THE SIMPSONS SEASON 37 – EPISODE SYNOPSES LEAKED!!

BART OF THE DEAL
After a corn-shucking accident leaves Homer paralyzed from the neck down, the Simpson family travels to the White House in order to beg President Donald Trump for money. The family never meets him, because en route to Washington D.C. the airplane is hijacked by Gwen Stefani (as herself) and taken to Barbados. After a jaunty dance number, the feeling in Homer’s body returns and he celebrates by doing a backflip from the top of a roof. He misses the swimming pool below and spends two minutes of screentime writhing and crying. Bart doesn’t show up until the end.

THE MARVELOUS MRS. MARGE-EL
Bart launches bottle rockets out of his bedroom window, killing Agnes Skinner as she walks by the house. Homer gets an idea to try to launch bottle rockets up his butt during work in order to get worker’s compensation, accidentally killing Lenny in the process. Infuriated, Homer’s new boss J.K. Simmons (as himself) fires him, which leads to Homer pursuing his dream career as a stand-up comedian. After an act in which firing bottle rockets up his butt garners no laughs, he saves J.K. Simmons’ cat from a tree and gets his job back. Marge doesn’t show up until the end.

GENERAL HORSE-PITAL
Look out Springfield, because Lisa won a horse in a writing contest in which she had to explain in 1200 words the moral problems with owning a horse in 21st Century suburban America. Completely outraged, Lisa tries to send the horse back to the Springfield Shopper Writing Contest department (headed by John Cho and Kal Penn as Harold & Kumar) and is met with laughter and ridicule. Homer sells the horse to Krusty, who names it “Arby’s Sandwich” and attempts to earn a spot in the Kentucky Derby. In the end, the horse sent to a farm owned by Maggie Gyllenhaal (as herself).

A RAISIN IN THE D’OH
Carl calls Homer a racist at work after Homer accidentally falls face first into a puddle of black ink at the power plant. Hoping to make amends, he buys Carl a mansion with his family’s life savings and bullies him into moving in. The moat is full of crocodiles, and after a jaunty dance number involving the crocodiles dancing in a conga line, Carl decides that the house is worth keeping. However, a giant wrecking ball manned by Jeff Bridges (as himself) destroys the house at 4am due to a misunderstanding. And after Carl falls face first into a puddle of white-out at work, both of them laugh it off. Senator Lindsey Graham is also there laughing, as himself.

ANN FLANDERS AND DEAR CRABBY
Ned Flanders, still mourning the loss of his wife 26 years ago, decides to move on and use the newest online dating app Swizzler. He meets a woman who writes advice columns in the Springfield Shopper under the moniker “Ms. Morals”. Things get tense when he learns that Ms. Morals is an atheist, and he argues that morals come from God. But wait a minute, here comes Homer with a stack of pies ready to throw at Ms. Morals for convincing Marge to start cooking vegan meals. After Ned blocks her and gets pie in his eye, he is sent to the hospital where they accidentally remove his appendix. The surgeon is Kenan Thompson as himself.

MR. SNRUB GOES TO WASHINGTON
Angry at the newest liberal federal administration, Mr. Burns disguises himself as Mr. Snrub in order to storm the Capitol with Smithers as Mr. Srehtims. Things get dicey when hired assassins are tasked with taking out both Snrub and Srehtims, so they disguise themselves further by giving themselves Van Dyke beards and calling themselves Mr. Burnthers and Mr. Smit. Homer helps them both hide in his basement while he fires a large gun into the air from his lawn yelling “BURNS AND SMITHERS AREN’T HERE, GO SOMEWHERE ELSE”, which is reminiscent of that one joke from “And Maggie Makes Three” but this is funnier because it’s Season 37! Everyone goes home after a hearty laugh. Charo plays herself as a plumber.

MY CHEMICAL MOE-MANCE
Moe, constantly down on his luck with the ladies, decides to use the newest online dating app Grundler. He meets a 38-year-old woman named Genevieve who is still the emo kid she was in high school. Moe starts wearing clothes from ’00s-era Hot Topic and listens to a lot of Fall Out Boy. Homer arranges a Fall Out Boy concert for the two of them as a gift, but he accidentally (and hilariously!) electrocutes the band during a stage mishap involving water and a cattle prod. Genevieve breaks up with Moe for being friends with such an oafish buffoon, and Homer and Moe go to Disney World. Starring Fall Out Boy as themselves. Stephen Colbert makes a brief cameo to say “WASSSSSSUUUUUP”.

APU BE NOT PROUD
Apu returns to the show for the first time in seventeen years voiced by Aziz Ansari, who also shows up as himself. The Kwik-E-Mart gets razed (hilariously!) by a bulldozer, and with nowhere to go Apu stays with the Simpson family. Again. This time, though, Homer is ready to make Apu feel at home by decorating the house in an incredibly racist manner. An angry Apu buys a truckload of Squishee to pour into the house as revenge, but Homer intercepts the truck with a helicopter he stole from Channel 6. After some nervous laughter from both parties, Apu forgives Homer and they do a jaunty dance number before travelling to Disney World.


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Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #940 – “The Red Badge of Courage”

* Part 7 of 7 of the Rise of the Batman storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #940 – “The Red Badge of Courage”! In the previous installment, Col. Kane sends in the drones! Batman and Batwoman and their crew try to deflect the drones! Red Robin successfully reroutes the drones! And now all the drones are chasing him! All of them! He’s going to die! Right before his semester at Clown College! D’oh! And he had so much to live for! Ha ha, sure.

This is the final issue of the story, so we’re going to see Col. Kane getting thwarted and Kate confronting him and the whole aftermath of all that nonsense. I didn’t see a single bit of detective work in my Detective Comics and I’m as livid as a nest of hornets right now.

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #940 [November, 2016]
Written by: James Tynion IV
“The Red Badge of Courage”

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #940

Well, no one on the cover looks happy. Did someone get killed by a swarm of drones, because lol

Col. Kane’s airship flies over Gotham, as we knew already. He intercepts a message on the comm: “This is Batman to all allies. Red Robin is engaged in a mortally dangerous fight at Old Wayne Tower. I need someone, anyone, who can get there to help him. Nobody falls today. That’s an order.”

Meanwhile, Superman is in his Fortress of Solitude hearing the message, picking his nose, and going back to his lonely can of Hormel chili.

Col. Kane yells at Ulysses to revert those drones back to their original targets. Ulysses cries like a blubbering little baby, saying that they can’t be remotely shut down. This was supposed to be a failsafe to prevent Batman from doing any funny business! He didn’t think Red Robin would stick his pud in the controls and reroute every single one of them!

Kane is about three seconds from spanking Ulysses’ ass ruddy when Batwoman shows up to give her dad a talking-to. Kane’s all like “I’m trying to stop this, Kate” and Batwoman is like “You’re lying, idiot.”

“Kate, I won’t fight you,” says Col. Kane.

“Good,” she responds, punching some fresh blood out of his pretty mouth. “Why… At every damn point, why do you have to disappoint me? All I ever wanted to do was make you proud. YOU WERE ALL I HAD LEFT! YOU WERE THE ONLY PERSON I COULD TRUST IN THIS WHOLE DAMN WORLD!”

Col. Kane continues to insist that he’s the good guy here. It’s the League of Shadows, Kate! They’re a-comin’! They’re already haunting my dreams! They keep stealing my underwear! Help! Help!

Kane informs the cooked goose that Batman informed the president, and now his covert military branch will be court-martialed. Prison time for you, daddy. I hope you like bread and water.

Suddenly, there’s another message over the comm:

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #940

Sounds like some tough talk. Who’s getting the spanking now??

Col. Kane turns to Ulysses, who is still crying softly about Red Robin winning this battle. Kane tells him to just leave him to die once the drones catch up with him. Ulysses shows the footage of the military boarding their vessel. “Dammit…” says Kane. “Activate the Black Flight Protocol.”

B-but sir! That’s an experimental weapon of candy-coated—JUST DO IT!

“You’re really going to fight the military?” Kate asks. “Are you that far gone?” And Col. Kane says no, of course not. They’re going to teleport to the Shadow base far from Gotham. Didn’t guess that one, did you, smartypants?

Before they leave, Col. Kane tells his daughter that he’s proud of her. But if she’s not going to help fight, then get the fuck off the ship. “You first,” she growls.

Then she fucking plows him through the window, sending them both plummeting to the ground below. …but they land of the roof of a building and neither of them die. They both get up, and Col. Kane merely tells his daughter that she shouldn’t have done that. She fists his jaw again, really gets up in there.

“Batwoman to Batman,” she radios. “I have Jacob Kane in my custody. What’s happening?”

“Nightwing’s trying to reach Midnighter to access door technology. But there’s nothing. I need you to get to Old Wayne Tower fast.”

“Batman, this is about to get much, much worse.”

Elsewhere, Red Robin… well…

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #940

Get up, pantywaist. Batman does take kindly to precious little whiny snowflakes.

Even though the kid is inches from death, Batman tells him to get to the belfry NOW! Red Robin is like *pant pant moan* because he broke about 45 ribs. And a leg. And his spleen. But otherwise he’s still alive with brain damage, so no more Ivy University for you, son.

Then Red Robin frowns. “Tell them I’m sorry. Tell them how much they all meant to me. Dick, Jason, Damian, Alfred… all of them. Thank you for everything, Bruce. Robin out.”

Batman says “TIM!” so loudly that the speech bubble fills the next seventeen pages.

Now Red Robin radios Spoiler to tell her that he loves her and also goodbye! *click*

Then the army of drones approaches our intrepid young idiot. Then they gun him down. Then the target is eliminated. Then the Mission is Complete. Everyone is shocked and sad for a multitude of panels, and I’m sure this is supposed to be a somber moment but we have more Detective Comics to fucking read here! Let’s get a move on!

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #940

“Nobody falls tonight”, huh? Good going, failure.

Batwoman arrives to the scene. Col. Kane is unconscious on the roof. What did she miss?!?

Batman’s looking forward to tearing Col. Kane a new butthole for all the damage that he has done. Maybe even two new buttholes if he’s angry enough.

Later, Spoiler goes somewhere alone to cry, but she’s only alone for three seconds before Batman shows up to SPOIL the aloneness, as it were. “The others are taking care of the scene,” he says sadly. “You weren’t on your comms. I wanted to make sure you were safe.”

Yeah, she’s safe. Go away.

“Tim saved hundreds of lives tonight, Stephanie. He put the world before himself, like he always did. Like the greatest heroes always do. He’ll be remembered for it.”

Sounds great. Go away.

“He chose this life, Stephanie. We all did. We know what the cost can be…”

Why don’t you go away? Jesus.

Stephanie takes out Tim’s acceptance letter to Ivy University and shows it to him. Batman’s eyes get wider than I thought his cowl would allow! He drops the letter to the floor, and now both he and Stephanie are silent. Lost in their sadness.

And Batman finally goes away.

But not before a really big, tender hug.

…

But here’s the thing. Red Robin isn’t dead.

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #940

You’re in the Matrix, kid.

A mysterious, hooded figure emerges out of the blue light. All these comics always end up with some mysterious hooded figure eventually, don’t they? “Mister Drake,” says the figure. “What a pleasure to have you join us.”

Red Robin wonders if he’s dead, but far from it! He’s never been more alive! And he’s locked in a glass prison. He tries punching. It doesn’t work. “TELL ME WHERE I AM.”

“You were reconnecting threads that could not be reconnected. You’re so loved, so deeply intertwined. It became crucial that we take you off the field. And that’s where you are, Tim. Off the field.”

Red Robin doesn’t like this shit one bit. He tells Mr. Hood to let him out now or he’ll sorely regret it. “My friends will come for me, just you wait. MY FRIENDS WILL COME.”

He’s alone now. Alone in a glass case. No one is there. Everyone thinks he’s dead. No one’s coming for him.

lol

Final Thoughts

Exciting! It makes me actually want to read the next story!

Ha. In about three years. Bye everyone.


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Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #15 – “The Good Die Young (Part 3)”

* Part 3 of 5 of the Good Die Young storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #15 – “The Good Die Young (Chapter 3)”! In the previous installment, the mole among the Runaways has tipped off the police to the whereabouts of their hideout. After narrowly escaping a spanking, the kids burrow their way through the mountain and out of harm’s way… for now…

While Mr. Wilder and Mr. Stein look for the kids, the Deans and the Hayes collaborate amongst themselves to plan a murder for the rest of the Pride! That way, the six that get into Paradise will the four of them plus their two kids! Muahahahaha! Murder is the perfect crime, even more perfect than jaywalking.

The Runaways need to thwart their parents before it’s too late! And Saturday Night Live is on in ten minutes! That Kenan sure is a laugh riot, don’t want to miss his Steve Harvey impression!

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #15 [July, 2004]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan
“The Good Die Young (Part 3)”

Runaways (Vol. 1) Issue #15

Thirty Feet Beneath Los Angeles, 7:58pm

Chase leads them all through a stinky sewer, knee deep in poop. Gert bitches until Chase calls her dinosaur gay and that it’s the reason they need to trudge through the sewers unseen in the first place. Gert argues that they’d be trudging through the sewers anyway. “We’re fugitives! Homeless fugitives! And we’re running out of places to hide from our psycho parents!”

Nico doesn’t want to hide anymore. She wants to fight. Alex mumbles, barely agreeing and he looks through the Abstract some more. This thing about the Rite of Thunder sounds interesting, though! Maybe it will involve betrayal within the Pride on the side, hopefully?

“The Rite of Thunder is a ceremony where all twelve of our parents take the spirit they captured at the Rite of Blood… and feed it to those evil Gibborim guys they work for,” explains Alex as struggles to keep the book out of the raw sewage. The Rite of Blood, of course, being the stabbing death murder from Issue #1. Can’t forget about that.

Gert doesn’t believe in souls and spirits! She’s agnostic, and she’s proud of it! *puffs out chest*

Alex tells her to cork it. These spirits are going to feed the Gibborim and give them their power and there’s no two ways about it, so get over yourself. Hey, look here in the book, it says that the Pride needs to appear before the Gibborim “humbly”. “I think that translates to ‘without weapons,’” suggests Alex. No one is listening to him anymore. They’ve got four hours to ambush their weaponless parents and give ‘em the ol’ one-two-buckle-my-shoe.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #15

Maybe they’re all dead and you haven’t figured out yet that you’re looking for piles of bones??

Wilder Family Private Beach, Malibu, California, 8:08pm

The Pride congregate to complain and whine. They can’t focus on their kids right now since they have to make their offering to the gibbering Gibborim.

“Of all the nights to get a lead on our kids, why’d it have to be tonight?” Dr. Mrs. Hayes asks out loud.

“Yes, it seems quite the coincidence, doesn’t it, mutant?” says Mr. Minoru, suggesting that perhaps one of them is loyal to the Runaways just as one of the Runaways is loyal to the pride? Hmm? Not out of the question, is it? I rest my case.

Mrs. Yorkes all but tells him to shut the fuck up, and Mr. Wilder agrees. Save the bickering and hissy-fitting until after the Rite of Thunder! Mrs. Stein clicks a button on her remote control and the Playboy channel flickers in front of their eyes. Oh, and a giant vessel dubbed The Leapfrog rises out of the waves of the ocean like a majestic… well, leapfrog, I guess.

Before they all embark, a few members of the Pride whisper amongst themselves about the meaning behind Mr. Minoru’s words. Particularly, the members of the Pride who want to murder the other members of the Pride. “Are you sure you want to go through with this, Leslie?” Dr. Mrs. Hayes says to Mrs. Dean. “I don’t want to throw away two years of worth of planning, but our girls are still–”

*slap* GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF, WOMAN! This is the perfect time to take advantage of the rest of the group’s preoccupations, insecurities, and soft, soft, stab-able abdomens.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #15

They live in a ghost ship off the coast of California and the fly a pirate flag in order to throw people off the scent that they’re actually Gibborims! It all makes sense!

Santa Monica Beach, 9:43pm

Alex has figured out the the Gibborim’s base is a few thousand leagues under the Pacific Ocean. Gert’s like “Great, that’s useful, let’s just go back home and get murdered right now” but Nico has an idea. “WATERPROOF!” she yells, pointing her Staff of One on the sand. A giant, lopsided bubble emerges. Everyone get in!

Chase would rather eat a thumbtack sandwich. “We still don’t know if one of us is a traitor! If Nico is working for our parents, she’ll pop that thing when we’re halfway down!”

Of course, Alex’s boner tells the rest of the gang that Nico can indeed be trusted, so shut your yap, Chase. He proves that she can be trusted by kissing her in front of everyone, which proves absolutely nothing and causes discomfort within the group. “Eww, they’re using tongues!” Molly cries disgustedly.

Alex apologizes for kissing and groping and bringing Nico to orgasm in front of everyone. He just wanted a little before they could possibly die, is all. But now it’s back to business!

“I wanted to tell you – all of you – that no matter how I ever acted, I always secretly looked forward to those get-togethers our parents made us have. Most of my ‘friends’ were just Xbox screennames, but I really liked you guys.” Yada yada, after this sad displace of ultra-virgin energy, Alex makes his case that he would never betray any of them to their parents and that anyone who did will be destroyed. Dig?

Everyone agrees, and they all get in the stupid bubble.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #15

THIS ISN’T SUPPOSED TO BE FUN, MOLLY! LOOK A LITTLE MORE SOMBER, WOULD YA??

2,500 Leagues Later…

They all discuss what they want to be when they grow up as they descend further and further into Hell. Gert wanted to be a senator, but the position-of-power thing is no longer appetizing. Karolina wanted to be an actress like her parents, but now that sounds like a sucky farty idea. Alex’s parents wanted him to be a doctor so, naturally, he’s going to design video games. Nico’s going to buy a bass and join an anarcho-crust punk band called “Christ Fisting”. Chase will join the FBI so he can carry a gun all the time. Molly wants to be a mom, but a good mom. Not one of those bad moms.

They all sit in silence as the bubble keeps descending the abyss.

The Marine Vivarium, 10:51pm

PLOP

The kids have landed! Gert looks around and asks if they just entered Atlantis. Alex tells them, because somehow he knows this, that it’s a 30-minute walk to the Gibborim chamber. Let’s hustle.

As Nico stares reverently at her Staff that helped them all get down safely, a large rocky-looking monsters stomps into the corridor. The Abstract didn’t say anything about a guardian, so who’s this clown? Karolina tries her breezy alien powers on it, but it doesn’t work. Chase tries to shoot flames at it from his mechanical hands, but all it does is light the dude on fire and turning it into an aggressive, burning rock monster. Chase then lures him into the water to douse the flames, but he forgot to consider that the monster will be running at him. Then he gets wasted.

Alex realizes that two pages were stuck together in the Abstract (probably after Mr. Wilder jerked off into it). Molly goes full purple-eyed mutant and tries punching the beast, but Alex stops it by saying the magic word.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #15

Roughly translates to “Hey, rock monster! Please stop, ok? My friends mean no harm and my friend Chase wants to carry a gun around everywhere.”

“AFFIRMATIVE. STENRY… POWERING… DOWN…”

Cool beans, that was easy and nice. But we have a big ol’ problem now. We’re out of Cheez-Its. Also, Chase appears to be dead.

Final Thoughts

Other than Alex, Chase is the worst one! Consider this a wash.


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Star Trek: The Next Generation – Season 1, Episode 1 – “Encounter at Farpoint (Part 1)”

Star Trek: The Next Generation

“The crew of the Enterprise is put on trial by a mysterious force called “Q” for all the crimes of mankind.“

Ohhhhh, that mischievous Q! A real boner for Picard, that guy has!

We fly through space during the opening credits with that “HEY, THINGS ARE OPTIMISTIC” music, signifying the altruistic motives of the USS Enterprise.

Picard is like 33 years old and he is the new captain on the ship. He is in awe of the ship’s size and complexity. It’s like a really hard jigsaw puzzle.

They are tasked with “solving the mysterious of Farpoint station”, but Picard thinks the mission is merely nothing more than “snooping around”. Data displays his inability to know human words like “snoop” while Deanna Troi, the empath, senses something amiss while something amiss happens! As usual! So the ship encounters a giant mesh fence in their way and instead of plowing right through it like I would’ve done, Picard decides to stop in front of it and look at it for a bit.

Q appears on the bridge dressed as a gay pirate and orders Picard to return to his own solar system forthwith! Picard bites his thumb at Q while Q parades around the bridge like he owns the fucking place. He even goes as far as killing a redshirt with frosty breath, the show’s very first fatality before the seven-minute mark! “Now go back,” Q threatens, “or else you most will certainly die.”

Star Trek: The Next Generation, Season 1, Episode 1 - Encounter at Farpoint (Part 1)

Lose the attitude or you’re walking the plank, Picard.

Now that we’ve established that Q is a big scary man, Picard stands before him puzzled and a little bit horny. Q accuses humans of being a “savage child race”, but Picard insists that humans haven’t been savage since, like, 1987! And definitely not children! Lieutenant Yar, who will die in about nine episodes, requests permission to take out the trash! And once she’s done with that, she’ll kick Q off the bridge. Picard holds his hand up and waves her off all “no no no, let’s see where this goes.” Maybe more redshirts will get killed before lunchtime.

Q disappears momentarily and Picard asks his crew for advice. The advice ranges from “kick Q’s ass” to “Q will probably kick our asses”. It is determined that they should do an about face and try to warp speed with their tail between their legs to outrun the whatever the hell is trying to stop them. Picard asks Troi what kind of lifeform they just encounterd, and Troi says “I ‘unno lol”.

Some big ball of fire chases the ship down, and it’s going faster than they are able to outrun. Picard assigns Worf with the task of taking command of the main bridge while he takes a small team to the BATTLE BRIDGE. The intention is to break off the saucer section so they can send civilians into a black hole or something. They try to shoot torpedoes behind them to blow up the ball of fire, but that’s dumb and doesn’t work for shit.

Star Trek: The Next Generation, Season 1, Episode 1 - Encounter at Farpoint (Part 1)

Shooting torpedoes at a fire didn’t work? Hmm… we’ll need to go to drastic measures. Let’s try jettisoning non-essential personnel into the flames and see if that makes a dent.

The saucer section detaches while the bombastic theme music plays, and I’m fucking PUMPED. I’M HERE FOR IT. Data looks like he’s about to unload all over his own android penis. What this will actually accomplish is unclear, but I trust that Picard knows what he’s doing. *snicker*

While the saucer flies off into outer space never to be retrieved again, Picard and his team in the BATTLE BRIDGE will wait and see if they get ambushed by Q shenanigans again. He then decides to send a message in all languages and frequencies that they surrender to the ball of fire. A mesh fence surrounds their ship, a blinding flash of light engulfs the crew, and they find themselves in an ugly alien courtroom surrounded by laughing, rabblerousing, hootin’ and hollerin’ commoners and men wearing flamboyant outfits. “THE PRISONERS WILL ALL STAND!” declares a flamboyant man. Data recognizes the setting as a mid-21st century setting. Barbaric in how motions are carried out! Uncouth!

Q appears dressed as a “judge”, and by that I mean he looks like a nun or something with a red robe and a stupid hat. Time to answer for humanities crimes, critical personnel of the USS Enterprise. We’ve got Picard, Data, Yar, and Troi. Yar immediately tries to kick a guard’s ass, and she does. And the crowd goes wild! Action and excitement abound. Picard asks if this will be a fair trial, and Q goes “yeah, maybe, I haven’t decided yet.”

Star Trek: The Next Generation, Season 1, Episode 1 - Encounter at Farpoint (Part 1)

If it pleases the court, your honor, I request a brief recess as I have veritably pooped my pants.

Data stands up and informs the court that the United Nations had declared it illegal in 2036 for a species to have to answer for the crimes of its predecessors. Q tells him this is a court of 2079, bitch, and that shit was repealed. So cork it and let’s continue.

Yar stands up and calls this whole affair a kangaroo court! Q freezes her to death, presumably. Troi cries and calls Q a barbarian. Q yawns as a response.

“You promised the prisoners will not be harmed!” Picard snaps. Q smiles like an asshole and then eventually decides “fine” and thaws Yar out much to the crowd’s utter distaste. There are even a couple of thumbs-downs! Q calls for silence and the proceedings… well, proceed.

“Present the charges!” Q bellows.
“Criminal, you will read the charges to the court,” announces the bailiff.
Picard stares it the sheet for about seven seconds and probably sees a shopping list. “I see no charges here,” he decides bravely. The crowd gasps and freaks out.

Guns are now pointed at Data’s and Troi’s head, and Q orders the guards to fire if Picard pleads anything but “Guilty”. With a smirk, Picard pleads “Guilty… provisionally.” Q respects this and allows Picard to continue talking his nonsense. He looks like he’s about to cry and admits that humans have had a history of being savage, so test them as representatives of humanity! They’ve got a mission at Farpoint that they need to go to! Watch them be nice and good and that will be undeniable proof that humans are top drawer! Q accepts this deal and allows them to all go… for now… muahahaha.

Star Trek: The Next Generation, Season 1, Episode 1 - Encounter at Farpoint (Part 1)

I’ve never felt this way about another man before.

Q returns the crew to the Enterprise, where they all look quite dazed and confused. They are still heading to Farpoint Station, and Picard gets a little titillated.

Meanwhile, William Riker has been assigned as First Officer of the USS Enterprise and waits at Farpoint to get picked up by the ship. The beardless Riker meets a guy named Zorn who doesn’t make avant-garde punk jazz records and radical experiment klezmer quartets. He’s the host of Farpoint and he seems kind of loony toons, but we’ll see more of that later!

Riker meets up with Dr. Beverly Crusher and her little disappointment of a son Wesley. Wesley says oh gee sir I’m having fun here. Beverly is cold toward the future First Officer, but Riker tells her that being assigned to the Enterprise will be fun! Wesley is excited!

Star Trek: The Next Generation, Season 1, Episode 1 - Encounter at Farpoint (Part 1)

Hello there, shopkeep. Do you have any Preparation H?

Next, Riker speaks with red-shirted Georgi La Forge, who salutes stiffly and says boring stuff. Reading Rainbow my ass.

Riker beams up to the Enterprise and is greeted by Yar, who informs the new First Officer that Picard will strip him down and examine every inch of his body before submitting his approval. On the BATTLE BRIDGE, Picard welcomes Riker aboard and promises to catch him up on the goings-on with Q and the whole having to prove that humanity doesn’t suck anymore aspect of their mission. Riker watches a video of clips that we, the viewing audience, have seen already earlier in the episode as if it were a reality show with a camera crew on the bridge. Riker is probably thinking something along the lines of “holy shit, what did I get my sexy ass into here?”

The saucer section is returning to the rest of the ship, and Picard commands Riker to help manually dock it. Riker is nervous. Picard tells him to fucking get going and do it right or pay the ultimate price of being jettisoned out into the cold, unforgiving vacuum of space! And also no TV before bedtime.

After a very “tense” scene where both Data and O’Brien look at each other like “this fucking guy is going to screw this up completely”, Riker is successful! Whew, that was certainly a close one! He establishes trust from the crew immediately instead of drawing it out for two seasons like a real TV show would do.

Picard enjoys an Earl Grey tea in the meeting room while grilling Riker about his past stations. Riker did a boo-boo during his previous assignment but justifies it by insisting that he was looking out for his captain (kissass alert). Picard welcomes Riker aboard, he’s going to fit in just fine. There are plenty of ladies on the ship to fuck, by the way. I’m sure you’ll waste absolutely no time at all with that.

We learn about Geordi’s blindness while Dr. Crusher examines his visor. LeVar Burton is wearing these creepy sky blue contact lenses and I don’t even want to look at him anymore.

Star Trek: The Next Generation, Season 1, Episode 1 - Encounter at Farpoint (Part 1)

AHHH! PUT IT OUT OF ITS MISERY! SET IT ON FIRE!

Riker arrives on the main bridge and soaks in the sterile, empty environment. Michael Worf Dorn gives his salutations. Nothing interesting happens in these scenes.

Data speaks to a 137-year-old formal admiral about androids and Vulcans. The admiral advises Data to treat the Enterprise like a lady. Data looks confused. And that’s the end of Part 1! Thanks for playing.

Next Time on Star Trek: The Next Generation

Season 1, Episode 2 — “Encounter at Farpoint (Part 2)”
More like “Encounter at FARTpoint”! Ha ha ha! I’ll see myself out, nerds.


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Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #939 – “The Thin Red Line”

* Part 6 of 7 of the Rise of the Batman storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #939 – “The Thin Red Line”! In the previous installment, Batwoman’s crew successfully infiltrates and neutralizes the Colony and their efforts to install an army of Batmen. However, Ulysses Hadrian Armstrong has a backup plan involving the drones. So we have two more issues of “THERE’S A SUPER SECRET LEAGUE OF SHADOWS THREAT IN GOTHAM” while Batman goes “NUH-UH”. Enjoy it.

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #939 [October, 2016]
Written by: James Tynion IV
“The Thin Red Line”

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #939

Feast your eyes on that cover! Red Robin crotch right in your fuckin’ face! It makes me want to just take a bite out of its succulence.

Heh. Um. Excuse me. Many years ago, Col. Kane and Wifey Kane attend the funeral of the Wayne parents. “I swear, I’d hit him if I had the chance. Walking down a back alley in this damn city, in that part of town? What the hell was he thinking?”

Here’s what he was thinking: la dee da I hope I don’t get shot today, whoops! *guns*

“Thomas never thought about anybody except himself,” Kane continues. Yeah, yeah, yeah, your sister’s dead because of Bruce Wayne’s dumb father. Join the club.

Lil’ Bruce sits in a front pew crying. Lil’ Kate comes to visit. She asks if she can sit next to him, but in a bout of petulance, Bruce tells her that Alfred made him sit by himself. She pauses. “Remember last summer? Beth and I stole your truck and ran through the yard. You cried and called us big jerks.”

“No I didn’t.”

*awkward silence*

“It’s ok to cry if you want,” she smiles. Then she says their dads hated each other, but they’re cousins and family is important. And she’s going to sit there if that’s ok. Or else.

Flashforward to the present where Batman is in Batwoman HQ talking to Alfred on the big ol’ screen they got in there. They might get Superman involved, but since this isn’t his fucking comic book Batman tells him to hold off. Clayface complains that the Batmen really messed the place up. Red Robin grins like a moron. “The belfry heals itself,” he says of smashed windows. “There are replacement panels in the walls that deploy whenever needed.” Again, this kind of technology doesn’t exist and Red Robin is just pulling their legs. They’re actually going to torch the place to the ground, so get the matches.

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #939

You can see the “oh shit” moment when Red Robin realizes that he is actually destined to become a carpenter.

“Is everything ok?” asks Slipknot, or whatever Stephanie Brown’s name is.

“I made my decision, Steph. Next semester I’ll be starting with the Ivy University special projects program. And I’ll be devoting myself full time.”

Yeah right, kid. It’s community college for you. You spent all your money on replacement panels.

So he’s hanging up Red Robin, eh? Good for you, son! Learning is important, etc. He and Stephanie hug. It’s a sweet moment. Too bad I’m blowing past all of it right now!

“And when will you tell Batman?” She asks. And he basically says “when this story arc is over”.

Meanwhile, Batman and Batwoman are having their own pow-wow. She wants to know why he lied to her. He knew that Col. Kane was involved in all this from the beginning! Batman merely says that he suspected, but he didn’t know. She tells him that his suspicions are right 90% of the time. The other 10% of the time it’s termites. But she’s pissed off all the same.

“All right. I knew. There was a fleet of a hundred drones in this city, monitoring all vigilante activity, but twenty of those were dedicated exclusively to you. Whoever was behind those drones had a vested interest in you, and a clear objective in mind.”

“So you thought you’d recruit me before they did.”

“Yes.”

Then there’s a back-and-forth about trust and how Kate would react and how her father would react and all sorts of sticky shit. It always disturbed Batman, too, that Col. Kane had access to everything the military could throw at them. Plus poor judgement. And a hate-boner against the Wayne family.

Kate is still stricken with the feelings of betrayal. “It just feels… it feels like I have no family left.” She hangs her head.

“You do, Kate.” And he’ll never lie to her again! *snicker*

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #939

It’s Marilyn Monroe! ♪ ♪ Happy Birthday, Mr. President… ♪ ♬

Alfred interrupts on the screen by telling Batman that “the Black Line” is ready. Time to dismantle the Colony from the top down! He gets the president on the horn and briefs him on the goings-on of a covert branch of his military. And Trump’s response to this is “durrrr” before he diarrheas himself into a permanent coma.

Meanwhile, Red Robin is at the computer console trying to figure out how to override any of Ulysses Armstrong’s programs when he discovers something sinister. “They have a secondary drone fleet,” he reports. “Heavily armed. It’s en route to Gotham. Minutes away.”

“Can you shut them down remotely?” asks Batman, always with the good ideas.

“No.” Red Robin answers, slapping his silly goose mentor. “I’m trying to see if I can rework their code on the fly, but that will take time. Too much time.”

Red Robin believes that they themselves aren’t the targets, but it’s the mythical League of Shadows. He looks at the screen and finds ten areas in Gotham that are targets of interest for them. Think of all the innocent lives that might be lost if all ten areas were targeted! After counting on his fingers, Red Robin decides that it might be hundreds!

“Nobody dies tonight,” Batman says even though, statistically as of 2025, 106 people die every minute. Batwoman tells everyone to be on high alert. Order a pizza and put on a pot of coffee. It’s going to be a long night.

Elsewhere, Kane is in some sort of military aircraft entering the city limits now. “We only have one shot at this, people,” he says. “We need to do it right.”

“Never been much of a religious man…” he continues. “But God, if you’re watching… know that what we’re doing is just. We’re saving lives tonight. We’re just being messy about it.” And also, just keep Kate safe amidst all this needless death and destruction! Somehow! Col. Kane is just going to drone strike to the whole damn city, so that part is in God’s hands now.

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #939

Hey! Uh… you’re gonna pay for that window!

Batman crashes the fuck through a window of a building and tells its inhabitants to get down to the basement before they get blasted to oblivion. The people just stand there petrified as if some crazy guy in a Batsuit just crashed the fuck through their window. The others are also having similar trouble as they crash through other locations and tell the people to get down.

I guess it works eventually, but they don’t really show that part.

“How did they know we were striking first?” Col. Kane yells.

“Red Robin,” responds Ulysses. “He’s in the system. Not sure what he’s up to…”

“Well, then get him the hell out there!”

Easier said than done, Colonel Sir. One of his team wants to put Batman and Batwoman on top of the target list, but Kane says “NO!” Move onto other targets, gawddamnit!

They start with where Spoiler crashed into, so she contacts Red Robin who is going to try to reroute the drones. This scares Spoiler, wondering what he actually has in mind when he tells her that he’s going to try pushing them to a single target. Ulysses is freaking out that his drones are getting overridden to high heaven.

Spoiler’s stomachache was justified. Red Robin rerouted all the drones to strike him at Batfuck HQ.

“Rewrite the damn code!” yells Col. Kane.

Ulysses frowns like I’ve never seen anyone frown before. “I’ve never seen an encryption like this…”

Spoiler tells Batman that Red Robin reprogrammed all the drones to strike his scrawny little butt, which gives Batman a stomachache. Now everyone has a stomachache. Batman leaps away while Batwoman stays put, intending to have a word with her meddling father.

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #939

If you can’t handle this then it really will be community college for you, sonny.

Batman has ideas! “Scramble the Batwing. Full jet, I don’t care if we break the sound barrier too low to the ground. Get it here. Fire them down.” Alfred tells him that it will take at least ten minutes from the manor. “JUST DO IT!” Batman snarls, a hair away from firing Alfred and throwing him out on the street.

Red Robin figures out the math and now the drones are chasing him down. He smiles wryly like he didn’t do something dumb.

“Okay, Bat-Drones. Let’s dance.”

Final Thoughts

Red Robin is going to die and no one will go to his funeral.


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