Opeth

BACKGROUND

Opeth is a death metal / progressive metal / progressive rock band formed in Stockholm in 1990 by David Isberg, who left the band before they even put out an album. Mikael Åkerfeldt is the lead vocalist, and since there has been a constant rotating chair of Opeth members, he’s really the only one you need to know. He looks kind of like Chad Kroeger of Nickelback, which leans toward a compliment.

Opeth

Figure 1: Nickelback Jr.

SAMPLE IDENTIFICATION

Studio Album #5 – Blackwater Park (2001)
Studio Album #7 – Damnation (2003)

METALLURGICAL EVALUATION

Blackwater Park (2001)
Opeth - Blackwater Park
Ask any hardcore Opeth fan what their favorite album is, and the highest percentage will likely go to Blackwater Park with Still Life and Damnation vying for second place. While their third album, My Arms, Your Hearse, represents the transition point between the early sophomoric rawness and the later refined sophistication. Blackwater Park, as far as I’m concerned, is the peak of this refined sophistication. This is the quintessential Opeth album.

At 67 minutes, this is quite a hefty record to digest. There are so many damn moods flowing through this thing that it seems impossible to be so cohesive. Aggression turns to melancholy turns to acoustic beauty turns to proggy breakdowns, and it all fits snugly like a WELL-OILED JIGSAW PUZZLE, to mix my metaphors in an inadequate manner! The transitions are seamless. The overall color of the album maintains a dingy gray throughout, bringing to mind a dreary, rainy day. No, scratch that. A dreary, rainy existence. Death metal is presented as a complete subversion, eschewing speedy riffs in favor of intricate, mid-tempo virtuosity.

With an album like Blackwater Park, you can tell that Åkerfeldt is a perfectionist. He labored over this thing, making sure that not a moment was wasted. Every pluck of the guitar in the short instrumental “Patterns in the Ivy”, and every phrase repetition at the end of the title track, and every atmospheric passage of “Dirge for November”, and everything else, it’s all crafted with care. That’s why Blackwater can be considered one of the very best progressive metal albums of all time. And that’s why you should listen to it, especially if you’re a huge Taylor Swift fan. This album will put hair on your chest!

Damnation (2003)
Opeth - Damnation
Damnation was my introduction to Opeth, and arguably the single best introduction to Opeth if you’re not coming into the band as a well-seasoned fan of harsh vocals. Damnation has none of that. Track after track of clean vocals — the only album to do so until the band’s prog rock overhaul that started with Heritage — makes this the next logical step after you’ve exhausted the Porcupine Tree discography. Most people would agree that this album is very similar in tone to any of the best Porcupine Tree albums… especially since Steven Wilson was heavily, heavily involved in its production. And he even plays keyboards and provides backing vocals on most of the tracks.

What makes Damnation stand out from nearly every other prog rock album is the moodiness. Not even early King Crimson captures the sense of desolate, pensive sadness that Opeth produces here so effortlessly with folksy, clean guitars and Mellotron. The melancholy “Windowpane” opens the album splendidly with seven minutes of depressive rock — rain rolling down your window pane, complete with a couple of somber guitar solos.

While this was a fantastic transition point to heavy music in the prog-sphere, I don’t spin Damnation all too often anymore. Its slow, clean guitar-focused Pink Floyd psychedelic-adjacent rock music gets a little boring once you’ve dabbled into more extreme metal flavors. In short, I’ve burned myself out on it while simultaneously unable to recall specific melodies. It may have gotten a 10/10 from me in college, but I’ve moved on.


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Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #19 – “Last Days (Part 4)”

* Part 4 of 4 of the Last Days storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #19 – “Last Days (Part 4)”! In the previous installment, Ms. Marvel saves her brother from Kamran and the Mist. He has super-powers now, like psychic force field super-powers. They’re temporary, though, because of plot holes.

Captain Marvel leaves and Ms. Marvel returns to the school as Kamala to check out how things are going. Long story short, everyone is going to die from planet-blunt-force-trauma and there’s nothing that can be done.

Kamala also tells her mother that she is Ms. Marvel. Her mother already knows, which widens Kamala’s eyes like dinner plates.

This is not only the final issue of the storyline, but it’s the final issue of the series! It’s been a good run, and I’ll read more Ms. Marvel in the near future. I assure you! Be assured, goddamnit!

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #19 [December, 2015]
Written by: G. Willow Wilson
“Last Days (Part 4)”

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #19

Ms. Marvel doesn’t think she heard her Ammi correctly. She knows? Is it because she does her laundry and keeps finding all these shirts with the lightning bolt down the front?

“I’ve known for several months now, Kamala-jaanu,” she says, serious as a string of heart attacks and mini-strokes. She started to suspect it when Kamala said “I’M GONNA GO BE MS. MARVEL” before booking it out of the house. And then every time Ammi saw er on TV, her daughter wouldn’t be home until morning.

“You know I was sneaking out?! But I was so quiet!”

Ammi shushes her and tells her that Abu doesn’t know this because he’s dumb and fat and is as detail-oriented as a sea slug. Kamala begs Ammi to not be mad, and she’s not mad. She swears it! She’s just… you know… she has a teenager and shit. Better this than breaking things or doing drugs or fucking Bruno in front of Aamir. “If the worst thing you do is sneak out to help suffering people – then I thank God for having raised a righteous child.”

Kamala looks glum and guilty, but she gets another hug and another gushing of pride. And then a SLAM! of a door announces Abu’s arrival. “That boy is going to give me a heart attack!” he bellows. “First he drops his engineering major without telling me, then he refuses to get a job, and now this!” This stupid mofo is going to pray his problems away, and Abu can’t be more upset about the waste of time. He’s going to whip him with a cane is what he’s going to do. “Ya Allah, what did I do to deserve such an exasperating child?”

Kamala tells her dad to cork it because Aamir didn’t do anything on purpose (except jerk off). But, argh, she can’t tell them what happened and why! Oh well, let’s all put this behind us and have a tall glass of halal Ovaltine! And–

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #19

The kids basically mixed dirt and water, and it’s delicious.

“Bitcoin for your thoughts?” Bruno appears behind Kamala, who was lost in thought. “It’s been quiet for a while,” he says. People are scared and angry and supplies are scarce. “Apparently, all the government resources are going to New York – we’re getting screwed as usual.”

How much longer can everyone hang on? Well, mopey Debbie Downer tells Bruno that they might not have to wait long anyway. Captain Marvel said everything is fucked up beyond all repair (that’s “FUBAR” for all you military nerds!) and nothing can stop the giant planet from plowing into the other giant planet.

“Bruno… if you knew this was your last day on Earth, what would you do differently?”

“Nothing. I would do nothing differently.”

Then he awkwardly grabs her hand and tells her that he’d be wherever she is for as long as he could. Kamala stares down and realizes that he’s been telling her this for a long time now.

But she chickens out and tells him that she’s got to check up on her parents in the gym byyyeeeeee. He stands there confused and probably sad as shit.

“I try not to look over my shoulder. I tell myself, Bruno can wait. I still have a job to do.”

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #19

Abu likes his tea dry and dusty!

Kamala’s barely-friend Zoe thinks that zombies are going to attack Jersey City. “Kamala…” she says. “If we’re all going to be battling the undead together, there are certain things I need to say first.” UH OH! ANOTHER PROFESSION OF LOVE WITHIN TWO MINUTES! STAY BACK! STAY BACK! “I’m sorry.”

Zoe apologizes for saying so many stupid things to Kamala in the past. Ignorant, stupid things. Stuff about curry. Getting locked up on weekends. “The thing is – I was jealous.”

Kamala can’t believe what she’s hearing. She raises her nostril in a sneer. “What?! You were jealous of me?” It’s because Zoe thinks everyone likes Kamala and everyone hates her, that’s the business of the matter at hand. Kamala is confused. Zoe is the rich, popular one. Kamala has Level 60 druids. Whatever. They shake hands. All is forgiven. By the way, your friend Nakia is looking for you. She’s mad at Zoe and it’s probably for incredibly racist reasons! Let’s go see.

Nakia is sitting in a “non-denominational non-judgmental prayer area”, which is so woke that my Republican sphincter is belching fire in rage. She seems mad at Kamala too, but this time it’s not for incredibly racist reasons. It’s because Kamala has been too busy to talk to her for like 12 straight issues.

“Oh God. You’re mad at me. Can we just skip the guilt trip part? I’m really exhausted–”

“No problem, Kamala. We’ll do whatever is convenient for you, like we always do.”

Eep. Kamala doesn’t tell Nakia anything anymore, and she’s supposed to be her best friend. She heard seventh-hand that Kamala is dating Kamran now? Like, gross! Gag me with a spoon and so forth!

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #19

And it’s not even one of the good mosque uncles. It’s one of those creepy mosque uncles who isn’t your uncle but he wants you to call him “uncle”…

Anyway, Nakia is salty and she doesn’t know why she and Kamala aren’t BFFs anymore, as the kids say (G. Willow Wilson would know what kids say, being 64 years old). They patch things up in about two panels because that’s how STRONG and RESILIANT their friendship is! They hug it out. Issue #19 has lots of pre-apocalypse hugging.

If there’s even an apocalypse. It sounds like there’s going to be even less of a party than even that.

Jock Itch has an annoucement! He yells so loudly that everyone goes like “huh”. Bruno’s brother holds a boombox over his head like he’s John Cusack. All like “we’re gonna party the way Jersey City parties!” and then they all stick their heads in the toilet.

Or they dance. They all dance in the gym.

“You can almost hear the collective sigh. Like we needed to be given permission to laugh again. Like even if things are profoundly not okay… at least we’re not okay together. And even if we don’t always get along…” Kamala looks toward her stick-in-the-mud brother, who betrays a small smile, “…we’re still connected by something you can’t break.”

A sad Bruno slips out of the gym unnoticed. OR WAS HE. Kamala follows knowing that she only has one chance to make this right…

She finds Bruno on the roof looking at the red sky. She asks if he’s ok. He’s ok enough. Ol’ Bruno is solid as a rock. A good head on his shoulders.

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #19

Roll call! Everyone’s here!

“It’s nice up here,” Kamala says, inching closer.

“Totally pleasant for a zombie apocalypse,” Bruno responds, still staring straight ahead.

Kamala admits that she’s been avoiding certain things lately. “I’ve been taking you for granted since this whole Ms. Marvel thing started, and that’s not okay. Especially because – Because you’re one of the most wonderful people I’ve ever met. And – one of the best friends I’ve ever had.”

Uh oh!

Bruno needs to say something before he wusses out, since it’s the end of the world and everything. “I love you, Kamala Khan.”

Uh oh!

“I — I love you too, Bruno.”

Oh no!

“So much,” she continues, “that it’s like a light is always on even when I’m fumbling around in the dark.”

Oh God! Oh no!

“…But I can’t.”

Whew!

It’s not even about her religion. It ain’t even about her parents. This whole Ms. Marvel thing has filled up her life completely. “I’m not ready to be anything else, to anyone else. I need to give this everything I’ve got.” She apologizes.

He understands. The exchange words of care and love and all sorts of other “I wanna fuck at least once please even though this comic series is PG” banter.

“Look — if we survive this – I want you to be happy. And if that means being happy without me, then – then that’s how it’s gotta be.” She presses her face sadly against his chest. His buff Bruno chest.

He’s hopeful. She’s hopeful. The planet continues hurtling down toward the Earth.

Kamala monologues. “It’s not like I imagined it would be. The end of the world. It doesn’t feel like nothing. Standing here with my best friend, it feels like everything. Everything and more.”

The light gets very white…

Final Thoughts

COMING-OF-AGE CLIFFHANGERS! THIS IS THE END OF THE SERIES! NOW WHAT, NOW WHAT??

Should I continue on with Ms. Marvel Vol. 4 or should I try to piece together more of this Secret Wars event? Decisions, decisions!

Or maybe I should see what that loser Jessica Jones is up to.

Or maybe I should stop reading comics like a fucking child! But that won’t happen! See you next time, doods.


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Pretty in Pink (1986)

Tagline:
The laughter. The lovers. The friends. The fights. The talk. The hurt. The jealousy. The passion. The pressure. The real world.

Wide Release Date:
February 28, 1986

Directed by:
Howard Deutch
Written by:
John Hughes
Produced by:
Lauren Shuler

Starring:
Molly Ringwald
Harry Dean Stanton
Jon Cryer
Annie Potts
James Spader
Andrew McCarthy

Pretty in Pink

PREGAME THOUGHTS

I never saw this movie as a kid because the title was “Pretty in Pink” and it starred Molly Ringwald so it was a total chick flick, man. I got over myself eventually and watched this movie once in my late ’20s. I remember finding it rushed and annoying, so let’s see if I was correct. I still don’t like Molly Ringwald.

THE 600(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

Andie (Molly Ringwald) is a high school senior living with her dad, Jack (Harry Dean Stanton) on the WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS. She spends a lot of time augmenting her clothes. Her best friend is the insufferable Duckie (Jon Cryer), who claims that he’s in love with her even though it’s likely that he is a homosexual human being and I think that shit is canon. Steff (James Spader) is the high school’s resident rich asshole with a weirdly feminine name, and he secretly wants to date Andie. She thinks he’s a piece of shit.

Andie works at a record store with Iona (Annie Potts), who looks different in every scene she’s in. While perusing the store, rich kid and Steff’s friend Blane (Andrew McCarthy) makes eyeballs are our protagonist and eventually asks her out. She is also attracted to him and says yes. Blane is late to pick Andie up from the record store on the night of the date, and in the meantime Duckie is all Duckie-like and tries to get Andie to go hang out with him. She declines, and when he realizes that she’s going out on a date with Blane he gets all pissy and weird about it.

Pretty in Pink

Ever see Coneheads, Annie Potts?

In a complete lapse of judgment, Blane takes Andie to a Steff’s rich kid party full of assholes who hate her. Even after multiple beratements, Blane still keeps her there until she’s had enough. Blane and Andie then go to a nightclub where Iona and Duckie are hanging out. Duckie is a jerk to both Blane and Andie, so they leave. To cap off the awful date, Blane offers Andie a ride home but she refuses, not wanting Blane to discover the hole that she lives in. At the end of this go-nowhere shitty date, Blane asks Andie to prom and then they kiss for some reason. Steff calls bullshit on all this, and Blane is pressured to stay away from Andie.

Andie and Jack have a tense moment where she finds out that he doesn’t have a full-time job, and he’s still sad that his wife left them. They hug it out. Jack had bought her a dress for the prom, which she will use later and turn it into an uglier dress.

Pretty in Pink

I’m sorry I can’t do better for you, honey. But having a job and paying the bills is just sooo haaaaaarrddd.

At school, Andie confronts Blane about him ghosting her. He claims he had already asked someone else to the prom, which she knows is a lie. He just doesn’t want to be seen with her. Duckie overhears Steff calling Andie trash, so he kicks Steff’s ass in the hallway.

Upset about Blane, Andie talks to Iona at her apartment. Iona presents Andie with her own prom dress from high school, which Andie will use later to turn it into an uglier dress.

Andie decides to go stag to the prom. She creates an ugly dress out of the two dresses. When she arrives, she finds Duckie alone too and they both walk in together. Steff, drunk, begins to insult them until Blane shows up to give Steff the business. I think he calls him shit, which is absolutely true. Very handsome shit. Blane will henceforth no longer associate himself with very handsome shit.

Blane apologizes to Andie and walks out of the party. Duckie, understanding that Andie would rather be with Blane than a lame duck like Jon Cryer, tells Andie to go chase him down. Andie catches up with Blane in the parking lot. They kiss.

An an epilogue that I’m making up right now, eight years later Blane gains 400 pounds and Andie pops out seven children. They are all named Lester.

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — Duckie Is Fucking Annoying

Dude, seriously.

Pretty in Pink

Molly Ringwald spends exactly zero seconds of the movie enjoying Jon Cryer’s company.

John Hughes’ original script had Andie and Duckie getting together in the end. Now, the best possible ending would’ve been Andie giving the ol’ fuck you to both Duckie and Blane and going home, we can all agree on this, right? The worst ending imaginable would be Andie sucking Duckie’s face while the credits roll. No way, absolutely not.

Duckie is the universe’s most obnoxious movie character. I don’t care if they were friends when they were little kids, it’s beyond my understanding why Andie would continue being associated with such an embarrassing dipshit. Did you see Molly Ringwald’s face during every scene with Jon Cryer? She couldn’t keep the unbridled disdain off of her face. Re-watch that gruesome scene in the record store of Duckie lip-syncing and dancing to Otis Redding’s “Try a Little Tenderness” (if you can stomach it more than once in your lifetime) and check out the revolted sneer plastered all over Andie’s mug. It’s the correct reaction to such an obscene debacle.

Sorry, Duckie, but there is no indication, nor has there ever been, of Andie being into you. It’s just not there. No romantic chemistry whatsoever between you two. She appears to see you as nothing more than an obnoxious little brother, obviously one that she can’t remove from her life like a malignant esophageal tumor. If you did indeed profess your love to her, as you almost did in that one scene in her bedroom, then rest assured that she wouldn’t have laughed in your face. She would have pushed you out her window, hopefully causing you to get impaled by something pointy on the ground below. Fuck you, Duckie.

Pretty in Pink

Ah yes, a familiar expression. The face I made while watching Duckie’s lip-sync dancing scene. Yuck.

TOPIC 2 — Blane is Fucking Bland

Not so fast, Blane! You’re not off the hook either, son. Did you know that you are the most boring prospective boyfriend in any movie ever? You’re even worse than Ross from Friends, pal. When you first walked into the record store I wondered if anyone would notice you at all. I wondered if they would close the store at the end of the night and leave you trapped because you couldn’t have made a more banal presence. You’re like a black hole of milquetoast in any room you’re in.

Now, you already read my tirade about Duckie. Don’t get me started again on that unpleasant mongoose-faced dork. But, AS A REMINDER, Duckie and Andie ended up together in John Hughes’ original script. Test audiences hated that ending so much that they were tearing up their genitalia with their car keys just to distract themselves from the pain. So, instead, they made Andie fall in love with this boring rich kid. Blane and Andie had approximately zero chemistry in every scene they shared. Their one date went horribly wrong and it was tremendously uncomfortable for her to be at that party. Did Blane really think that his asshole friends wouldn’t be assholes? Is he an idiot?

Here’s what Andie should have done: told both Duckie and Blane to fuck off, focused on getting into a good college to hoist herself out of her poverty-stricken existence, maybe spend more time helping her sad-sack father, and finding a real boyfriend who doesn’t suck ass. And maybe bang James Spader on the side because, let’s face it, he was a real piece! The best looking guy in the movie. Other than Dweezil Zappa, of course.

Pretty in Pink

Simply overflowing with chemistry. Grab a bucket.

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

James Spader was offered the role of Blane, but he chose to take the role of Steff instead. He finds it more fun to play the villain.
MOLLY RINGWALD COULD’VE KISSED SLEEPY-EYES JAMES SPADER, BUT INSTEAD HAD TO SETTLE FOR SMILEY-BOY ANDREW MCCARTHY?? THE BIGGEST TRAGEDY IS RIGHT HERE, BOYS AND GIRLS.

The genesis of this project emerged when Molly Ringwald asked John Hughes to write a movie based on The Psychedelic Furs song “Pretty in Pink”, which was her favorite song at the time.
Good thing Ringwald wasn’t really into GG Allin’s “Needle Up My Cock” or it would have been a far different movie.

When the ending was re-shot, all of the principal cast members had to be called back. Andrew McCarthy had already lost a substantial amount of weight and shaved his head for a new role in a New York City play called “The Boys of Winter”. Although he wore an auburn wig, he’s noticeably more gaunt in the re-shot scenes.
Reshoot the whole fucking movie with McCarthy in a wig. Just flopping around his head like a wounded muskrat.

In spite of their chemistry on-screen, Jon Cryer (Duckie) has stated that both of his co-stars Molly Ringwald (Andie) and Andrew McCarthy (Blane) found him “irritating” from day one.
Fucking lol

James Spader’s shirt is unbuttoned in every scene he appears.
Best part of the movie. Spader’s sexy ribcage.

Pretty in Pink

Wanna go through the Stargate with me, baby?

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

Yeah, I’d say so. It’s a classic ’80s teen movie, and those are fun to watch in context. Fast forward that scene with Duckie singing in the record store, though. That’s the worst goddamn thing I’ve ever seen.


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Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #5 – “Son of Superman (Part 5)”

* Part 5 of 6 of the Son of Superman storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #5 – “Son of Superman (Part 5)”! In the previous installment… you know what. This shit is too dumb. Superman is dumb.

Superman flew his family to the moon in a submarine. He’s got a plan. Let’s read about his dipshit plan that’s only going to work because Peter Tomasi is a moron with bad ideas.

They’re almost on the moon. Little Jonny notices a lunar rover. Lois makes sure that her husband can hear their frantic cries of “WHY ARE WE GOING TO THE FUCKING MOON??” I mean, first the Eradicator and now this? What a Tuesday!

Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #5 [October, 2016]
Written by: Peter Tomasi
“Son of Superman (Part 5)”

Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #5

Superman has dragged their asses to the frigid and scary dark side of the moon. NASA can’t detect them. Other satellites can’t detect them. (Editor’s Note: These are both completely false statements, like, holy shit.) They’re safe for now.

“Dad, why did we run and leave all those people with the Eradicator?” Jon asks nervously.

“Sun Tzu said ‘He will win who knows when to fight and when not to fight,’” Superman responds in the most copout way I could imagine. Lois translates: “Your father’s taking this battle to another place to keep Metropolis safe… a place that allows him not to hold back.”

Bingo bango.

So Superman is going to hide his family in a cold-ass crater. Apparently, APPARENTLY, Batman has a moon base! And Superman discovered it by following him one day when he wasn’t looking. And Superman’s going to access the secret base with the robot sentry bats flying at them. And it’s huge and big and not at all cozy and also this story is stupid as shit.

“Why don’t you just call in the Justice League, Dad… we can have a team-up and kick the Eradicator’s butt together.” Jon smiles like he would like to beat someone up besides the Jewish kid at school (for being Jewish, of course, because Jon’s a little antisemite).

Superman says this is a family affair! He doesn’t want to involve them! So there you go, kid. More bullshit excuses just like those will be in your future as well.

Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #5

Stop wetting the bed for a while, then we’ll talk.

Plus, Jon’s too young and not ready for superheroing, which makes him hang his head in shame. Lois gets mad! “Clark, our son has to be made ready to handle himself and deal with whatever comes his way. The more we overprotect him, the bigger our disservice. It’s literally a new world. Jon needs you to be his Obi-Wan.”

Obi-Wan died like an idiot, though! After spending decades stinking up Tatooine! Useless and sad!

Don’t look now, by the way, but the Eradicator has arrived to the secret, impenetrable moon base and is ready to rumble! “RUN — FIND COVER!” Superman screams as he holds off the Eradicating-Type Guy. Mr. Eradicator is like “stop resisting your Kryptonian heritage and assimilate” and Superman is like “PUNCH, KICK, NOOGIE”.

Jon and Lois wonder how they can help Superman, but they’re as useless as a third nipple. Eradicator busts through the wall they’re both hiding behind. “KAL-EL DEBASES HIS INNER SOUL THE LONGER HE REMAINS IN BOTH YOUR PRESENCE. HIS LOVE FOR YOU WILL KILL HIM.” He reaches toward Jon’s face, but Superman slams Eradicator’s head down into the floor. Eradicator keeps yapping. Superman tells him to shut up.

“YOU DEFY YOUR HERITAGE. YOUR BLOOD IS OUR BLOOD. OUR BLOOD IS YOUR BLOOD. THAT IS WHY YOU DO NOT FIGHT WITH FULL FORCE. YOU ARE FEARFUL OF HARMING THE KRYPTONIANS WITHIN US.”

Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #5

And home is where you get nearly tortured to death, apparently.

So that panel above indicates that Eradicator has sucked up Superman (and his soul) like a wet piece of spaghetti. “IT IS ACCOMPLISHED,” the Eradicator smiles. Jon tells the jerk to spit his dad back out. Eradicator, of course, does not comply! He doesn’t listen to little nerd kids.

“Open your mouth now… OR I’LL OPEN IT FOR YOU!” Jon shrieks as he blasts Eradicator with his cat-killing fiery eyes. Eradicator’s head is aflame, but is he hurt? Nay! He presses on.

Jon hides from this Spooky Man.

“THERE IS NO SHAME. YOUR BIRTH WAS NOT OF YOUR OWN CHOOSING. BUT YOU COULD ALLOW YOUR DEATH TO BE. YOU WOULD HAVE OUR RESPECT.”

This Eradicator really wants to kill this kid, huh? Get a hobby.

Jon continues running away while the Eradicator gives chase. This happens for a lot of panels. Eradicator says some of the same stuff. Meanwhile, Lois finds her way into a giant… mechanical… Batman… robot… thing. “GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY SON!” she screams mechanically as this Batbot slams Eradicator into the fucking dirt.

It’s the Hellbat suit, and it’s a ripoff of the Iron Man suit in many ways. Lawyer up, DC.

Eradicator hoists himself up out of the floor. “WE ARE GENUINELY SURPRISED BY YOUR PERSEVERANCE AND INGENUITY. BUT NOTHING YOU DO CAN STOP US…”

Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #5

Ouch! Fire! You’re right, I’ve learned the error of my ways!

While Eradicator tries burning the Hellbat suit to a crisp, Jon jumps in again to burn Eradicator to a crisp. Give him back his dad right now! Wah!

Jon burns him. Hellbat Lois punches him. They both keep him pretty subdued, actually. Like a DOG.

Meanwhile, Superman confers with the ghostly, skeletonized spirits trapped with him. All like “your spiritual energy feeds the beast” and “this is gonna be risky.”

“LET’S DO THIS TOGETHER!” Superman yells while he becomes filled with the incandescent energy of many Kryptonian spirits! Just getting waterlogged with Kryptonian spirits. Getting all up there in his guts.

Eradicator is in the middle of killing Jon when he suddenly goes “HRKK” and “GAAK”. Then Superman leaps out of his mouth (TAH-DAH!) and is all like “thanks, fam, for doing your thing, but I got it from here!”

And Superman has it from here. Bing bang boom comic over.

Final Thoughts

Dumb. Dumb dumb dumb. Don’t care. Hate Superman. Wish he was dead. Fuck that guy. Boo-urns. Etc.


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Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #18 – “Last Days (Part 3)”

* Part 3 of 4 of the Last Days storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #18 – “Last Days (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, Ms. Marvel teams up with Captain Marvel to go find Kamala’s kidnapped brother Aamir. The Inhumans are using him to try to turn him into a fellow Inhuman.

They find Aamir in a warehouse and he’s shrouded in green Terrigen Mist! Does he have superpowers now?! Can he fart enough gas to power a locomotive??

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #18 [November, 2015]
Written by: G. Willow Wilson
“Last Days (Part 3)”

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #18

“So my evil ex-crush kidnapped my clueless older brother in an attempt to awaken his supposed Inhuman powers. The worst part is… I think it worked.”

Aamir is lying there half-dead, kinda like he does at home anyway. Dude “prays” but that’s just code for jerking off and playing a lot of Nintendo Switch. Anyway, the Terrigen Mist is harmless. Kamran stole it from New Attilan while no one was looking! Very crafty, this guy. Now Lineage, Kamran’s boss, he’ll let him back into his good graces! Lineage can be very brutal when he’s unhappy. He made this one girl stuff a watermelon in her vagina just for “looking at him funny”, which sounds kind of interesting actually. I don’t have a vagina, but I bet a watermelon would–

Ahem, uh. So, Captain Marvel knows that this isn’t real Terrigen Mist. Again, Aamir looks hella dead like he just inhaled a watermelon with his vagina.

Something unsettling happens. There’s a large “BA-BOOM” that sends the three of them flying across the room. Aamir gets up, holding his head, needing Tylenol and some Oxycodone stat! Ms. Marvel wonders if her brother is now an Inhuman, and Captain Marvel reiterates that this shit is not Terrigen Mist and that something else is happening to Aamir. He collapses backwards going “Buhhh…” and Ms. Marvel catches him before he hits the ground. Another BA-BOOM sends her flying. Things are confusing, and it’s not for puberty reasons. Shit is fucked up somehow.

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #18

They’re called “doctors” and they have all the Oxycodone that you can handle!

Kamran comes over to Aamir and soothes him with his sultry baritone voice. “This is a brave new world, Aamir, and we are going to live at the tippy-top of it.” Being Inhuman means perks and special offers! Send in 500 box tops and get a cool Mickey Mouse watch. They also have a secret handshake!

Aamir starts putting up his dukes like he could tear a noodle in half (he can’t), telling Kamran to stay the fuck away from Kamala and the rest of his family. Kamran is like “I’m your family now, sailor.” Aamir looks at his hands, which are swirling with a mysterious green aura. “You’ve been blasting, like, psychic force fields around yourself,” Kamran explains. “You’ve got super-powers, man.”

My dude is like “nuh uh, no way”. He doesn’t want super-powers. He wants to go home and jerk off and play Nintendo. Kamran starts freaking out. He can’t believe that anyone wouldn’t want super-powers! Aamir insists that he’s happy the way he was, all religious and proud of it. He jabs a finger at Kamran and tells him, again, to stay away from Kamala or there will be Hell to pay! Hell like a fox!

Meanwhile, Captain Marvel checks in on Ms. Marvel, who is floored by Aamir’s sticking up for her. Sibling love, ain’t it disgusting?

“What is wrong with the Khan family?!” Kamran shrieks like a Hell Fox. “Why can’t any of you recognize the opportunity of a lifetime when it comes knocking on your door?” Kamran turns into his weird translucent form and puts up his own dukes. Lots of dukes are up and it could get ugly fast.

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #18

Whoa whoa whoa, let’s stay away from the harsh language! “Duffel bag?” Kids are listening!

Kamran sends a blast of electricity in Aamir’s direction. Aamir counters with whatever the fuck he’s got. It sends Kamran flying across the room. Aamir starts to boast when he loses consciousness again and collapses. Ms. Marvel goes to help the ol’ damsel in distress.

“What’s wrong with him?” Ms. Marvel asks. “Why does this keep happening?”

“He obviously can’t control this – whatever it is,” replies Captain Marvel, the know-it-all. “He’s not Inhuman. This almost seems like some kind of allergic reaction to whatever this gas is. Those powers are not stable.”

This means it’s temporary! Good! He’ll be back to stroking his schlong to Mario again in no time. Ms. Marvel picks up her 60-pound brother and looks forward to normalcy when this is all over. Captain Marvel is like, yeah, “when” this is all over. Sorry, sister, we’re all gonna die in like two days.

Carrying Aamir like a drooling baby, Ms. Marvel traipses across the ruins of Jersey City. It’s unrecognizable to her. Cars are piled up in traffic jams on every street. People are panicking. Whores and pimps are no longer whoring or pimping! It’s madness!

Ms. Marvel carries Stupid Aamir to the school, where Bruno does his best Keanu Reeves “whoa” and asks if he’s all right. Ms. Marvel is like “not really, dingus”. She asks him to get Aamir inside the school and, like, throw water in his face or something. Waterboard the Inhuman out of him.

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #18

…but I’ve got about 2,000 things I’d rather be doing right now. Like jabbing bamboo shoots under my fingernails.

Ms. Marvel asks Captain Marvel to stay, and Captain Marvel is like “uh, no”. Then she spills some of the beans – not all of the beans – on what’s been happening. Sort of. She hands Ms. Marvel a pendant that acts as a GPS locater. They share a hug. “But — why do you look so sad?” Ms. Marvel asks. “We saved my brother, we stopped some looters, everybody is mostly ok at the school – things are going well, right?”

OH, MY DEAR SATURDAY CHILD. That shit going down in Manhattan? It sucks and it’s not going to get better. Keep doing what you’re doing and things will be cool for a while, you know? Prepare for the worst though, because not only is the worst very likely but it’s also, like, 100% likely. So there’s that. Because everyone’s gonna die! Heh heh.

Ms. Marvel is expecting an apocalypse. Captain Marvel tells her to expect oblivion. She’s disappointed you know, Captain Marvel does want to spend more time with her successor, but duty calls. “Good luck, Ms. Marvel. For what it’s worth – I’m proud of you.” Then, like a shooting star in the sky, Captain Marvel fucks off into the night.

Now what? Alone and expected to be helpful, Ms. Marvel wanders around aimlessly expecting the end of the world any minute now.

In the nurse’s office, Aamir maintains exactly NO control of his powers. He’s even told to “watch it, bruh” by Jock McStuffins. Kamala (as Kamala) pops into the office wondering what’s going on. Aamir lays out all that has happened to him in the last few hours. “[Kamran] gassed me with some weird techno mist and then I got this really heinous intestinal distress and basically started shooting out Star Wars beams all over the place.”

Kamala tells her dear brother that he might grow to like this powers. Aamir decides that it’s no way Jose on that nonsense. “I don’t aspire to this sci-fi stuff everybody is into now. I don’t read the Avengers gossip in the tabloids. I do my own thing. I go to the mosque. I volunteer. I read books. Why doesn’t anybody believe I’m happy the way I am?!”

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #18

Understand this! *poops on his face*

After Aamir is done throwing a fit, Kamala tells him that he still has to figure out these powers before someone gets hurt. After Aamir quotes a Quran verse, he tells Kamala that she couldn’t possibly know what it’s like to wake up with powers. He needs some time. Kamala storms out of the room and tells her parents (who actually did listen and flee to the school) that their son has powers now and he’s being such a duffel bag. I’ve never seen Kamala so grumpy in my life and I’ve read 17 other issues! “Why aren’t you looking out for your brother?” her mother gripes. “You know he always has his head in the clouds! How could you let this happen?”

Kamala stays grumpy.

Then she decides to tell Ammi what’s what.

She tells her that she’s Ms. Marvel.

And Ammi gives her a nice hug.

And she says “Oh, beta… I know.”

And Kamala is like “BRRT!”

Final Thoughts

Let’s wrap this sucker up before Ms. Marvel shares her secret identity with any walking, living, breathing motherfucker who crosses her path. Kids can be so stupid sometimes.


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