Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #577 – “Chapter Three: Deadly Allies”

* Part 3 of 4 of the Batman: Year Two storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #577 – “Chapter Three: Deadly Alliesl”! In the previous installment, we learn The Reaper’s backstory (wife was killed in front of him), we get to see prospective nun Rachel Caspian kiss Bruce and then later most likely fuck him, we get to see Batman strike a deal with Mob Bosses to all work together to bring down The Reaper, and we get to see Commissioner Jimmy Jam Gordon doubt Batman’s loyalties. Also, Batman has to work with the guy who killed his parents roflmao

And now we get to see Bruce and Alfred wrestle in a wading pool full of pudding! Don’t sleep on this iconic issue, ladies and gentlemen!

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #577 [August, 1987]
Written by: Mike W. Barr
“Chapter Three: Deadly Allies”

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #577

If the cover is any indication, we’re going to have yet another whole issue of Bruce Wayne crying about his dead parents. It’s like, dude, your father would have probably molested you when your voice started changing. He’s not the great guy you think he is!

Batman is hanging out in the graveyard with his 700 sq. ft. cape billowing in the breeze. He remembers that time that a bat flew through his window and gave him the idea to be Batman. He has always seen this as a sign from his dead father. But, oho, aha, some moral dilemmas present themselves. Should he ally himself with the man who killed his father in order to get shit done? Is that kosher?

Leslie startles Batman as she enters the graveyard, chastising him for becoming the man he has become (a jerk in a bat suit). How dare he consider working with murderers and criminals and Seinfeld fans to restore order in their fair, dank city.

“If joining forces with the underworld is what it takes to defeat The Reaper, then I will,” Batman responds a little too readily for Leslie’s liking. She asks him if he ever prays. Like, really prays. Gets down on those knobby knees and cries for the Jesus sweetness. Batman doesn’t pray. At least there’s that.

Leslie will pray for Bruce, then. I think that’s a horrible idea since Bruce is working with murderers and criminals and anime bros, but more power to ya, lady.

Later, Joe Chill (the shuddery name of Bruce’s killer buddy) waits for the caped crusader in an alley. Their target is in his home, so let’s get a move on before Blue Bloods is on. It’s the episode where Donnie Wahlberg stuffs an entire chicken down his throat.

They reach the roof of a building where they look at the roof of another building and then watch two guards patrolling said roof. Joe Chill wants to fill these guys full of bullets, but Batman has a better idea: swooping down upon them and cold-cocks one guy in the face. And then he throws a gun at one of them, knocking him unconscious. That was easy, right? And it didn’t take 40 stupid panels to get it done.

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #577

Guns don’t kill people, people kill people. With guns. And they make a hearty “CLUNCT” to boot.

Joe Chill comments on Batman’s gun. The very gun Chill used to murder Batman’s parents. “I used to carry a piece like that,” Chill says. Batman grits his teeth so hard that he breaks them into teeny tiny pieces and then swallows them and them scrapes his butthole pooping them out. “Is that right?” he growls.

On the count of three, they both bust through the door of an apartment containing what looks like a gay biker gang. The Fallen Angels. They ain’t so tough. All it takes is a few gun bullets to show them what’s what.

With most of the room down, one guy stands in the corner with a grenade. “Stay away, man… I’m warning you.” Batman suggests a friendly, non-confrontational chit-chat with the lad, but Chill decides to shoot him right in the heart before he pulls the pin. Batman is like “now Joey, buddy, let’s try talking next time.”

Now to continue finding their target, whoever that is. I don’t remember if I’m supposed to know that. I thought they were supposed to be looking for The Reaper, not some hippie in a flower shirt.

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #577

You’re harshing my buzz, maaaaaan.

This hippie goes by “Sunshine” , and he’s going to get a grenade lodged in his rectum if he doesn’t do exactly what Joe Chill says. “My bosses have a job for you…” Chill says chillingly.

Now that the hippie has a job, Batman is like “I’ll be going now.” Joe Chill lights a cigarette and comments that the two of them make a pretty good team, eh? Batman poops out more of his teeth. “…Father… what have I done?”

Back in the warehouse where the mob bosses meet for root beers and a game of Chutes and Ladders, Chill briefs the men. The hippies will be dealing drugs on Friday, The Reaper will catch wind of the deal, and then they’ll all get The Reaper. Badabing badaboom why not done?

Jimmy the Fist, who I named myself, has a problem, though. The Batman. And Joey Chilly is like, pfffft, no problem. The dude is stuffed with fluff like Winnie the Pooh! “I can take him out,” he says. Meeting adjourned. Blue Bloods is on in five minutes!

Elsewhere, Lieutenant Dicksuck shows up to Gordon’s office to tell him about the drug deal that he just heard about from, you know, the 1987 version of the internet. At any rate, let’s put all of our men on it. Bring me everyone. EVERYONE!!!

Alfred has a Hitler mustache and he’s driving Bruce and Leslie to a dinner party to meet Mr. Caspian! Oh boy!

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #577

Well, I thought I knew you, Der Führer.

While both Leslie and Alfred tut-tut on Bruce’s immoral decisions, Bruce handwaves it off smilingly! At the dinner, pleasantries are exchanged and genitals are fondled. It seems that young Bruce has coaxed Rachel out of the convent! Good for him. He’ll cut her loose in about two days anyway. Bruce Wayne is player, but let’s not forget Alfred. That guy fucks.

Mr. Caspian does his little “be kind to my daughter or I’ll murder you” dance, to which Bruce solemnly lets him know that he understands Rachel’s history what with the gun and the murder of the parental unit. “I think that may be the supreme capacity of the human soul… to put pain behind it, to begin anew. I love Rachel, Mr. Caspian. I would never do anything to hurt her.

This smarmy sack of shit is going to get Rachel accidentally killed.

Leslie smiles. I guess Bruce is the gentleman he has always purported to be! That’s a relief!

Rachel invites Bruce in for a cup of a tea and a wet vagina, but Bruce needs to take a rain check on that drinkin’ and fuckin’. Mr. Caspian, too, has other matters to attend to tonight. Rachel gets left alone with her Cosmopolitan magazines and her Intellivision while the two men her life prowl around the streets in their respective stupid-ass costumes.

Batman meets up with Joe Chill again in order to do more crimes. Gordon and Co. stakeout the drug deal. A couple of goons are unloading barrels of ether from a truck. A cop masquerading as a bum keeps an eye on things, but The Repear scythes him to an early death. The scream draws Batman’s attention! Oh shit, a cop is down! This is so totally fucked! Let’s go check it out, buddy!

Gordon and Co. see the bat swooping down. Man your stations, gentlemen!

The Reaper kills some drug dealers.

The SWAT team has arrived to do some SWATting.

Batman and Joe Chill catch up with the Reaper. Then there’s a little dancey fight where Batman does slips and The Reaper does twirls. Gordon busts down the door with his SWAT team. “Freeze, everyone!” he says with an air of AUTHORITY! The Reaper shoots at Gordon, but Batman saves him just in time by pulling him to the floor. Gordon is ungrateful! Says Batman is under arrest! He even clocks him in the mug! What is the world coming to??

Joe Chill accidentally shoots an ether barrel and the building explodes with everyone in it. The building is in ruins! Joe Chillmeister hangs on to a piece of wood for dear life! One slip and he drops 190 stories!

“Hey, partner—a little help here, huh?” he says to the unhurt, unfettered Batman. Batman stands there silently. “You deaf?” Chill asks. “Gimme a hand.”

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #577

DIE, WAYNES! DIE! HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!!!

Batman looks like he’s about ready to push this fucker down to his death, but of course he doesn’t. It’s because Batman has scruples. And he saves him and they swing off together into the moonlight.

Later, Batman promises his dear old dead dad that he’ll get his revenge. Oh, he’ll get his revenge. He just, uh, needs this guy. Still. To get The Reaper. But, after that, he promises! No foolin’.

Final Thoughts

Batman is such a cuck. There’s no reason to really work with this guy. Just put a bullet through his skull and move on, you pussy.


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Invincible, Issue #7

* Part 3 of 4 of the Eight of Enough storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Invincible, Issue #7! In the previous installment, Black Samson is a guy who lost his powers and needs to have a special suit tailored to get his powers back so that he can rejoin the Guardians of the Globe and participate in their Bingo tournaments. However, the suit has been stolen from the special superhero tailor, and we think it was Black Samson himself because he was having a fucking heart attack trying to get by without his powers. The dude is cuh-raaazy. Or maybe it was someone else who stole it? We don’t know yet. Maybe it was George Clooney.

Meanwhile, Robot is leaving the Teen Team to go join the Guardians of the Globe and participate in their three-legged races. The rest of the Teen Team acted like this didn’t matter much at all and that Robot sucked anyway. Later, Atom Eve returns to their secret meeting place (atop a suspension bridge tower), sees something she doesn’t like, says “no”, and starts sobbing. This was the cliffhanger. Time to see what that was about. Or not. Either is fine with me.

Invincible, Issue #7 [December, 2003]
Written by: Robert Kirkman

Invincible, Issue #7Mark gets Saturdays off from superheroics, it seems. 12 panels in a row of Mark sleeping in. He’s all tuckered out from that Friday night superhero orgy down at the interstate rest stop.

In Midnight City, at 9am, two dudes are doing illegal crimes in the darkness of the aptly named city. There is no day or night in Midnight City. “Not since the Midnight Magician succeeded in his suicide mission three years ago,” says the fat dude, the older brother. I can’t really tell what they’re doing exactly, but it involves a rocket-looking metal object and a crank. Or a level. Maybe it’s a trash can? You know what, forget I said anything.

“What if we trip an alarm?” asks the worried skinny dude, the younger brother. Well, the government started paying people to leave the city after the suicide mission. Cops are gone. Alarm-setters are gone. The only people left are holdouts and criminals! So get criming.

“Only real threat to us is Darkwing, and he can’t be everywhere,” smirks the fat one.

Then Darkwing shows up immediately. As if he’s everywhere. He looks like fuckin’ Batman without the bat ears. It’s such a ripoff that I’m coughing my lungs out right now in rage. He even has the jawline. It’s an abomination is what it is.

The criminals try to run away, but Batman… ahem, Darkwing… stops them in their tracks. After Darkwing hogties them, he gets a call from the Guardians of the Globe to reassemble. There’s Salisbury steak at the ol’ buffet! First come, first served!

Now, in Moscow, a woman is being robbed at gunpoint in broad daylight. A superhero named Kursk, who is such a ripoff of the Flash that I’m smashing my balls with a hammer in a fit of anger, knocks out the robbers in the flutter of an eye! Then he saves a cat falling from a tree in the wisp of a whisker!

Then he gets called back to base during a picnic date with a lovely Russian woman. Maybe he’ll be back before the borscht spoils!

Invincible, Issue #7

Fuck, man. Why are superheroes always needed? Why are victims so damn needy?

In Boston, a naked woman wakes up hungover in a luxurious purple bed. The titties are almost illustrated! Hoo baby! But she is such a ripoff of Wonder Woman that I’m noosing myself while jerking off in blind fury.

She puts on a dress without underwear and descends the stairs to the kitchen where her girlfriend is making breakfast. They share a cozy kiss WHEN SUDDENLY A MOTHERFUCKING GIANT STONY SPARTAN BUSTS THROUGH THE WALL GOING AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!! “You will return with me to the other realms, War Woman. Your place is not among these mortals. Your mother is worried about you.”

War Woman ain’t about to get pushed around by her mother. She gears up and starts fighting the Stony Spartan. “I — WON’T — GO – BACK!” she screams, rendering this Spartan into a pile of quivering rocks and pebbles!

War Woman’s girlfriend is all “wtf, jesus christ.” War Woman promises to the pay the landlord for the damage AND the cost of moving her into a new place. Then she gets a call from the Harlem Globeguardians and takes off.

Who’s next? Ah, a hero from Atlantis who is such a ripoff of Aquaman that I’m eating a pan of brownies with whipped cream in a moment of peace and tranquility. There’s not much going on with him. When he gets the call back to base, he relishes the idea of some actual action and swims his way to the surface. I don’t learn his name, but’s probably something like “Chub Butt”

Next is space with heroes that are such ripoffs of Green Lanterns that something something something and another thing. They’re trying to save an alien from a space robot and it looks pretty exciting! After a few panels the robot is neutralized!

“You okay?” the faux Green Lantern (Green Ghost, as it were) asks the alien.

“I am fine… were it not for your delay I would be better.”

What a little bitch. See if we save you again in the future.

Invincible, Issue #7

We can continue our little tryst later. Wipe the green spooge off before Darkwing sees you or he’ll go apeshit.

High above Denver, a hero who doesn’t look like anything I recognize yet (and yet I’m still rantin’ and hollerin’) is fighting a guy strapped to a tiny bi-plane. This villain has terminal cancer, so he doesn’t mind going out with a bang, so to speak. “I’m laced with enough carcinogens, and loaded down with enough hazardous materials to make Denver glow in the dark! My power source is uranium! It’s all we had to use in the old days! Yes siree! They won’t know what hit ‘em!”

This hero guy grabs this bald douchebag’s arm and launches him right into space. Bye bye, threat. Then he gets called by his team of hosers and off he goes. He’s the last one to show up in the secret Utah base. Everyone was waiting for him impatiently.

“Well…” he says. “What’s the emergency?”

Fake Flash is Floored. They all thought he sent them all here! What’s going on!

Suddenly, they all get sniped and beheaded by an unknown assailant! The last hero asks the assailant to come out and show himself! “You may have caught the others by surprise, but I won’t be so easy… you can’t hide from me forever!”

Then the assailant makes himself known. “YOU!” yells the terrified hero. “I never liked you.”

Boom. Decapitated.

Invincible, Issue #7

It was Ned Flanders all along!

Final Thoughts

OH NO! DAD IS BAD! WHAT WILL MARK DO WHEN HE FINDS OUT IN ISSUE #89???

I’ll tell you what he’s going to do! He’s going to get a malted down at the Scooby-Doo diner and then drop a few coins at the penny arcade! Ha ha ha! Kids today!


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Silk (Vol. 1), Issue #7

* Part 7 of 7 of the Life and Times of Cindy Moon storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Silk (Vol. 1), Issue #7! In the previous installment, Mr. Repairman gets killed by Black Cat before he is able to cough up the goods about Cindy’s family, which pisses her the heck off! After a tense battle where Silk, honestly, had the upper hand, Black Cat galivants away all like “you haven’t seen the last of meeeeeee.”

Cindy decides to call the psychiatrist’s number that Reed Richards provided, unbeknownst to her that a fucking planet is about to hit Manhattan.

That shit is probably going to hurt. Another ten years in the bunker for Cindy! Maybe staying away from the apocalypse is a good idea.

Silk (Vol. 1), Issue #7 [November, 2015]
Written by: Robbie Thompson

Silk (Vol. 1), Issue #7

It’s 9:15am. Then it’s 9:30. Then it’s 9:51. Cindy sits across from a psychiatrist, and both are silent in this shitty, unproductive session.

“Well, thank you,” Cindy says as she walks out of the office. The psychiatrist would like to see her again next week! Good stuff, not at all a ripoff.

Cindy recaps the events of the weird planet crashing toward Manhattan and how the rest of the world is not taking it very well. Riots everywhere. People in her own Daily Bugle office are running around like chimps throwing papers (and their feces) around. “I’m supposed to be doing something about this,” she thinks hopelessly. “Whatever this is. But I have no idea where to begin.”

J. Jonah Jameson calls Cindy into his office, ready to tear into her with his gnarly gnashing gteeth!

“I’ve covered the end of the world a handful of times,” he says after the door is closed. “But this one… well… it looks like a keeper. I talked to my friends in the police department. There are no records of your family anywhere.”

Well shucks, Mr. J! Don’t that beat all?!

Jameson does have some good news, though! A drugged-up man named James Park was arrested after a car accident! He was involved with a gang called the Goblin Nation! Does that help?

No? How about this, then: When James was asked his name, the first thing he said was “Albert Moon”! Cindy’s kid brother!

What? Drugs? Gangs? Crashed cars? He’s in a halfway house across town? But sir, with all due respect, you’re a fucking idiot!

Silk (Vol. 1), Issue #7

Albert always had an affinity for huffing glue and getting corrupted by Grand Theft Auto games!

Cindy goes to the roof with the intention of Silking up, but two of her lesbian coworkers are there to watch the apocalypse. They all hug in a tender “we’ll never see each other again because of death reasons” embrace. Then Silk is on the prowl!

She had tried to call Peter Parker with no luck. The kid is probably masturbating over some toast. She bids him good luck as she swings across town looking for… something. It doesn’t matter right now, because people keep needing help left and right. All like “HELP ME!” and “SAVE ME!” and “OUCH, OH NO!” She shoots so much of her spoogy webs that she’s sure she’s running out of web juice. She uses her last bit of webby goodness to save a bus from falling into a crater, but at what cost?

Secured by a web to a column of a building, the bus hangs precariously on the edge. Silk orders all the mofos off the bus NOW before it crashes and everyone dies of blunt force trauma to the bones and the vital organs. Everyone gets off the bus. Silk somehow falls into the crater with the bus. She isn’t hurt, but she’s pinned by debris.

Silk (Vol. 1), Issue #7

Albert… this is all your fault, Albert… go… go suck a dick, Albert…

As Silk loses consciousness, she remembers saying goodbye to her parents before entering the bunker. They all hug in a tender “we’ll never see each other again because of bunker reasons” embrace.

“Silk… um… little help?”

Silk slowly opens her eyes to find a TERRIFYING dragon and claw-type creature lifting the debris off of her body. Dragonclaw for the win, as the kids say. Redemption arc. Yawn.

Things aren’t good though, so this is no place for a guy with a daughter to be! Go back to your home where you can both die together in peace!

Then she kisses Harris Porter on the cheek.

Silk (Vol. 1), Issue #7

Presented without comment.

Silk is gung-ho about finding Albert before a planet hits her in the face. She ends up in the halfway house where people are scrambling and throwing papers around and all-around making a bruhaha.

“I’m looking for a patient… James Park.”

“Park? We don’t have a Park here.”

“Are you sure–”

“He might be on the fourth floor. Assisted living isn’t my department.”

ASSISTED LIVING?? As in bedpans and wheelchairs? She books it to the fourth floor as the planet looms and looms. He’s in room 407, but there’s mere seconds before impact. There’s no time! No time!

She finds him just in time. A young man with Silk newspaper clippings pasted all over the walls.

The hug in a tender “we’ll never see each other again because of planet-killing-humanity reasons” embrace.

The scene slowly fades to white.

“I’m sorry. For everything,” Silk says. “And I love you Albert. I love you.”

Fade completely to white. Story over.

Final Thoughts

It’s going to take me forever to get to the bottom of this Killer Red Planet business! In the meantime, I’m gonna move on to Silk Vol. 2 and pretend all this nasty End of the World unpleasantness is behind me forever! Bye!


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Octavia, Chapter 1 – The Beginning

Thousand Year Old Vampire is a lonely solo role-playing game in which you chronicle the unlife of a vampire over the many centuries of their existence, beginning with the loss of mortality and ending with their inevitable destruction.

My name is Octavia Maria, first daughter of Octavius Caesonius, a farmer. I was born on a small farm outside of Tuscany in 1503; my mother died during childbirth and my father never remarried. I was the fifth of five children; all four of my older brothers were able to help tend the farm during my childhood. I am a 21-year-old female assassin who takes jobs in Tuscany. I’m often hired to take out members of political organizations for reasons that are of no concern to me.

The two people who mean the most to me in my life are my father, a kind but uneducated man, and my mentor Claudius Marcus, a man who taught me everything I know about the art of assassinating.

My weapon of choice for assassination is the dagger, my prized possession handed down by Claudius of which I am skilled at using swiftly and clandestinely. I am also very good with a slingshot, a sentimental object I carried around as a child as if it were an extension of my body. It was gifted to me by my father after he discovered my impish, mischievous personality (I liked to climb trees and, occasionally, scare the cows). Killing old, fat men’s political enemies requires a lot of smooth-talking, something I excel at as a woman with certain accessories that please men of all stations. I am also adept at slinking around quietly, which is useful for creeping up on targets and merchants with wares I don’t have the coin to afford. I have a locket that belonged to my mother that I wear around my neck in honor of her memory. My older brothers have been treating me poorly for years and they blame me for our mother’s death. Once, my eldest brother Livius Lucanus stole the locket straight off my neck and threw it on a rafter in the barn. It took me hours to retrieve it, and I’ve never forgiven him for it.

Three weeks after my 21st name day, I was hired to kill a young, handsome man named Bonizzone Petruccio. I learned his daily habits and routines, which were, for the most part, fairly repetitive. He would leave his manor shortly before the sun rose and head for the court, where he stayed until well after the sun went down (never leaving during the day to meet with and/or dine with political allies, something other members of the monarch’s court dabbled in frequently to secure funding for their nasty political agendas). I spied on Bonizzone for six days, perched atop buildings in inconspicuous areas, before following him home after one particularly late night at the court. I skulked in the shadows, darted from alley to alley, as Bonizzone took the twisty path through the Tuscan streets back to his family’s manor…

At one point I lost him in a particularly empty quarter of the merchant’s sector. There were five paths before me in the square, and I didn’t know which one to take until, suddenly, a figure dropped down from an awning behind me. I reached for my dagger, but the figure kicked it out of my hand. It was the only time during my career as an assassin that I was sure I was going to die. Was I followed? Was I betrayed? I was seething with anxiety and anger.

“Octavia Maria…” said the figure. “I am not here to hurt you.”

I didn’t believe the words I heard. I turned around and stared into the eyes of the handsome face of Bonizzone Petruccio, member of the House of Habsburg and a high-level secretary of King Charles V’s court. I could have killed him right there while he thought my guard was down, but there was something enchanting about those steel-blue eyes. I couldn’t look away. “I have been keeping an eye on you, Octavia Maria,” Bonizzone said seductively, “and I believe your services could be very useful to me for a very long time. Whomever hired you to kill me, I’ll pay you eight times over to kill him instead.”

Bonizzone was not unkind to me. He became my chief employer. I took all of his contracts with nary an argument, becoming his private assassin, and fairly soon I was wealthy enough to afford paying back my many of my father’s debts and funding the farm where appropriate. Of course, that fateful night in the Tuscany merchant’s square Bonizzone bent my head to the side and turned me. I was left with two puncture marks on my neck, but those faded over time. What was permanent was the new blood-red iris of my right eye. I’m told it is unnoticeable in the dark, and it actually looks quite fetching when paired with the smoky gray iris of my left eye. Nonetheless, to maintain my inconspicuousness I now wear an eyepatch and claim that an illness required removal of my right eye.

Skills:
Assassinating
Smooth-Talking
Sneaking

Resources:
Dagger
Slingshot
Locket

Mark:
A permanent blood-red discoloration of the iris of my right eye

Mortals:
Octavius Caesonius, my father; a farmer

Claudius Marcus, my mentor; an assassin

Livius Lucanus, my eldest brother; mean-spirited and ignorant

Immortal:
Bonizzone Petruccio, high-level secretary in King Charles V’s court; handsome and cunning

Memory #1
I am Octavia Maria, first daughter of Octavius Caesonius, a farmer; born on a small farm outside of Tuscany in 1503; I am a 21-year-old female assassin.

Memory #2
My father gifts me with a slingshot for my ninth name day; I immediately kill two moles running around the potato patch from fifty yards away.

Memory #3
Claudius gifts me with a special silver dagger with a ruby on the hilt after I complete my assassin training.

Memory #4
Livius steals my locket and throws it up on the barn rafters; I spend hours trying to climb up to the ceiling and throwing stones at the rafter to knock it down.

Memory #5
Bonizzone hires me to be his private assassin shortly before biting my neck and turning me; the iris of my right eye turns a permanent blood-red color.


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Silk (Vol. 1), Issue #6

* Part 6 of 7 of the Life and Times of Cindy Moon storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Silk (Vol. 1), Issue #6! In the previous installment, Dragonclaw’s (Harris Porter) daughter (Marie Porter) gets kidnapped (abducted) by Black Cat (James Spader) and only Silk (Cindy Moon) can stop her! With the help of Spider-Man, of course (a butt).

Unfortunately, while Black Cat was getting owned, someone grabbed a nearly unconscious Silk from Black Cat’s lair and now she’s strapped to an operating table by Repairman, who declares that he works for the people who have Silk’s family!

So, the plot thickens, as they say. Let’s see what happens next! (nothing)

Silk (Vol. 1), Issue #6 [October, 2015]
Written by: Robbie Thompson

Silk (Vol. 1), Issue #6

You think a couple of chains and shackles can hold back Silk?? Nothing can hold back Silk! Not even gluten!

Flashback. Cindy is packing a suitcase. Her mother is worried. “I don’t trust this Ezekiel,” she says. “What if—what if he wants to experiment on you? Cut you open, see how… whatever this is works?”

Then she’ll be worse for wear! Shut up, mother.

“Honestly? Compared to what he’s offering… that sounds easier,” Cindy responds, really putting her mother at ease. What a nice, wholesome conversation. I’m glad things all worked out.

Flashforward to Silk secured to the operating table. Her fingers are blocked, so there is to be no webs today! But… she can wiggle… maybe… just maybe… she can wiggle… herself…

“I’m not going to be able to use any sedatives, so you may want to save your breath for screaming,” Repairman says with an air of jubilation in his voice.

Meanwhile, Spider-Man is looking for that lady he has a crush on. You know. Silk. He finds Black Cat among some rubble, and she asks Spider-Man where the FUCK Silk went.

Black Cat was double-crossed, see. Bamboozled, see. Hoodwinked, see. And now she has no idea where Silk went. She just knows that she’s alive… “…but not for long.”

Silk (Vol. 1), Issue #6

Don’t get silky with the guy looking close-up at your unmentionables.

Repairment examines Silk with a comically large magnifying glass. He knows about the spider bite, much to her amazement and confusion. “Keep him talking,” she thinks. “Distracted. And, y’know. Not cutting into me.”

She asks about her family. Repairman has no idea about them, but hoo boy does he know the people who took them. Very powerful people. Some of the most powerful people he’s ever known. Kobe Bryant pre-helicopter crash powerful. Deep pockets. “They’ve gone to such great lengths. Watched your ever move in that bunker. So, I knew anyone worth that much to them… would be worth a whole lot more on the black market.”

Silk gets nervous. People have been watching her for ten fucking years? Like, showering and pooping in the corner?

“Who the hell are they?” she asks.

“I have no idea,” he responds. “And I don’t care.” He presents a scalpel. Silk keeps wiggling. He’s about to poke her in the leg when, suddenly, there’s a CRACK. And the wiggling worked! She breaks free and sucker punches this douchebag right in the temple.

He’s irate now, son. He’s about to really let Silk have it, but Black Cat shows up and knocks Repairman unconscious with an unidentified flying object. Perhaps it was a bust of Danny DeVito. He goes “GUH!” and falls to the floor. Then Black Cat whips him. Then she throws a pie in his face. Then she nuzzles him. Then they all go out for pizza.

Then Black Cat throws him through a column the supports the ceiling! The roof starts crumbling! Gotta act fast! Gotta THOOM!

Silk (Vol. 1), Issue #6

THOOMing always works!

Silk fears that the roof has collapsed onto Repairman, killing him. I don’t know why she fears this. I would have wanted him dead. “YOU KILLED HIM!” she screams to Black Cat, fire in her eyes. Silk runs at her intending to tackle her and/or pull on her ears really hard.

“I didn’t kill him. The ceiling killed him,” Black Cat refutes. Then she roundhouse kicks Silk in the head, knocking her through a… third-story window. Black Cat grabs Silk’s hair, basically scalping her to keep her from plummeting to her death. “It doesn’t have to be like this. You could come work for me. People who work for me don’t wind up on operating tables. Or hanging for their lives by their hair.”

Silk is just mad as shit! Mad as balls! That Repairman knew about her family, and Black Cat comes in and just fucks that all up for her! Silk brandishes her claws (apparently) and slices through the chunk of hair that Black Cat is holding onto. Silk falls and THWIPs some webs onto Black Cat’s titties. She falls with her, and bangs around emergency exit ladders and other forms of scaffolding.

Silk (Vol. 1), Issue #6

I beat up old women for breakfast! Haha! What!

When Black Cat lands, Silk punches the everloving fuck out of her face. Yeah gurl. Black Cat finally topples to the street and lands on top of a parked car. Anyone else would’ve died, but this is a comic book! No one dies in comic books! Except Captain America, hopefully, one day.

In fact, Black Cat perks up right away and attempts to fight back… but then decides to call it a draw. Some real copout stuff here. “I’ll see you soon, Rookie. And think about my offer. Or next time, one of us doesn’t walk away.”

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What a badass. Silk sits back and takes the time to finally catch her breath. She barely gets to do even that when WHO SHOULD POP IN but Spider-Man. He, of course, asks if she’s ok. She’s not.

Silk removes her mask. “The jerk who took me… he knew something about where my parents are. She killed him. I’m never gonna find them, am I?”

Spider-Man makes a face (which is impressive, considering the mask) and is all like “YO, QUEEN, THAT AIN’T TRUE.”

“Cin… did you mean what you said? That I should have left you in the bunker?”

The rain has soaked her to the bone. She admits that, no, she didn’t mean that. It’s just that freedom is hard. So very, very hard. Harder than imprisonment, which sounds pretty sweet actually if it wasn’t for all the prison beatings and all the bread and water.

Cindy returns to her cozy little bunker. Remembering what Repairman said about the surveillance, she starts kicking around furniture and bashing open walls, eventually finding the camera. She then decides she has a lot of stress and anxiety, so she makes her way to the roof calls the number of the psychiatrist that smelly Reed Richards provided to her.

“I’ll get some help. Getting help is good. I mean, it’s not the end of the world, right?”

Behind her, the end of the world is happening. That giant red planet is crashing toward Manhattan.

Final Thoughts

Oh snap, Ms. Silk! Get back in that fucking bunker before your ass is grass!

We’re almost done. Grab life by the silk while you still can.


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