Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #18 – “Last Days (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, Ms. Marvel teams up with Captain Marvel to go find Kamala’s kidnapped brother Aamir. The Inhumans are using him to try to turn him into a fellow Inhuman.

They find Aamir in a warehouse and he’s shrouded in green Terrigen Mist! Does he have superpowers now?! Can he fart enough gas to power a locomotive??

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #18 [November, 2015]
Written by: G. Willow Wilson
“Last Days (Part 3)”

“So my evil ex-crush kidnapped my clueless older brother in an attempt to awaken his supposed Inhuman powers. The worst part is… I think it worked.”

Aamir is lying there half-dead, kinda like he does at home anyway. Dude “prays” but that’s just code for jerking off and playing a lot of Nintendo Switch. Anyway, the Terrigen Mist is harmless. Kamran stole it from New Attilan while no one was looking! Very crafty, this guy. Now Lineage, Kamran’s boss, he’ll let him back into his good graces! Lineage can be very brutal when he’s unhappy. He made this one girl stuff a watermelon in her vagina just for “looking at him funny”, which sounds kind of interesting actually. I don’t have a vagina, but I bet a watermelon would–

Ahem, uh. So, Captain Marvel knows that this isn’t real Terrigen Mist. Again, Aamir looks hella dead like he just inhaled a watermelon with his vagina.

Something unsettling happens. There’s a large “BA-BOOM” that sends the three of them flying across the room. Aamir gets up, holding his head, needing Tylenol and some Oxycodone stat! Ms. Marvel wonders if her brother is now an Inhuman, and Captain Marvel reiterates that this shit is not Terrigen Mist and that something else is happening to Aamir. He collapses backwards going “Buhhh…” and Ms. Marvel catches him before he hits the ground. Another BA-BOOM sends her flying. Things are confusing, and it’s not for puberty reasons. Shit is fucked up somehow.

They’re called “doctors” and they have all the Oxycodone that you can handle!

Kamran comes over to Aamir and soothes him with his sultry baritone voice. “This is a brave new world, Aamir, and we are going to live at the tippy-top of it.” Being Inhuman means perks and special offers! Send in 500 box tops and get a cool Mickey Mouse watch. They also have a secret handshake!

Aamir starts putting up his dukes like he could tear a noodle in half (he can’t), telling Kamran to stay the fuck away from Kamala and the rest of his family. Kamran is like “I’m your family now, sailor.” Aamir looks at his hands, which are swirling with a mysterious green aura. “You’ve been blasting, like, psychic force fields around yourself,” Kamran explains. “You’ve got super-powers, man.”

My dude is like “nuh uh, no way”. He doesn’t want super-powers. He wants to go home and jerk off and play Nintendo. Kamran starts freaking out. He can’t believe that anyone wouldn’t want super-powers! Aamir insists that he’s happy the way he was, all religious and proud of it. He jabs a finger at Kamran and tells him, again, to stay away from Kamala or there will be Hell to pay! Hell like a fox!

Meanwhile, Captain Marvel checks in on Ms. Marvel, who is floored by Aamir’s sticking up for her. Sibling love, ain’t it disgusting?

“What is wrong with the Khan family?!” Kamran shrieks like a Hell Fox. “Why can’t any of you recognize the opportunity of a lifetime when it comes knocking on your door?” Kamran turns into his weird translucent form and puts up his own dukes. Lots of dukes are up and it could get ugly fast.

Whoa whoa whoa, let’s stay away from the harsh language! “Duffel bag?” Kids are listening!

Kamran sends a blast of electricity in Aamir’s direction. Aamir counters with whatever the fuck he’s got. It sends Kamran flying across the room. Aamir starts to boast when he loses consciousness again and collapses. Ms. Marvel goes to help the ol’ damsel in distress.

“What’s wrong with him?” Ms. Marvel asks. “Why does this keep happening?”

“He obviously can’t control this – whatever it is,” replies Captain Marvel, the know-it-all. “He’s not Inhuman. This almost seems like some kind of allergic reaction to whatever this gas is. Those powers are not stable.”

This means it’s temporary! Good! He’ll be back to stroking his schlong to Mario again in no time. Ms. Marvel picks up her 60-pound brother and looks forward to normalcy when this is all over. Captain Marvel is like, yeah, “when” this is all over. Sorry, sister, we’re all gonna die in like two days.

Carrying Aamir like a drooling baby, Ms. Marvel traipses across the ruins of Jersey City. It’s unrecognizable to her. Cars are piled up in traffic jams on every street. People are panicking. Whores and pimps are no longer whoring or pimping! It’s madness!

Ms. Marvel carries Stupid Aamir to the school, where Bruno does his best Keanu Reeves “whoa” and asks if he’s all right. Ms. Marvel is like “not really, dingus”. She asks him to get Aamir inside the school and, like, throw water in his face or something. Waterboard the Inhuman out of him.

…but I’ve got about 2,000 things I’d rather be doing right now. Like jabbing bamboo shoots under my fingernails.

Ms. Marvel asks Captain Marvel to stay, and Captain Marvel is like “uh, no”. Then she spills some of the beans – not all of the beans – on what’s been happening. Sort of. She hands Ms. Marvel a pendant that acts as a GPS locater. They share a hug. “But — why do you look so sad?” Ms. Marvel asks. “We saved my brother, we stopped some looters, everybody is mostly ok at the school – things are going well, right?”

OH, MY DEAR SATURDAY CHILD. That shit going down in Manhattan? It sucks and it’s not going to get better. Keep doing what you’re doing and things will be cool for a while, you know? Prepare for the worst though, because not only is the worst very likely but it’s also, like, 100% likely. So there’s that. Because everyone’s gonna die! Heh heh.

Ms. Marvel is expecting an apocalypse. Captain Marvel tells her to expect oblivion. She’s disappointed you know, Captain Marvel does want to spend more time with her successor, but duty calls. “Good luck, Ms. Marvel. For what it’s worth – I’m proud of you.” Then, like a shooting star in the sky, Captain Marvel fucks off into the night.

Now what? Alone and expected to be helpful, Ms. Marvel wanders around aimlessly expecting the end of the world any minute now.

In the nurse’s office, Aamir maintains exactly NO control of his powers. He’s even told to “watch it, bruh” by Jock McStuffins. Kamala (as Kamala) pops into the office wondering what’s going on. Aamir lays out all that has happened to him in the last few hours. “[Kamran] gassed me with some weird techno mist and then I got this really heinous intestinal distress and basically started shooting out Star Wars beams all over the place.”

Kamala tells her dear brother that he might grow to like this powers. Aamir decides that it’s no way Jose on that nonsense. “I don’t aspire to this sci-fi stuff everybody is into now. I don’t read the Avengers gossip in the tabloids. I do my own thing. I go to the mosque. I volunteer. I read books. Why doesn’t anybody believe I’m happy the way I am?!”

Understand this! *poops on his face*

After Aamir is done throwing a fit, Kamala tells him that he still has to figure out these powers before someone gets hurt. After Aamir quotes a Quran verse, he tells Kamala that she couldn’t possibly know what it’s like to wake up with powers. He needs some time. Kamala storms out of the room and tells her parents (who actually did listen and flee to the school) that their son has powers now and he’s being such a duffel bag. I’ve never seen Kamala so grumpy in my life and I’ve read 17 other issues! “Why aren’t you looking out for your brother?” her mother gripes. “You know he always has his head in the clouds! How could you let this happen?”

Kamala stays grumpy.

Then she decides to tell Ammi what’s what.

She tells her that she’s Ms. Marvel.

And Ammi gives her a nice hug.

And she says “Oh, beta… I know.”

And Kamala is like “BRRT!”

Final Thoughts

Let’s wrap this sucker up before Ms. Marvel shares her secret identity with any walking, living, breathing motherfucker who crosses her path. Kids can be so stupid sometimes.

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #17 – “Last Days (Part 2)”! In the previous installment, a giant fucking red planet that may or may not be Mars is crashing down onto Manhattan, and, meanwhile, Kamala Khan cries over the crush that betrayed her. Boo hoo, it’s called being a stinky teenager.

But now there’s bigger fish to fry. AN ENTIRE PLANET IS LANDING ON THEIR HEADS, I said. And Kamala can’t handle it alone…

So Captain Marvel shows up to be as equally helpless, so let’s see how that will turn out for everyone involved.

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #17 [October, 2015]
Written by: G. Willow Wilson
“Last Days (Part 2)”

Here, let me do the G. Willow Wilson recap! — “SUPERPOWERS, YES! PARENTS, BOOO!! PUBERTY??? NO WAY, GIRLFRIEND!”

Captain Marvel looks like a total cyberpunk in her getup. It’s awesome. Ms. Marvel is completely star struck and starfucked. She tries not to gibber and embarrass herself as Carol Danvers IN THE FLESH asks her if she’s ok.

“EVERYTHING SUCKS EXCEPT FOR YOU!” Ms. Marvel screams, embarrassing herself in front of her hero Carol “Captain Marvel” Danvers McGee. The two Marvels meet and greet. Captain Marvel compliments Ms. Marvel’s lightning bolt… uh… thing… on her… costume?

“I didn’t mean to camp out on your old alias – a lot of really weird things happened right around the time I got my powers, and it just sort of seemed like fate–” she begins, but Captain Marvel not unkindly tells her to shut the cunt up and listen. “How much do you know about what’s happening right now in Manhattan?” And when Ms. Marvel says it looks like the end of the world, Captain just stares at her like “well shit”.

Captain starts talking about incursion zones and colliding planets, which I know I’ve come across already. But look here, we’re not going to get into it with the boring science hoopla! Heh heh. The important thing is, can the Avengers stop it?? And, well, uh, no. Not really. “There are some things you can’t punch your way out of, honey,” says Captain. “This is one of them.”

You think superheroes are supposed to “help people”. What kind of dank-ass weed are you smoking, sister?

Captain Marvel gets existential. The fate of the world was never in your command, but the fate of YOURSELF is yada yada yada. That’s actually why she’s here. To tell YOU, Ms. Marvel, that you make the choices and hope it works out and see ya *flies away at 400 mph*

“All right,” Ms. Marvel says. “I choose to keep fighting. And I’m gonna need your help.”

“My help? Listen, I’m not even really supposed to be here.”

“Please. One hour.”

Captain Marvel smiles and says “RARARRRRRRGGGHHH, FIIIIIINE”, then Ms. Marvel explains that her crush kidnapped her brother to turn him into a Terrigen Mist Monster! It would be a step up, but we need him back I guess. Captain Marvel thinks this is a colossal waste of her time, probably, but she and Ms. Marvel start gallivanting across town. Ms. Marvel is thrilled. All smiles.

So Ms. catches up Captain: we don’t know where Kamran is or what he’s doing or how or why. Something about a river and a warehouse next to some trees and also it’s on the ground.

And because Captain is already tired of her shit, she flings Ms. over to the next building.

Get yo dank ass outta here, sister.

Captain mentions that they’ll never get anywhere – crowds and cars are backed up for miles – even though they’re launching off rooftops. Then they hear a BOOM, which isn’t very boomy. Kind of a weak boom, actually, from the standpoint of explosions.

“What happened here,” Ms. Marvel asks, reaching ground level.

“Two guys were trying to strip the metal out of an electric transformer and it blew up!” says a man with a Hawaiian shirt holding a stuffed pig. “They went that way,” he continues, pointing.

It’s three guys wearing tracksuits and weird knight head armor. Ms. Marvel fights them. She wins. She strikes a superheroly post.

The ruffians insist that they knew what they were doing! They didn’t think the transformer would blow, they’re professional transformer metal strippers! “If this is really the beginning of the zombie apocalypse, copper and wire and PVC and all that stuff is gonna get scarce. Get it while you can.”

Captain Marvel has an idea: give the civilians actual purpose so that they stop freaking out and instead do something useful like not loot and steal. “What were you before you became professional agents of anarchy?”

“Punk electricians” sounds like my shitty alt-country band that no one likes.

Ms. Marvel tells these cats to go use their skills for Good instead of Evil. Go to the school and help the AV Club get a better Wi-Fi signal. Go! Shoo!

As they walk away sheepishly, Captain Marvel commends Ms. Marvel on her persuasive abilities. Then they skedaddle to look for Aamir for some reason. While they cavort across rooftops, Ms. Marvel asks how Captain Marvel found her. Basically, she’s not very inconspicuous. Everyone has been paying attention to her for forever. “A lot of people think very highly of you,” Captain says, obviously lying. The only one who’s very high here is Bruno.

“Really? People think I’m doing a good job? I feel like such a klutz most of the time – like I’m always on the verge of screwing everything up.” After Captain tells Ms. that even Iron Man feels that way sometimes, Ms. gets all “BUHHHH” and starts asking a million questions about him. What’s his favorite color? What’s his favorite food? I heard he was shooting up heroin 25 years ago and now he can’t get paid until he’s 2/3 through shooting a movie. She makes Captain uncomfortable after mentioning his delicious, oiled muscles. Kids these days and their out-of-control hormones.

The two of them make it to the Jersey City Wharf where there are indeed about 700,000,000 warehouses. Any other leads? Like, maybe a warehouse with a big banner that says “AAMIR IS HERE” or something equally useful? Ms. Marvel remembers being dragged here by Kamran in Issue #15! Kamran was a real dillhole, Captain Marvel. Not like that chiseled, big-dicked Iron Man.

Let’s keep our eyes on the goal before you feel weird and dead.

Captain and Ms. are distracted by the sound of crying in a window. Like a baby or Chris Crocker telling everyone to leave Britney alone. They punch through a window and discover about 100 abandoned cats. Ms. gets sad and wants to take them all with them. Captain is like “uhhhh, can’t save your brother while holding an army of cats.” And now another harsh lesson of superherodom: you can’t save everyone. Now book it, nerd. We have a useless brother to save! “I’ll be back kitties,” Ms. says sadly. “I’ll be back if I can.”

She won’t be back. Those cats are gonna be hella skeletons.

“I know our job sucks sometimes. Sometimes we have to choose between a bad thing and a worse thing. But you have to remember to take care of yourself. You’re important. People need you – people love you. More than you probably realize.”

Ms. takes that to heart for about a second before emotionally moving on. It’s nighttime now, and they’re still no closer to finding Aamir than when they–

KA-BOOM! Now there’s an explosion! The Anarchy Girl named Kaboom shows up to fuck with their shit. “You know what, Ms. Marvel?! You’ve got a real talent for stumbling into big trouble.”

And it’s, like, come on now. But hey, this is one of Lineage’s henchpeople. They must be on the right track!

After a brief fight, Kaboom is like “what the fuck is this two-against-one horse hockey?” Ms. Marvel ignores that and asks where Aamir is.

“You trying to be everywhere at once, huh? Good luck. Why can’t you just leave Aamir alone? Maybe he wants to make different choices than you did.”

“You all do an awful lot of kidnapping for people who pretend to be into free will and stuff.”

“You think you’re so smart. But when this is all over and we are on top, you’ll wish you’d joined the winning side.”

You smell like a middle school boy’s locker room, Zappy McFadden.

Captain Marvel grabs Zappy by the scruff and gets into her face. “Here’s whats going to happen: you’re going to tell us where Aamir is being held. Or I’m going to lose my temper.”

Yes ma’am, right away ma’am! She points to a building that’s literally seven feet away. “He’s there. With Kamran.”

And then a “You’re too late – it’s already started.”

Ms. Marvel pulls off a window and out comes a plume of green smoke. She pushes herself in the building while Captain Marvel urges her to wait and think things through first.

They find Aamir lying supine on the floor, shrouded in mist.

Wubba lubba dub dub!

Final Thoughts

This Aamir guy better be worth it, is all I’m saying. There’s a PLANET crashing down on EARTH for criminy’s sake! Chaos! Pandemonium! Looting looting looting!