State of the Blog Address – July, 2024

State of the Blog

Donald Trump, 45th President of the United States, pictured here after getting struck by a bird while on a roller coaster.

Welcome, “friends”, to yet another State of the Blog Address! I’m your host, Tom Writesaboutstuff, and I’m here to cram a bunch of words into your eyeballs.

I’m going to do things a little different today, and by that I mean I’m going to bitch and moan unrelentingly. You see, longtime fans of my stupid website that no one knows about (especially you, who isn’t reading this at all), I’ve hit a bit of a slump. A flump. A spump. An ambivalence, if you will. On one hand, this website means a tremendous amount to me and I’d love nothing more than to keep it active. On the other hand, keeping it active feels like homework at the moment. I’m finding it difficult to get enthusiastic about keeping up with the content that I want to write about. For every movie, TV show, and book I consume, that’s another post to write. And while at one point this was very exciting to me, I’m finding myself sifting through a small backlog of posts that need to be finished.

You may not have noticed, loyal imaginary reader, because I still keep churning out the content on a near-daily basis. This is because I’ve literally done so much writing that I have finished article upon finished article upon finished article on the backburner. I’m talking nearly 100 finished articles just waiting to be dropped. This may sound insane to people who aren’t me, but I have this compulsion to drop only one article on any given day. Obviously, my frequent prolificity and my ability to write up to 3,000 words a day has caused me to be quite ahead over the last few years. It’s a nice buffer for times like this when I just don’t feel like I have it in me to write.

Where are my roadblocks? Allow me to go over it all in mind-numbing detail that only I could possibly care about. This is all a behind the scenes exclusive!

Movies

Working on this website got me back into watching movies, an activity I was never thrilled about in my adult life until I got ambitious and started cataloging my movie-watching via blogging. As of this writing, I’ve posted 50 movie articles and I currently have 35 on the backburner. That may not sound like much, but that’s more movies than I watched in the ’00s and ’10s combined, easily. Considering I started Flicked Off! in 2022, that’s fairly frequent for my own standards. That’s about a movie every 1.2 weeks.

My hang up here is twofold. First, I made the mistake of including a movie synopsis section, and while I try to make it somewhat humorous, those are an absolute chore to write. It’s always the last thing I do, and unless I’m in a unique mood, I tend to dread it. This is all supposed to be fun, and that is not very fun. Second, sometimes I just don’t have much to say about a movie. Take Say Anything, for example. I watched this movie for the first time in June, and you’ll most likely see it posted in about nine months to a year. I’ve watched two other movies since with full write-ups, and I don’t really know what to write about with respect to this LOVELY John Cusack and Ione Skye romantic romp. Sure, it’s good, it holds up really well, John Cusack isn’t at all creep even by 2024 standards, the two have wonderful chemistry, and the criminal father side plot is an interesting take on the understanding, trusting father on the surface who just wants his daughter to be happy. Other than that, I don’t know what else to say. And maybe in another mood I can could come up with a trillion things to yammer on about, like platonic female friendships or the shitty Peter Gabriel song blasting out of Cusack’s boombox. But right now my MUSE just isn’t there.

I still want to watch movies, though. It’s quite a conundrum.

TV

State of the Blog

Joe Biden pictured rubbing two dementia-addled brain cells together trying to figure out where he left his colostomy bag.

Through the Idiot Glass is easier for me because all I have to do is ramble incoherently about a full season of a TV show. I barely even have to talk about it! I just write stuff like “Tony Soprano is a dummy” or “The Smoke Monster is sexy” and coast for the rest of the post! No complaints here.

I’m making some progress on the Fantasy/Sci-Fi Diaries, having about eight episodes of X-Files on the backburner. I also started watching Star Trek: The Next Generation, so expect to see those episodes pop up soon! Buffy has taken a backseat for now since Season 1 is so atrocious and hard to get through. Expect features for Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Star Trek: Voyager, Star Trek: Enterprise, Angel, Farscape, Babylon 5, Stargate SG-1, Stargate: Atlantis, and Supernatural once I learn how to stop time at my will and/or learn to sleep for only 15 minutes per day.

Another TV idea I have: Suffering through every episode of Zombie Simpsons (Seasons 9 – present). I don’t have time for this until my kids leave for college.

Comics

Comic books are not a problem at all right now, especially since I write them as I read them. It makes it super easy and fun to boot! I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of reading comic books in this fashion.

Other features like Stripcreatin’, Cruisin’ Thru Calvin & Hobbes, and Manga Cum Loudly are tougher to get motivated to work on. It doesn’t help that I absolutely hate manga and, even though I love to hate-write about it, it’s not enough for me to dedicate an hour during my busy days anymore. Hopefully I can free up some time somewhere along the line for these features, because they are fun to write when I’m in the right mood.

Music

Ha! Dead in the fucking water. Considering that this blog was originally going to be called “Tom Writes About Music”, and considering that I have an earbud blasting tunes in my brain for literally 14 hours a day, it’s amazing to me that I don’t care enough to write about any of it right now. The biggest blow is Newer Release Roundup, a feature I put a lot of time into during the beginning that is now a desolate wasteland. I’m just not listening to much new music these days. Am I finally getting old? Fuck.

In an attempt to repent for my sins, I’m revamping Metallurgical Evaluation and AudioBiography. The former will allow me to write about metal in a relatively low-pressure environment, and the latter will allow me to write about everything else in a relatively low-pressure environment. I really hope I can put some work into these two features sooner rather than later.

Other than that? Pfffft.

Other Stuff

State of the Blog

John Adams pictured in 1790 before roller coasters and colostomy bags existed, unfortunately.

Stand-Up Deep Dive is my second-newest feature and it has really bolstered my motivation to write like none other! Here’s what I do: I take an hour-long walk while listening to CARLOS MENCIA jibber-jabber in my ears and I take extensive notes. So I’m laughing uproariously in public and I’m staying healthy to boot! When I can’t get something on audio, I’ll watch the special on my favorite streaming service. It’s a slam dunk idea, and I need more new ideas like this to keep my ass writing.

Playing with Myself will be my attempt at tackling some solo RPG journaling games. Ironsworn, Starforged, Thousand Year Old Vampire, and 23,000 others! Seriously, there are a lot of solo RPGs out there. Eventually I’ll try a solo campaign of Dungeons & Dragons, but first I’ll need to punch my balls sixty times in preparation.

Dear Journal is miserably barren lately. I wish I could write more about random shit, but I’m simply not getting the inspiration to plop down 1,000 words about paper clips or Estonian elections. I would love to write in Dear Journal constantly, but it’s just not happening right now.

My Earthbound playthrough project started last November and stopped around January. I’ve written up eight chapters that are ready to post, but I want to get more progress under my belt before I start dropping them on you, the unsuspecting public! This is really fun to do, but I just simply don’t have time to really put the effort into it.

Here’s What Would Be Fucking Awesome

My biggest influence with respect to online satire is Something Awful, so I’ve spent a better part of the last 24 years of my life trying to emulate their front page in my own way. Making money off this site would be great, but it ain’t happening. So, ideally, I would just need to get rich enough to stay home and write for no profit while my wife spends all her weekdays toiling in the salt mines.

OR, barring that, some A.I. robots need to hire me to post two articles per day, every day. I’d pump this bitch so full of content that it would be overflowing like Mount Saint Helens, killing everyone in its pyroclastic path. And I’d have plenty of time to do everything I want to do and then some.

A man can dream. And by “man” I mean me, which is weird because I’ve never felt like a man in my life.

Thanks for reading! Until next time, keep watching the skies!


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Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #576 – “Chapter Two: Deal With the Devil”

* Part 2 of 4 of the Batman: Year Two storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #576 – “Chapter Two: Deal with the Devil”! In the previous installment, there’s a new vigilante in town and he’s actually an old vigilante! He fancies himself as “The Reaper” and he’s actually some old fart named Mr. Caspian and he can kick Batman’s ass just by flicking his little stubby penis.

Bruce Wayne is like “hurr de durr I can’t beat him” so he grabs his gun. lmao

I can’t wait to see where this is headed.

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #576 [July, 1987]
Written by: Mike W. Barr
“Chapter Two: Deal With the Devil”

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #576

See, look at that cover. Batman’s just going to start shooting things now, I guess, while The Reaper scythes off his underwear.

The police have set up a tactical team organized to escort Big Willie Golonka to prison before the media circus becomes, well, a circus! Well, there’s someone on the roof who wants to take out Golonka before he even has a chance to join a prison gang. This motherfucker in a green suit and a green hat is sniping people from the rooftop. The tactical team’s bullets fly right through him! What the fuck is going on?! Why and how?!

Long story short, while the tactical team paws around the ground looking for their testicles, Reaper Man sneaks up to Golonka and blasts him right through the chest WITH CUM! Didn’t see that one coming, did you?

The team tries to subdue The Reaper, but The Reaper is just too smart and cunning and invincible for that. He flees. He flees just in time for Commissioner Gordon to show up to get some details on this catastrophic failure. “Two dead, four wounded, one of those critical!” yelps that tactical team leader. “He’s been taken on ahead. They found the armored car – deserted of course. Run it through the lab, just in case.”

Good idea, sir. Run the whole car through the lab. Like it were a car wash.

Oh snap, the guy in critical condition is dead now. Commissioner Gordon will call his family and tell them the news (“WUBBA LUBBA DUB DUB, GUESS WHO KICKED THE BUCKET?!”). The mayor is calling, by the way, and he wants to know when Gordon is going to show up for the pancake breakfast the next morning. Gordon wants the mayor to shove his phone up his butt.

Meanwhile, Bruce Wayne is doing some target practice in his cave while Alfred watches with stoic glee. “I wasn’t aware you’d been keeping up on your marksmanship,” he says after Bruce hits his target roughly 47 times in a row.

Bruce ascends the staircase in his robe and slippies and greets Dr. Leslie Thompkins with a hearty “Good morning”. Leslie is not having a good morning. She barely slept knowing Bruce was down there with his, his, his, his gun!

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #576

I’ve got a gun in my pocket and I’m happy to see ya! Does that help?

Leslie asks her smiling chum what his father might think of him toting that gun around. Bruce then frowns. We’re really seeing the full gamut of emotion here.

In the end, whatever! Bruce plans on prowling the streets tonight, as does The Reaper. He hangs up his costume for the morning and greets his lovely nun daughter Rachel. Then he’s all like “your mother would be proud but too bad she’s DEAD” and then we get a flashback of some dickhead shooting her on the street while the whole family returns from the circus. Sound familiar?

Judson Caspian (JUDSON??) sat in a wheelchair during the funeral because a bullet clipped his balls or something. He grips the arm of the wheelchair angrily as the priest reads off some scripture bullshit. I’d be mad too if some priest was talking!

Snapping out of his stupor, Judson reminds his daughter that everything he does, he does for her. Then he walks off, never to be seen again! At least until a few pages from now or so.

I forgot to mention that Leslie wanted to cancel a lunch date with Rachel, and Bruce said he’d take care of letting her know. Well, this is how he lets her know: by ambushing her while she waits for Leslie. Bruce is all smiles! Leslie asked him to come in her place! Isn’t that what we all want?!

(no)

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #576

Mostly, though, I just want to cheer up grumpy old ice cream men.

The two enjoy dinner and talk mostly about Bruce because he’s so damn interesting and charming. Puke. What’s particularly interesting, actually, is his contributions to Leslie’s organizations. The foundation in his father’s name. It all smacks of loneliness. Lonely like her weird father. “He lost the only joy in his life when my mother died… he became distant, withdrawn. I’d hate it if that happened to you.”

So then they kiss in the park. Bruce, you sly dog.

Later, Batman sneaks up on Jim Gordon while he’s in his office. Boogity boogity! Did I scare ya? Good.

Gordon was just about to call him about The Reaper. Batman is working on a plan, and it involves a complicated Rube Goldberg device where a pie flies in his face. And he’s going to work alone. No police involvement, y’hear? If there’s a leak, Batman will find out and he will fuck your butt so hard that you’ll be puking cum. Dig?

While Batman is out doing his thing, Gordon assembles a team to take out Johnny Heymer the Metropolis Mob Boss Extraordinaire. However, shit hits the fan when the ground crew approaches the airplane before the passengers disembark. That wasn’t part of the plan! Whuzzat?? OH SHIT THE REAPER JUST SHOWED UP TO KILL JOHNNY HEYMER BUT THEN BATMAN SHOWS UP TO FIGHT THE REAPER! BAHABRHABRHAB!!

So they fight with sharp objects and smoke bombs and Jack-in-the-Boxes with giant punching gloves in them. All the while, The Reaper tries to get at Heymer to give him the ol’ scythey-scythey. Batman attempts to distract The Reaper long enough to get Heymer to safety, but it’s tough. For one thing, The Reaper isn’t getting very distracted. Also, Batman sucks.

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #576

Come on, loser. Beat up the old man. Start mocking his dead wife!

The Reaper gets his scythe stuck in a wall. This is his downfall. The police show up to arrest him, but The Reaper starts using his secret gun shoulder attachment and then flees off into the night.

There’s one thing off about all this, though…

“What’s what with the Batman?” asks a member of Gordon’s team. I thought he was on our side!”

“So did I, McGinley,” Gordon says, puffing on his fat pipe. “Looks like we were both wrong.”

The High Council of Mob Bosses are meeting at some dingy dive near the pier. Sales are down, gentlemen. Our prostitutes don’t want to go out. Our drug merchants are afraid to deal. The Reaper is wreaking havoc on our legitimate businesses! A man named Morgan Jones knows what to do about this. He blows dainty smoke rings as he suggests putting a hit out on this guy. Badabing badaboom! Fuggeddaboutit.

Batman suddenly throws Heymer from the roof to the table they’re all sitting at. “Your attention please… I’m here to call a truce. I want The Reaper as much as you do… but for my own reasons.”

Yeah. Bruised ego.

So Batman suggests working together to achieve the same goal. Instead of all the infighting, let’s join hands in harmony and peace. The Mob Boss leader begrudingly approves.

…but there’s someone there that Batman already knows…

…a vicious, ruthless killer…

…Joe Chill…

…?…

…the guy who shot Batman’s parents 25 years ago…

…and Batman’s all like “gronk”.

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #576

gronk

Final Thoughts

“gronk” is basically all I have to say, too. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.


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Invincible, Issue #6

* Part 2 of 4 of the Eight of Enough storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Invincible, Issue #6! In the previous installment, Invincible fights a space cyclops who was just doing his job as a “champion evaluation officer”. He travels to planets and makes sure their defenders – champions – are up to the task. Earth isn’t on the list, unfortunately. The space cyclops was making a mistake for 15 years.

All in all, Mark stopped the space cyclops and impressed his dad. Dad was so impressed, in fact, that he’s a little bitter about it! So we’ll see some tension there, I’m sure.

Mark also stuck his penis in an electrical socket, but I won’t speak on that.

Invincible, Issue #6 [October, 2003]
Written by: Robert Kirkman

Invincible, Issue #6Mark and Dad are playing catch in the sky. Their backs are against each other, so the ball is actually orbiting the whole Earth with each throw! Knocking out airplanes in the process, too. Downing Malaysian planes, never to be seen again.

Dad talks about how he got suckered into getting pulled through a portal in the previous storyline. It amounts to this: “they” put a chip in his head which made him more vulnerable! Whoops! Thanks for sewing up a plot thread, sir.

But here’s what Dad really wants to talk about: Mark yelled “DAD!” as he was being pulled through the portal. This is some bad news, since they now know that you, Mark, are the Son of a Dad. It’s all over the news now in a few countries. No footage, just eyewitness accounts from hillbillies and toothless old farmers. Still, Mark may encounter some villains soon that will use him to get at Dad. Best be on your guard at all times.

Mark is waiting for his friend William so they can meet at Upstate University for an appointment (janitor job interview for the most pukey of residence halls).

Mark disrobes just as William knocks on his front door. William is wearing a shirt that says “Take it Brandon” which is the most anti-Joe Biden t-shirt on the market today. Time for these two lovebirds to take a trip to Upstate University, which is located downstate somewhere.

Invincible, Issue #6

Mustache rides are $15 dollars today, baby.

Now that Mark is gone for the day, Mom and Dad are gonna spend their afternoon fuckin’. Meanwhile, Mark’s superhero team are having a meeting without him atop a suspension bridge tower. Robot called the meeting to discuss his invitation to audition for the Guardians of the Globe, the most prestigious of superhero committees! Robot has been fighting crime for four years now with these loser teenagers and, although they’re dang good at it, maybe, it’s time to move on to “bigger” and “better” things.

“Oh Robot – that’s great!” says Atom Eve.

“Yeah man… well done!” says Rex Splode.

Robot continues talking about how great he is and how he will definitely get in. However, the Teen Team will now be disbanded! Robot cannot oversee two teams at once! Get the fuck out!

Robot’s team take turns giving the rusty pile of bolts a hug. I’m sure everything will be allllll right!

Elsewhere, in some fancy-pants mansion, a guy’s butler hands him an old-timey rotary phone on a silver platter. Over the phone to an unknown confidant, this guy rants about how he has been dropped from the Guardians of the Globe after losing his powers – his ability to eat ice cream without farting and shitting all over the place. “I need this suit…” he says, presumably talking about a super-suit with which he can be super again. “I’ve got to get back in the game… I’ve got to take back my life.”

But he has to wait two days, and that’s just plumb unacceptable! But he has to wait anyway. Like a dog.

Invincible, Issue #6

Take it from me, bud. Most of them are packin’ mace.

Mark and William arrive at the college, and they have ten minutes to get to a place and they don’t even know what place it’s supposed to be, let alone where it even is. William thinks it’s the admissions office, so they weave their way through sultry college girls in order to get there.

The two are meeting up with a Mrs. Thatcher, a big ol’ Margaret if I ever knew one. Thatcher’s assistant is a sneery, pouty kid who looks like he needs a face full of fist for breakfast. He asks if William prefers to go by Bill, and William says no, and then the kid gets all sneery and pouty about it. Like he needs a kick to the nards for lunch. William spends the next page whining about correcting people in this manner, which doesn’t seem at all relevant or important to anything going on. Not enough to devote a whole dadgum page to it, for criminy’s sake.

Back at Mark’s home, his parents just got done with a rousing session of unlubricated anal sex. They celebrate by doing more sex. Mom makes a thinly veiled premature ejaculation joke. We all laugh at Dad’s expense.

Now the boys are meeting up with Rick Sheridan, a jocky kid who will be showing them some of the residence halls! Drunk guys passed out in the hallways, extremely anti-Semitic epithets spraypainted on the walls, and RAs with backwards hats.

The day is over. Mark and William discuss their impressions with the place. Mark already decided to come to Upstate University anyway, but it’s pretty cool besides. William says “it’ll keep me off the street”, which is fairly good display of brimming self-esteem.

Mark and William hang out on a bench for a bit until a motherfucking skull robot blasts through the wall behind them.

Invincible, Issue #6

STOP, DROP, AND ROLL, BITCH! DO YOU HAVE EARS? THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

A security officer tries to meekly stop the skull robot, but he gets pushed out of the way. INVINCIBLE SHOWS UP OUT OF NOWHERE to be all like “hold it right there!” The robot grabs his neck and launches him in the sky. Well, I’ll tell you something, that there just pissed Invincible right off!

…but, once the throng of people gets out of the menace’s way, he just speeds away. Invincible supposes that he just needed to get through everyone to go somewhere. Anyway, crisis averted! Invincible goes away, and then Mark comes back to tell William that he was looking for someone to help. Nice try, bucko.

“Dude… why did you tell me you had superpowers?” William asks. Cat’s out of the bag now, fucker.

It’s evening now. Dad’s in the middle of fucking Mom when he hears the car door shut in the driveway. They get their clothes on and pretend to watch TV when Mark enters the house, but he’s wise to the deception. Mom’s shirt is on backwards. Now he knows they’ve been fucking for hours. “I’ll be upstairs until I move out,” Mark says.

Dad gets a call from his costume tailor, so he AS OMNI-MAN pays a visit with his son Mark AS INVINCIBLE in tow. The guy on the phone from earlier, the one that was like “waaaah, muh powers”? The tailor has been trying to make a suit that would restore his (Black Samson) powers. Well, the suit is gone. The suit is gone and now he’s going to get fired from his Guardians of the Globe contract! What’s a lowly tailor supposed to do now, huh?

Invincible, Issue #6

You can always plummet off of a bridge, my good man.

The tailor’s store isn’t common knowledge, he doesn’t deal with supervillains, and he was knocked out cold before he could see who it was. Chalk this one up to a total fucking failure on his part. It was probably Black Samson, though, since that guy was a sweaty mess over the phone at the thought of having to wait two days for his suit. I’m looking forward to Black Samson’s redemption arc in about 56 issues.

Finally, Atom Eve returns at night to the suspension bridge tower, the Teen Team’s secret meeting place, apparently. It’s quiet. Dark. She sees something she doesn’t like. She says “no” a lot. She cries. The comic is over.

Final Thoughts

Atom Eve saw the video of that obese shirtless guy eating the giant chocolate bunny in one sitting. Whoops! Scarred for life!


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Silk (Vol. 1), Issue #5

* Part 5 of 7 of the Life and Times of Cindy Moon storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Silk (Vol. 1), Issue #5! In the previous installment, the Fantastic Four save the day! And by that I mean Reed Richards tells Cindy that she may have anxiety, and she gets anxious about it. She goes on a date with the Human Torch and has a good time. Black Cat is gonna go after Silk. And I’m going to refill by bowl of Cap’n Crunch. Everyone’s a winner today!

Silk (Vol. 1), Issue #5 [August, 2015]
Written by: Robbie Thompson

Silk (Vol. 1), Issue #5

Harris Porter’s daughter plays with dolls while her babysitter is in the other room. Her name is “Mrs. Bump”, as in, bumped her head on the way down after being assaulted or killed in some way! “You takin’ a nap?” Daughter Porter asks the woman’s lifeless body as she pokes around the living room. Then she turns around and smiles at the assailant in the room. “Hello. Are you a kitty cat?”

Meanwhile, Cindy is at work during a slow news day. Ample time to snoop around the internet looking up traces of her missing family. “And even though I keep coming up empty…” she thinks. “…I have to keep trying.”

Flashback to Cindy and her brother Albert talking in one of their bedrooms.

“Cindy? I’m scared…”

“I know, Albert. I don’t know what’s happening. And it scares me, too. But mom thinks we can–”

“I’m scared of you,” Albert says, tears in his eyes. Cindy tries to reach out in a VERY CONSOLING MATTER, but he shrieks at her to not touch him. Just stay away! And don’t touch his stuff either, he doesn’t want to scrape web spooge off of his Nintendo Switch!

J. Jonah Jameson, aka Newspaper Hitler, snoops around Cindy’s computer and tells her to stop her Facebookin’. Then he realizes that he’s looking at records! Not just any records! Police records!

Cindy decides to tell the truth. “That’s… that’s my family. They’re missing.”

Jameson perks up!

Silk (Vol. 1), Issue #5

I know that you look like dogshit and you smell like a container of tongue depressors.

So Cindy spills the beans on everything that she has found out so far. I mean, besides that they ran away after she was bitten by a radioactive spider. Or that she was in a bunker for ten years. Or that she cavorts around in pajamas fighting crime. Other than that, everything.

Jameson is surprisingly empathetic. He even offers to help her using his NYPD connections! “It’s okay to get help, Cindy,” he says before telling her to get back to work. Next up! Some dude named Harris Porter’s babysitter got knocked out. Daughter missing. Let’s put this on the Fact Channel right away, this sounds like a fact to me!

Cindy recognizes the name, of course, and sets out to do her Silky thing. Thinking that Harris is still up to no dang good, she scopes out his apartment building. Police cars are out front, and… wait a minute… Silk-Sense… tingling… whuzzat! An armed man in the alley! No shit! Let’s go say hi!

And it’s a coked-up looking Harris Porter wearing his dragon costume. “This is all your fault,” he froths.

“My fault? Pretty sure I didn’t kidnap your daughter.”

“There was a note. All they want is you.”

“Who wants me?”

“Black Cat.”

So it’s a ransom, then, is it? I’ll show her ransom! I’ll–

Silk needs to retrieve the Porter Kid from Black Cat personally, or else she’ll take a big dump in an envelope and mail it to you. And she’ll do this every single day.

Silk (Vol. 1), Issue #5

She’s not all you have! What about your collection of toast with Jesus’ face on them?

Cindy Silky Moon is on the case! No poop in the mail for her! “I’m not afraid,” she thinks. “I’m angry.”

Dragonclaw and Silk scope out the roof of Black Cat’s place and are certain they are walking into a trap. Luckily, our intrepid Spider-Man has been called to do all the heavy lifting! He prances around the roof a bit and tells Silk that he needs to talk to her for a hot minute.

“What is he doing here?” Spider-Man asks, eyeballing Dragonclaw.

“It’s his daughter that’s in trouble.”

So, yes, Dragonclaw “The Bad Guy” Magoo is involved, like it or not. And since it’s Spider-Man’s fault that Black Cat is bad now [Editor’s Note: See The Most Big, Beautiful, Amazing Spider-Man, Issue #401,339], he’ll help her help him help everyone!

As they chat, Dragonclaw takes it upon himself to crash through the roof and start taking down some motherfuckers. There are plenty of henchmen for these three to start beating up. Meanwhile, little Marie Porter is tied to a chair in a dark room. The girl is starstruck as Silk busts into the room and unties her. “That kitty cat is a butt,” Marie says. “You said it,” Silk responds.

Reunited at last, and it only took seventeen seconds! Harris and Marie share a hug… until…

…

Black Cat enters the room. Eek! “Sorry we’re late,” she says all sly and villainous. Silk orders her companions to leave, so now she’s all alone with Black Cat and about four other burly dudes wearing armored suits.

“What the hell is your problem?” Silk asks.

“You cost me money,” Black Cat answers. Oh, well, ok, so kidnap a child about it. Real mature.

Silk (Vol. 1), Issue #5

You’re P-List at best, newbie.

Fight time! Black Cat’s henchmen fire soundwaves from their palms, rendering Silk incapacitated. I guess spidery-types are prone to sound sickness? “I hope you had your fun while it lasted, kid,” Black Cat sneers. “’Cause your time is–”

Then Black Cat gets blasted through the brick wall and out to the street. She doesn’t die. Even Shaq would be dead.

And then her henchmen’s suits start “ticking”. Then KABOOM. Shit blows up in the building. Black Cat’s out on the street going “Grrrr, you win again!” And that’s that.

Later, Silk wakes up strapped to an operating table. “Am I dead?” she thinks, slowly opening her eyes. “No. Not yet, anyway. What the crap happened?” All she remembers is that she was hurt by sound and then someone grabbed her and now she’s in some dude’s basement.

It’s Repairman. He who made Dragonclaw’s fancy Dragonsuit.

“You work for Black Cat…” Silk mutters.

“Oh, I don’t work for Black Cat… Cindy.” Repairman smiles very wryly. A little too wryly if you ask me. “I work for the people who have your family.”

Oh snap.

Final Thoughts

Cindy’s family sucked anyway. Good riddance. Find a new family.


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The Breakfast Club (1985)

Tagline:
They only met once, but it changed their lives forever.

Wide Release Date:
February 15, 1985

Directed by:
John Hughes
Written by:
John Hughes
Produced by:
Ned Tanen, John Hughes

Starring:
Emilio Estevez
Anthony Michael Hall
Judd Nelson
Molly Ringwald
Ally Sheedy
Paul Gleason

The Breakfast Club

PREGAME THOUGHTS

I loved this movie when I was a teenager! But I’ll save a lot of that commentary for the discussion section. I don’t think I’ve watched The Breakfast Club since high school, so I’m looking forward to seeing it through the eyes of an adult. I hear I’ll empathize with Vice Principal Vernon now. I hope not, that guy was a total dick.

THE 400(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

Welcome to detention. I am your host, Vice Principal Richard “Dick” Vernon (Paul Gleason). Let’s see who we have here… ah, looks like that delinquent asshole John Bender (Judd Nelson) is back for more! We also have the snotty rich girl Claire (Molly Ringwald), the arrogant jock Andrew (Emilio Estevez), the complete fucking nerd Brian (Anthony Michael Hall), and the weirdo Invader Zim fan Allison (Ally Sheedy). You guys have eight hours to sit there in the library and do nothing. Try not to make friends along the way or I’ll be watching you.

The Breakfast Club

And no funny business, spaz.

Detention begins and Bender is a jerk already, being mean to everyone else like he has something to prove. This goes on for quite a bit of minutes. Eventually, Bender removes a screw to the library door which keeps it closed and them away from Vernon’s office viewpoint. The group sneaks off to grab marijuana from Bender’s locker while Vernon ambles around the school bored out of his mind since there’s no Internet in 1985. When the kids are blocked off by a hallway gate with no way back without getting caught, Bender decides to take one for the team and distract Vernon toward the gym. Bender’s punishment is to get locked in a closet. Eventually, Bender busts out through the ceiling tiles and makes his way back to the library.

At this point the true bonding begins! They eat lunch and smoke a little weed and start talking to each other with some modicum of respect for one another. Claire is in detention for ditching school to go shopping, and she faces intense peer pressure to stay popular in school. Bender is in detention for pulling a fire alarm, and he describes the broken home he comes from. Andrew put a bunch of duct tape on some kid’s hairy butt, and he faces intense pressure from his father to do well in sports. Brian is in detention for bringing a flare gun to school with the intention of committing suicide, and he faces intense pressure to succeed academically. Allison is in detention because she has nothing better to do on a Saturday, preferring to spend time away from home where she is ignored and neglected.

A tear-filled talk session occurs where the consensus is that they’ll all pretend to not know each other again come Monday, and they’ll all return to their cliques (or lack thereof). In the end, Bender and Claire kiss, Andrew and Allison kiss (after she gets a makeover), and Brian is stuck writing everyone’s essay and not getting a girl.

The movie ends with Judd Nelson’s iconic fist pump.

The Breakfast Club

YEAH ARSENIO! WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — General Movie Thoughts

I have a lot to say about The Breakfast Club! Earlier I mentioned empathizing with Vice Principal Vernon as an adult? I found it difficult to since he was an inappropriate jerk to the kids (especially Bender), even when he spilled his guts to Carl about his fear of being replaced by the next generation. The only I thing I felt bad for was that Vernon had no access to computers or the Internet to kill the time during his detention oversight. This is his every single Saturday. Bring a book or something, for Christ’s sake.

The Breakfast Club

Real classy, sir.

I was in high school between 2001-2005 in a semi-affluent and reasonably racially diverse Detroit suburb. As far as I experienced, there weren’t any real cliques to speak of. No one was castigated for stepping outside of their alleged station, whatever that meant for my school. I was in band and orchestra and it was full of stoners and assholes and jocks and nerds alike. I couldn’t relate with the school caste system aspect of the movie, which was ultimately the most important part with the lesson being that we’re all human beings struggling the same issues. And whether or not your own high school had a social hierarchy, THAT lesson was what anyone and everyone could relate with.

The Breakfast Club holds up well for a nearly 40-year-old movie about high school. The clothing and hairstyles aren’t even really dated, which was surprising. Some of the language and slang, however, was (“Eat my shorts”, “If I lose my temper, you’re totaled man”). And probably the worst line in the whole movie is Estevez’s “Two hits. Me hitting you. You hitting the floor.”

I found the big emotional scene with the five of them sitting in a circle on the corny side, particularly Anthony Michael Hall’s performance. All crying and shit. Lighten up. I always believe scenes like these are undermined by the movie format. One hour is not nearly enough time for the audience to believe that these kids formed a realistic bond over the course of their day, especially since the characters were on the hostile side to each other for so much of the movie’s runtime. Mostly Bender’s fault of course, but the others had their moments. On the other hand, try to find a away to expand The Breakfast Club into an eight-hour miniseries, with each episode representing an hour of detention, and maybe you’ll find believable bonding and character growth. What a boring show that would be, though. Hmmm.

The Breakfast Club

You can feel the love just radiating out of the movie screen, can’t you?

Then the ending, of course. Bender spends an entire Saturday berating, bullying, degrading, and treating Claire like complete dogshit and she wants to kiss him in the end? What the fuck is that? All of Brian’s new “friends” make him write the paper for them? Yeah, buddy, you sure got the respect you deserve there. And then there’s Ally Sheedy’s makeover…

TOPIC 2 — Ally Sheedy’s Makeover

My teenage crush on Ally Sheedy’s character extended to exactly one second before the makeover reveal and not a single second after. Almost the whole internet agrees with me on this point, so it’s not an unpopular out-of-the-blue contrarian statement. Here’s my take on the makeover controversy.

I’m with the consensus that it was bad! Let me begin by pointing out that there was nothing in the entire movie that hinted at any attraction or sexual tension between Estevez and Sheedy. Not until the moment she walked into the library all dolled up did he even blink in her direction. Not until the moment he blinked in her direction did Sheedy even seem to care whether or not Estevez knew she was alive. It’s really dumb.

I have nothing new to say about this that hasn’t already been said ad nauseam by the internet’s other neckbeards, but the whole message of the movie is that we’re all human beings going through similar struggles even if we appear to fall into separate categories on the outside. If it’s the inside that matters, then why does Sheedy need to change her outward appearance in order for a fucking man to find her appealing?

I’ll you why. Because it was 1985 and the ’80s sucked. Ally Sheedy looked way better before. The movie should’ve ended with her kicking Estevez in the dick and walking away, fist pumped in the air.

The Breakfast Club

Don’t try to change me, baby.

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

The scene in which all characters sit in a circle on the floor in the library and tell stories about why they were in detention was not scripted. Writer and director John Hughes told them all to ad-lib.
Only in 1985 does a story about bringing a gun to school result in a single Saturday detention. Pull that shit in 2024 America? Son, your ass will get lit up. By the gun you brought. By a good guy with your gun. And don’t you forget it god bless and amen.

Judd Nelson (John Bender) stayed in character off-camera, even bullying Molly Ringwald. John Hughes nearly fired him over this, but Paul Gleason (Richard Vernon) defended Nelson, saying that he was a good actor, and he was trying to get into character.
Maybe she deserved it! I don’t know! Believe all men!

Bender’s flinch when Vernon fakes a punch was genuine. Judd Nelson really thought Paul Gleason was going to hit him.
So what if he did? Would that have really been so bad? Well, you know what, Judd Nelson has the last laugh because Paul Gleason is fuckin’ dead!

The dandruff that Allison (Ally Sheedy) shakes onto her penciled drawing for snow, was achieved by sprinkling Parmesan cheese.
Delicious! In a deleted scene, Ally Sheedy shakes her hair again and spaghetti falls out of it.

Anthony Michael Hall (Brian Johnson) hit a growth spurt during production. According to Judd Nelson (John Bender), Hall was shorter than him at the start of production, but at the end of it, he was taller than him.
Man, detention was longer than I thought.

The Breakfast Club

Oh Emilio, you smell wonderful…

The switchblade used in the movie actually belonged to Judd Nelson (John Bender). He explained that he had it for protection purposes.
The ’80s were definitely a different time. You never know when a group of nine-year-olds are going to accost you for your 1984 Walkman with the Footloose soundtrack on cassette tape.

Judd Nelson (Bender) went to a laundromat in character. The looks he was giving to women there have caused a paranoid bystander to dial 911 on Nelson to have him reported to the police.
Oh, I get it! Judd Nelson is an asshole! Fantastic. No wonder John Hughes cut him loose and he had to play a sheriff in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

Definitely, although some parts are problematic by today’s standards. There’s a reason why this was voted one of the best high school movies of all time, and it was groundbreaking back in 1985 when teen movies were all boobs and butts and then more boobs. There are no boobs in this movie at all and people still love it! Take that for what it’s worth.


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