians talk amongst themselves. “Fellow Guardians. How stands our great purpose?”

Things aren’t going well. Lanterns keep dying. For one thing, black holes keep popping up and that’s a problem. Let’s check on that ASAP. There’s also a war going on in Sector 2682, that’s pretty distracting for a lot of Lanterns. That leads to about a hundred other things, too. Even Oa shows some unrest. And what of Soranik Natu? Did she make it home safe? Oh, her signal vanished? That’s probably a good sign, right!

Oh, she’s now missing. Hmm… um… well…

Gardner is en route back to Earth. He really, really doesn’t want to bother training recruits. Kilowog follows him, trying to tell him he’s just doing his job. Guy Gardner ain’t no teacher, and he ain’t giving lectures on willpower and the oath. “I got a life,” he says. Then he says that the Guardians can go screw themselves, which brings Kilowog a millimeter away from slapping the guy.

“We’ve got over three hundred ringslingers signed up. And we’re lookin’ for nearly sixty-nine hundred more. But they won’t be worth a bucket of Oan slime unless they’re trained by the best. They need ya. I need ya.”

Gardner calls this ‘fraidy-cat talk. Kilowog admits that he is. Because, for the first time in his life, according to the Guardians, the whole damn universe is about to change.

Eep.

Final Thoughts

Who knew that Green Lanterning was such serious business? I’m with Soranik Natu. Serious business is the fucking pits. Let’s bring it down a notch, you overwrought melodramatic meatheads!


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