Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #4 – “Son of Superman (Part 4)”

* Part 4 of 6 of the Son of Superman storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #4 – “Son of Superman (Part 4)”! In the previous installment, the Kent family flies Jon to the Fortress of Solitude to give him a checkup, only to find THE ERADICATOR squatting on the premises! And, guess what? The Eradicator wants to eradicate the half of Jon that is human!

He’s going to cut him in half like the whole King Solomon thing, right? Right down the middle lengthwise.

Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #4 [October, 2016]
Written by: Peter Tomasi
“Son of Superman (Part 4)”

Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #4

“STAND DOWN, KAL-EL. WE ARE THE GUARDIAN OF THE KRYPTONIAN RACE. THE RACE YOU WILL RESTART AND LEAD TO FORM A NEW KRYPTON.”

So that was the Eradicator implying that Superman has to find a nice Kryptonian lady to fuck in order to repopulate a dead, exploded planet. The logic here is astoundingly good! Superman claims that this Eradicator cat is malfunctioning. Malfunctioning like a fox!

While the Eradicator hoots and hollers about Jon Kent being “impure”, Lois takes him to safety. And by “safety” I mean she falls down some stairs while Jon runs toward her. He feels all sad and guilty that he’s the reason all this is happening. Superman continues punching this Eradicator guy.

“After Goldie, I promised I wouldn’t kill again, but right now–” Jon grimaces with heat in his eyes.

“Jon, don’t listen to it – listen to me,” Lois implores. “You have the best of both worlds inside you. You can be great… choose to be.”

Jon twists his mouth into a face of DETERMINATION. He zips up his cute little Superman jacket and starts running back upstairs to the fray. This isn’t what Lois had in mind, but we’re here now, aren’t we? Might as well.

Both at once, and with a FRAKOOOOOM, Superman and Jon punch the Eradicator in the face, separating head from neck! Boo-yeah! “Did we do that?!” Jon cries, looking like someone shat in his grandmother’s mouth and then stabbed her with a scimitar. Then the Eradicator erupts like a volcano; fiery ghostly apparitions flow out of his neck stump.

“NOOOOO! WE ARE KRYPTON! AND WE ARE GONE!”

Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #4

That’s not all that’s inside me right now, big boy.

Eradicator loudly laments the freeing of all these captured souls. Now their legacy is no longer preserved! Eek! Ope!

Then there’s an even GIANTER explosion. And maybe they all died! But we’ll see later. Right now, we’re back in Metropolis where a burly man is arm wrestling another burly man in a bar. This one is for all the marbles! Burly Man #1 makes fun of Dead Superman, so Burly Man #2 wins instantly and tells him to stop bad-mouthin’ “the world’s greatest sooper-hero” in his bar.

Burly Bar Owner wins a moon rock, which Burly Man #1 got from an astronaut. Suddenly, the moon rock starts floating in the air and the bar starts shaking like an earthquake.

I barely know what happens next and I read the damn thing. The moon rock explodes (I think) into a torrent of fiery souls (it looks like) and Superman and Jon Kent appear collapsed and half-conscious on the pool table (that one is for certain). The barman calls him “Sooperman”. Lois is there too, but she’s fully conscious. “SOMETHING’S WRONG – THEY’RE IN PAIN!” she yells, not wondering where the hell they are or how they got there, apparently.

Ah, it turns out the moon rock didn’t explode, so that was something else I guess. The moon rock still hovers while trillions of souls start orbiting it like tiny, little, buzzy electrons. Lois recognizes this buzzy orbiting! There must be some dang Kryptonite in that rock! She has to get rid of it before Superman dies of Kryptonite laryngitis!

Meanwhile, patrons are becoming possessed by the spirits of the long lost Kryptonians. A real bruhaha breaks out, I tell you whut.

Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #4

Fuckin’ Supes. That guy tips well, good ol’ Supes.

So, the moon rock (a piece of the planet Krypton) starts getting sucked up into a vortex, but Lois wants to hang onto it before it gets sucked up into the vortex. Just as Superman’s soul starts leaving his eyes and mouth, the barman grabs the rock and hurls it out through his own glass window. “FOR SUPES!” he hollers like an idiot.

Spirits go flying every which-way. Superman is still caught up in… whatever it is that he’s caught up in… and starts having visions of talking to his father on the farm.

“…you’re always right where someone needs to be,” says Pa.

“Can you… come with me?” asks Clark.

“Can’t do that, son, you’ve got your own family to look after now.” Pa smiles his cheesy boy-howdy aw-shucks Kansas farmer smile. “It’s the duty of the living to carry on the name of those of us who can’t so we can rest easy… so that you can be free.”

Superman gets up and starts walking with his family. Lois is like “what the fuck is going on?” Superman can hear the voices from the spirits, and they’re happy to be free. Free for the first time since the Eradicator sucked them all up through a straw.

Jon notices that the Eradicator is not dead. Far from it. He looms outside the bar now in his Final Form. “FREEDOM IS ONLY WITHIN,” he says. Superman is not happy that this jobber is back.

And he starts sucking up souls again.

Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #4

Lousy mudbloods.

And then he goes after Jon’s tender little soul. “STAY AWAY FROM ME!” he bellows. In 10 cycles, the Eradictor will have fully rebooted and Jon’s soul is all slurped up like spaghetti. Jon wants to fight, but Superman tells him to get the hell out of here as fast as your stumpy little legs can carry you.

Eradicator gets to 9 cycles when Superman and his family book it, and at 8 cycles when the barman looks on in disappointment and disgust that Superman just ran away from the Bad Guy.

“A WORLD AWAITS, KAL-EL! THE HOUSE OF YOUR FATHER… AND YOUR MOTHER. WHY RUN FROM YOUR BIRTHRIGHT… WHEN YOU CAN WALK DOWN YOUR ANCESTRAL HALLS ONCE AGAIN? THE BOY STANDS IN THE WAY OF OUR FUTURE.”

Jon tries his fiery eyeball rays. We’re down to 5 cycles. Eradicator chases Superman and his family down like a hawk in heat. Lois points out the very obvious fact that Superman can’t outrun this guy. He’ll have to face him.

Superman listens to the spirits again, because THEY’LL be helpful. Pffft.

Actually, they are I guess. They voluntarily get sucked up by the Eradicator, and then the Eradicator blows up again for some reason.

Right outside the bar, I guess, there’s a dock with a submarine. Superman shoves Jon and Lois into it, I suppose. Then he flies it to the moon, it seems. It’s really dumb.

“The Man of Steel’s got a plan,” says the barman. He’s wrong.

Final Thoughts

How dumb is this shit? What’s Superman’s plan? Leave his family on the moon and away from the Eradicator’s hands. What’s he going to do? Feed them astronaut ice cream for the rest of their lives? Are they going to decorate the interior of their submarine? Nice plan, fuckface. God, I’m so mad.


Click here to ridicule this post!

Black Science, Issue #4

* Part 4 of 6 of the How to Fall Forever storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Black Science, Issue #4! In the previous installment, we see more of the black science insidiousness! Actually, nothing new happens at all, honestly. Grant’s having an extramarital affair with Rebecca, which will prove to be a vastly unnecessary plot point for the ages. We see a flashback of when the Pillar actually transported everyone to the warzone, which offered no new information. Half the Pillar team (the men) get ambushed by giant robots while the other half of the Pillar Team (the women) hunker down in a trench with their German hostage.

Lots of setup. Will there be payoff? I’m going to keep going regardless. Onward.

Black Science, Issue #4 [February, 2014]
Written by: Rick Remender

Black Science, Issue #4

“To get through a war, a man needs something bigger than himself to fight for. The fate of people he cares for. The state of the world he leaves behind. The honor of a promise.”

Shawn and Ward, carrying Grant, are about 100 yards from the Pillar. Through minefields and bomb shelling. Ward will stop at nothing to help Grant. NOTHING! YOU HEAR ME?!?!

Ahem… so, a couple of Native Americans on horseback notice Ward and Shawn trudgin’ along. As Team Pillar board a jeep, the Native Americans begin tailing them. Only two minutes, two measly minutes, before the Pillar jumps and they’re left stranded in the middle of some bullshit German/Native America war planet.

While driving, Ward aims his ol’ six-shooter behind him and BLAMM’s these dudes off their horses. Their high horses, if you ask me.

Ward thinks of the children. Those poor children. Poor, hapless, dumb children. Without their stupid father? Say it ain’t gonna be so!

One of the Native American dudes launches a rocket at the jeep, blowing it up into many smithereens. Now Ward has a concussion and Shawn is scrambling to get out of the way.

Ward is able to pull some barbed wire tight and decapitate this last mofo. Decapitate him right through the neck.

Black Science, Issue #4

GAKK, sir! My poor noggin’!

Kadir shows up out of nowhere grabs this really neato laser hatchet that the dead guy was carrying. Ward appears to be missing a few teeth now, the sexy beast. Only thirty more feet to the Pillar, and it’s starting to glow! Too bad that another wave of rocket-launchin’ Native Americans show up. Kadir poops his pants while Ward yells at him to help him hold them off. Kadir’s a businessman! He doesn’t have the wherewithal for laser hatcheting! But Ward’s scary, toothless face lights the fire under Kadir’s tender rumpus and… he doesn’t really help. Ward gets ambushed, and now he’s fighting this guy one-on-one while leaving the rest of his team vulnerable.

Kadir looks at the hatchet like it’s about to expel semen all over his face.

Ward is in the trench now, and he has subdued his opponent. Ward asks Kadir very kindly to throw him the hatchet, and what does Kadir do? He fucking runs off scared in the opposite direction! The lack of honor in this one shames everyone! This will be on his tombstone: “HERE LIES KADIR. HE POOPED HIS PANTS LIKE AN IDIOT. STUPID PANTS POOPER.”

Long story short, two Native Americans corner Ward and hatchet his head off while Kadir keeps running toward the Pillar.

Oh, I see! It wasn’t Grant that the team was carrying. It’s the shaman! And they still have him. This is why they’re getting ganged up on by fiendish Native Americans! It all makes sense now! Enlightenment!

Black Science, Issue #4

Poopypants needs to be saved too, you guys! Let the nice guys win once in a while!

Eight seconds until Pillar Jumpy Time. The team is all there, except for Ward of course. “He was right behind me!” says Kadir, like a little doofus weenie. “He told me to run!”

DEEP. Large bright, white flash of light. Who knows where they’re at now? Probably fighting Zoidbergs in the year 3002. Grant wakes up in a bed, healed, in a high-rise building. Through the enormous windows there are dirigibles floating everywhere! A sight to behold!

Here’s another sight to behold: Rebecca shows up in her sexy underwear, fresh out of the shower, with a bottle of scotch in one hand. Yeah, buddy. Fill that glass to the brim.

She tells Grant that the shaman didn’t want to help at first until his kids were bawling. The kids are next door with Shawn, by the way, playing Guitar Hero or something. “We finally jumped into a place where everything isn’t immediately trying to kill us,” she adds.

Grant gets briefed: “The Pillar is fucked.”

Grant gets briefed further: “And we don’t have any of the materials to fix it.”

After throwing his own pity party, Grant circles back to the original problem at hand: someone tried to sabotage the Pillar. Remember? I barely do! Rebecca doesn’t want to even bother thinking about that until they’re all safe at home. Whenever that will be. Good thing they seem to be in some sort of advanced tech world. Maybe they can scrounge up some unobtainium sooner rather than later.

They’ve already pillaged some useful goodies, though! That’s a start. Maybe a couple more lucky jumps will allow them to get some more stuff they need, right? Optimism and all that.

Grant’s like “Well, good thing Ward is here. Good ol’ Ward. Definitely-Not-Dead Ward, right where we need him. He’ll continue to be a great asset to our team! Never gonna let you down, never gonna die Ward. Love that guy. How’s he doing?”

Black Science, Issue #4

Hey, the locals are just as smart as we are!

Awkward… let’s leave that unpleasantness for now. Downstairs in the lobby, where the many alien specimens meet and greet, Chandra was able to pawn her gold bracelet for some cash for the vending machine. This stuff might be edible and not at all poisonous, who knows? Who cares? Gotta eat or we’ll all die, that’s my motto.

“We need to talk,” Chandra says to Kadir. “It’s important we’re on the same page, Kadir.”

“Talk?” he responds, mouth full of dog food or whatever was in that vending machine.

“I saw what happened. I saw you leave Ward behind.”

Kadir chokes on his puppy chow, but Chandra assures him that it’s ok. “It was the right move,” she says, groping Kadir’s inner thigh. “Self-preservation is a basic instinct. And Ward was going to make things difficult. Now he can’t push you around anymore.”

Uh oh! Drama! Let’s leave that ugly scene and see what Shawn and the kids are up to. Shawn is marveling at all the new alien species they’ve encountered during their stay! Like, wowzers! Far out, man! Meanwhile, the kids are huddled up in bed with nary a wink of sleep ‘tween the two of them. “Nate needs his insulin,” Pia says. “Mom told me to bring some with. But I forgot. Didn’t think we’d stay at the lab very long.”

Insulin! Insulin my left foot! Who needs insulin?! CHECK OUT THE ALIENS!

Pia imagines that her mom found the insulin. She imagines that her mom has been calling the lab for hours and hours now. Maybe the police have shown up by now, too. Shawn assures her that, pretty soon, they’ll all be back at home. “Rebecca, Grant, and I built the Pillar. We can fix it.”

Black Science, Issue #4

Well, sure, there’s that. But look on the bright side! He only forgot, like, eight of your birthdays!

Shawn is taken aback by this weird “asshole” remark. Shawn’s about ready to suck Grant’s dick as a rebuttal, actually. That’ll show Pia. “Look… I know this has been scary. But you gotta have some faith in your old man. He knows what he’s doing.”

Almost concurrently with Shawn’s stupid-ass words, a giant figure ZZRRPs into existence. The figure is wearing a gas mask so we can’t see his face, but I’m certain it’s Richard Lewis’ ghost. “They’re here,” he says into a radio. “Alive and well. They’re with him.”

“Hurry then,” responds the voice at the other end. “Get them back!”

“Don’t worry. They won’t be making anymore jumps. We’ll all be together again soon.”

Final Thoughts

This comic better hurry up on making me care about what’s going on because all I’ve seen so far is a sexy, scantily clad engineer and something about a Pillar? I haven’t been paying much attention at all! Where the hell is Superman at, by the way?


Click here to ridicule this post!

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #16 – “Last Days (Part 1)”

* Part 1 of 4 of the Last Days storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #16 – “Last Days (Part 1)”! In the previous storyline, a handsome sumbitch named Kamran enters Kamala’s life for about six hours before he reveals himself to be Inhuman too. And not just any Inhuman, one of them jerk Inhumans who thinks he’s better than actual humans. Ms. Marvel fucks his shit up.

These are the final few issues of the Marvel NOW! Ms. Marvel series. You best believe I’ll be moving onto some other Kamala Khan stories in the near future. That girl has got it goin’ on.

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #16 [August, 2015]
Written by: G. Willow Wilson
“Last Days (Part 1)”

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #16

On the Jersey City Waterfront (where it smells like hot garbage), Kamala talks about how she hasn’t contacted Kamran in any way for three weeks, two days, and seventeen hours. But who’s counting?

“It’s gotten so bad that I’ve started processing my feelings with random strangers,” she thinks as she bugs people on the street about heartbreak and hopelessness. A laugh riot! She crams a hot dog full of onions and tomatoes and lettuce in her gaping maw. Kamala has been bingeing on hot dogs lately and it’s not a pretty sight. “Every day I wake up, and for a second, I forget. And for that second, it’s fine. I feel normal. Then I remember. After that comes the panic attack.”

The hot dog vendor is like “uh-huh” as she continues pouring her heart out about this one kid she knew for 10 hours before he turned out to be a horrible jerkass.

Like a drunk at a bar, she gets cut off from the hot dogs. She stumbles away from the cart looking like she’s about to shit her teenage pants. Then she realizes the crowd is running the hell away from something! Godzilla, or maybe Jeff Goldblum? Something happened in the Financial District! It came from the sky! Oh god! Oh god!

Kamala runs the opposite way, likely intending to be some sort of hero about town. Terrorists? Aliens? Helicopters hover over the waterfront. “I’ve never seen panic like this before. What could possibly be this terrifying?”

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #16

WOOZLE WAZZLE WUZZLE! BOOGITY BOOGITY!!

Kamala leaps under the dock and surreptitiously becomes Ms. Marvel, the awkward lanky teenager we’ve all come to “enjoy”. The crowd continues stammering and stuttering about the huge thing in the sky coming right toward them. Ms. Marvel enlongs her feet in order to float herself across the river – essentially walking across water like Jesus. Jesus did that, right? He did something at least.

“I don’t get it. There’s no smoke, no fire, no loud explosions. None of the things I was afraid of. Just a bunch of people freaking out for no discernible reason.” I’M TELLING YOU, LADY, IT’S JEFF FREAKIN’ GOLDBLUM! And he’s wearing a gray suit!

She crosses the border into New York City, which is glowing red. She looks up all like “whuzzat” and it’s a giant red planet! Like, so close that it’s just about landing on their heads! And, as I recall, this business all kicked off in New Avengers, but since I read that like two years ago I don’t remember anything that happened anymore! Feel free to skim at your own leisure.

“When I said a broken heart feels like the end of the world… this isn’t quite what I was talking about,” she thinks as she gapes at the gargantuan planetary mass hanging over her. Curious that she couldn’t see it until she ended up in Manhattan. What gives?

She decides to turn around and get ahead of the crowd. Meanwhile, at the Circle Q, Bruno and his brother Bald Hat stand out front holding baseball bats trying to fend off any punks who try to steal Twinkies and lottery tickets. Ms. Marvel appears and asks what all the hubbub is over here. Bald Hat Brother is like “blhablhabhalbahbab!! Riots!” Bruno asks what’s going on, and Ms. Marvel starts talking crazy talk about planets heading straight for Earth and they’ve got to do something before Earth is destroyed! Maybe she can get over to New Attilan! Talk to Queen Medusa! Maybe she can get off of her hedonistic ass for ten minutes and figure something out! Meanwhile, hunker down in the school. It was built to withstand robot attacks so it’s a good a place as any to duck and cover under 5.97×1023 kg celestial objects!

“Hey — come with us. It’s nuts out there,” Bruno says, trying to keep Ms. Marvel close because HE HAS A CRUSH ON HER, OOOOOOOOOHHHH. But she can’t. Someone has to go find some answers. This is probably Iron Man’s fault. It’s always Iron Man’s fault.

So she takes her leave and stomps down the streets again.

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #16

She said, adding to the chaos.

Ms. Marvel heads to Grove Street to make sure her family is ok. She enters her house to find it BEREFT OF FAMILY MEMBERS. Empty. Well… almost empty.

“Where is everybody?” Kamala says.

“They’re all fine,” answers a voice. “For now.”

It’s Kamran in a shitty turtleneck, looking sexy as a kick in the titty. Kamala is about to giant-fist him in the face until he tells her that her parents are upstairs “taking a little nap”. As in, he zapped them with his zappy powers. LOL! And for Aamir, Kamala’s shiftless brother, he’s somewhere safe and about to be exposed to an ultra-concentrated dose of Terrigen Mist! Isn’t that just the bee’s knees? You see, Aamir might be Inhuman too! He was in the basement of the mosque when the Terrigen Bomb dropped, so he wasn’t exposed. It’s exposure time! 50-50 shot at developing powers here, let’s gooooooo!

“If you join us on the right side of history… maybe he will,” Kamran says. And here I am thinking that we were done with this nerd. Kamala insists that Aamir’s a loser who would never agree to help Kamran and his kind. And Kamran’s about two sentences away from Fist City, so he better wise up tout suite!

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #16

Again, hello? You knew him for 10 hours before he went into Cunt Mode.

“We could have done great things together,” he says. “You were the one who decided to walk away.” Kamran says that Kamala’s problem is that she doesn’t use the chaos to her advantage. She’s going to try to save people in Manhattan and then fail at it! He’s going to treat it like a convenient distraction and Inhumanize some motherfuckers.

Abu and Ammi come downstairs dazed and confused. Someone spiked their tea with fentanyl! Kamala is like, oh good, you’re alive! Now run away, there’s something happening in New York City and it’s not another pesky 9/11. Go to the school, Bruno will take good care of you. He’s holding a bat!

Abu is like “fuck off, dear”, but Kamala doesn’t have time for Abu’s fat shenanigans. Time to find Aamir before he gets Misted like that movie about the mist. I think it’s called The Mist? But first she has to make sure the school is secure. Ugh, being a superhero is too hard! I wish I were an ice cream taste tester!

At the school, the jocks and the geeks are coming together for a common goal: staving off rioters. But then something very comic-booky happens: two whale-like creatures pop out of the ground. “You are about to be pwned by Loki, God of Mischief. All hail Loki.”

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #16

Once again, G. Willow Wilson has her finger on the pulse of Gen Z internet language.

These two creatures, summoned by Loki, or are Loki, continue chasing the rioters until they catch up with Ms. Marvel who is like “?”. Then Ms. Marvel asks Bruno and Co. what the situation is at the school. And it’s basically “50 people have Cheetos to eat”, so everything is quite hunky dory. Ms. Marvel walks into the gymnasium and everyone is like “YAY MS. MARVEL!” even though none of this will stop a planet attack. But whatever.

Ms. Marvel continues crying about how her two-minute crush betrayed her, then she goes on the roof to scope things out further. “Why does everything have to be so hard? When does it get easier? I need to pull it together. I’ll get a little fresh air, I’ll stop crying and I’ll make a plan.”

“Looks like you could use some backup,” says a voice from behind as Ms. Marvel stares at the orange sky. “Nice uniform.” It’s Captain Marvel, the former Ms. Marvel. “Still not sure how I feel about the name.”

TO BE CONTINUED

Final Thoughts

I understand the sentiment, but everyone’s dumb for thinking that hanging out in the school gym for no reason and drinking Mountain Dew is going to help anything.

This is too big for Ms. Marvel, so luckily a bunch of other useless Avengers are going to show up! I’m expecting a real meeting of the minds. Hulkface and Captain “Butt Brains” America are a good start as well.


Click here to ridicule this post!

St. Elmo’s Fire (1985)

Tagline:
The passion burns deep.

Wide Release Date:
June 28, 1985

Directed by:
Joel Schumacher
Written by:
Joel Schumacher, Carl Kurlander
Produced by:
Lauren Shuler

Starring:
Rob Lowe
Demi Moore
Emilio Estevez
Ally Sheedy
Judd Nelson
Mare Winningham
Andrew McCarthy

St. Elmo's Fire

PREGAME THOUGHTS

Is this the quintessential Brat Pack movie? Or is that The Breakfast Club? St. Elmo’s Fire sure is jam-packed with these attractive dorks, though. You’ve got Ally Sheedy. What’s-his-name. Rob Lowe sure looks like he’s wearing a lot of makeup…

I don’t know a damn thing about this movie! Maybe I should shut my yap.

THE 500(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

Seven members of the Brat Pack have just graduated college! Kirby (Emilio Estevez) is a waiter at St. Elmo’s Bar with a creepy infatuation. Billy (Rob Lowe) plays saxophone in the bar for money and girls and is a fucking loser. Kevin (Andrew McCarthy) barely writes for the Washington Post and is cynical and depressed. Jules (Demi Moore) is an international banker with a coke addiction. Alec (Judd Nelson) works for a Republican congressman and has a penchant for promiscuity. Leslie (Ally Sheedy) is a prospective architect who doesn’t want to marry Alec. Wendy (Mare Winningham) is a social worker who is kind of a dork with no discernible personality.

St. Elmo's Fire

We’re a whole bunch of loveable screwballs!!

What follows is a veritable comedy of errors. Enjoy my long paragraph. Billy drives drunk and nearly kills Wendy. While at the hospital, Kirby talks to his college crush Dale (Andie MacDowell) who works there as an intern. Billy loses the job that Alec helped him get. Alec pressures Leslie into marrying him while admitting to Kevin that he is having sex with other women. Billy crashes at Kirby and Kevin’s apartment to get away from his wife. Wendy admits to Billy that she’s a virgin, and before a sexy time happens she gets self-conscious and wants to remain platonic friends. Jules admits to Leslie that she’s having an affair with her boss. During a show at the bar, Billy sees his wife with another man and starts a fight. Jules insists to Leslie and Wendy that everything is under control with her life even with her affair and her constant spending. Kirby starts working as an assistant for a rich Korean guy and immediately throws a party at his house to impress Dale, who doesn’t show up. Wendy starts a relationship with a man named Howie and brings him to the party. Alec announces loudly to the party that he and Leslie are engaged, which isn’t true and pisses her off. Her hunch about his cheating is correct and the two break up. Billy tries to feel up Jules during a ride home. Kirby stalks Dale at a ski lodge where she and her boyfriend are staying. He kisses her very inappropriately and leaves. After the breakup, Leslie crashes at Kevin/Kirby’s apartment and discovers that Kevin has, like, hundreds of pictures of her. Instead of finding this creepy, she indulges in Kevin’s infatuation with her and they do a fuck. Alec catches them the next morning. Jules loses her job and her money and she barricades herself in her apartment to try to freeze to death near an open window. The rest of the group tries to save her from herself. Alec almost kills Kevin by hanging him over a fire escape. Billy busts into the apartment and makes Jules feel better.

St. Elmo's Fire

Look, kid. Test your luck in Pretty in Pink next time.

Wendy moves out of her parents’ house. Billy intends to move to New York City. When they say bye to him at the bus station, Leslie tells both Kevin and Alec that she wants to be alone for a little while. Kevin and Alec kiss and make up. Everyone is happy at the end for some reason and, thankfully, the movie is over.

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — Why I Hated Every Character

Let’s break it down, shall we?

Rob Lowe – The movie begins with Lowe’s character driving drunk and almost killing Mare Winningham’s character. Hilarious, right?! Lowe laughs it off, so we the audience laugh it off, too! Ha ha ha! Never mind the fact that he pretty much date rapes Demi Moore, he also gives Mare Winningham shit for being a virgin and then does her a favor by taking her virginity? Oh, but he plays the saxophone, so that’s cool. The only redeeming action this piece of shit takes is talking Demi Moore out of killing herself by rocking back and forth in a fetal position in front of an open window, and even then it’s all like “hardy har, look how cute I am.” Fuck Rob Lowe.

St. Elmo's Fire

Yeah, boy! You suck that sax’s dick.

Ally Sheedy – She’s right to avoid marrying Judd Nelson, but she’s a complete doormat whose “hunch” that Nelson is cheating on her with a million different women doesn’t dissuade her completely from moving on. She then uses Andrew McCarthy after he spills his guts to her, only to break his heart a day later. She ain’t no saint. Also, an aspiring architect or graphic designer or whatever? I didn’t see her do one creative thing! Boo, Ally Sheedy. Boo.

Judd Nelson – A young Democratic college student turns into a young Republican within months of leaving college? What kind of asshole is this guy? He obnoxiously persistent in trying to get Sheedy to marry him to the point where he suggests having sex with no protection to get her pregnant. All because he thinks this will automatically cause him to start being faithful? Fuck this scumbag with a capsaicin-laced 16-inch dildo.

Demi Moore – Snort another line of coke, why don’t you, you fucking basket case. The climax of the movie revolves around her trying to commit suicide via freezing to death in her apartment and the rest of the gang trying to help her help herself. Nothing in the movie hints at this particular lead-in to such a desperate action on her part, except maybe getting extremely sexually harassed by Rob Lowe and maybe, maybe, losing a job she barely had in the first place. Nobody cares, Demi Moore.

Mare Winningham – Portrayed as fat and ugly when she is neither fat nor particularly ugly, she dresses like a grandma and wears a girdle. Winningham is hopelessly in love with Rob Lowe even though he’s a completely sleazy pretty boy who almost drunk-drove her into oblivion. Lowe pops her cherry, which I think was supposed to be this heartwarming gesture but it made me sick to my stomach. It’s a wonder why anyone else in the clique even liked her in the first place. What a fucking loser.

St. Elmo's Fire

How did the chick with the glasses get here?

Andrew McCarthy – Easily the most sympathetic of all the characters, which is saying a lot because he’s a tiresome cynic who spends half the movie whining about love and then the other half of the movie boning Ally Sheedy and getting dumped immediately after. He’s a creep who has a million photos of Sheedy in his apartment, which she finds charming? Go jump in a lake, McCarthy.

Emilio Estevez – I saved the worst for last, of course, because Estevez is such an utterly batshit psychopath that he’s stalking a woman he went out on one date with years ago. It obviously didn’t go well, and Andie MacDowell spends the majority of her screen time being impossibly nice and patient with him. At one point, Estevez follows her to a fancy party and declares his obsession to her, soaking wet from the rain and looking like a deranged baboon. Following this, MacDowell invites him back to her apartment to explain to him why she shouldn’t be put on a pedestal. You know, instead of immediately getting a restraining order. And before he inappropriately bends MacDowell over and kisses her while her boyfriend is away for two minutes, she says the following to him. This crazed lunatic. “I don’t really know you that well, but you seem like a fine person, and I want you to know that I’m flattered by all this. Deep down, I’m sure for a long time I’ll wonder if somehow, this isn’t my loss.” It’s beyond unbelievable. What horrible writing. What a terrible side plot. I’m going to go hang a picture of Estevez on my wall and punch a hole through it.

TOPIC 2 — General Movie Thoughts

This movie was a turd. I understand the premise that life after college isn’t all roses and pudding and gloryholes anymore, and that the slow disillusionment that creeps up on college graduates is relatable, but this movie doesn’t feel like it’s supposed to be about that at all. It’s about a bunch of self-centered, obnoxious pricks being completely unlikeable jerks to one another. It’s about creepy infatuations and acting on completely unhealthy impulses. It’s about Rob Lowe with a fucking saxophone. This movie had potential, but that required likeable characters who actually seemed like they all enjoyed each other’s company back in college. Everyone’s relationship with one another is a complete train wreck, indicating to me that it was somewhat of a train wreck in college too, and that these people are toxic to one another.

I can’t reiterate enough how grotesque the Emilio Estevez subplot is. He basically molests Andie MacDowell and then drives off triumphantly. Are we, as an audience, supposed to side with this “nice guy” archetype? Are we supposed to pump our fists in the air along with him? Are we supposed to treat this as a lesson, that it’s ok to force kisses on our crushes who are clearly not interested?? Not cool, man.

St. Elmo's Fire

Andie MacDowell’s skin will be perfect for my collection.

Seeing everyone’s lives fall apart within the course of a few days is funny, though! That’s all I got out of it.

I don’t have any other general movie thoughts. Ally Sheedy is cute.

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

Much like her character, Demi Moore (Jules) had a drug problem when she was cast in the film. One day, director Joel Schumacher actually demanded that she leave the set because she was really high. Moore had to go through rehab and promise to stay clean in order to play a character with a drug problem.
A lot was on the line here, because Demi Moore’s involvement in St. Elmo’s Fire would have made or broken the movie completely! Remember that scene where she did the thing? Neither do I.

The interchanges between Kevin (Andrew McCarthy) and the hooker were based on a conversation between a hooker and a limo driver that Joel Schumacher had once overheard.
Yeah. Sure. A hooker and a “limo driver”. “Overheard”. How much did that “conversation” cost you, Schumacher?

Joel Schumacher originally had felt that Rob Lowe wasn’t right for the part of Billy. Only after repeated phone calls from his agent and a passionate speech about why he wanted the part did Rob eventually get it.
You’re going to tease me with a reference to a passionate speech and not even give me a transcription? “Mr. Lowe is dedicated to the craft of acting, looks as pretty as a sunrise, and can hold a saxophone with unparalleled aplomb.” That’s just one sentence out of 750.

St. Elmo's Fire

Plus, the dude looks great sopping wet. Hubba hubba.

Columbia Pictures hated the title, going so far as to send a 35-page memo listing all of their issues with the proposed title and suggesting such alternatives as The Real World and Sparks.
Now this sounds like fodder for a passionate speech! Let me see if I can summarize the memo:

“St.”? why that could be confused with “street.”
“Elmo’s”? Nobody likes Elmo! The worst Muppet!
“Fire”? You’re fired! Fuck you!

Playing roommates in the movie, actors Emilio Estevez (Kirby Keger) and Andrew McCarthy (Kevin Dolenz) roomed together to prepare for their roles in the film.
They jerked each other off, too.

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

No, not at all. Everyone is annoying. Skip it.


Click here to ridicule this post!

Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #3 – “Son of Superman (Part 3)”

* Part 3 of 6 of the Son of Superman storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #3 – “Son of Superman (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, a red herring from Issue #1 shows us that Superman wasn’t taking Jon to eradicate him in a gas chamber for his crimes against felinity, but instead taking him to rescue a submarine from an ice floe and/or an enormous squid. They bond over this weird moment.

Kathy Branden, the girl next door, tries to touch Jon Kent’s hand while they were sitting in a tree, but then Jon fell and got a concussion like a wuss.

A lava-like Superman insignia flies out of the ground near the submarine and finds its way to the Fortress of Solitude, where it absorbed artifacts lying around the place and formed some sort of weird Lava Superman. That’s really dumb and I hope it gets forgotten very soon!

Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #3 [September, 2016]
Written by: Peter Tomasi
“Son of Superman (Part 3)”

Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #3

Outside the Fortress of Solitude, Superman carries Jon’s lifeless body with Lois in tow. They need to go there to see what’s wrong with little Jonny, I guess, instead of, like, going to a doctor’s office. Mostly, they need to figure out why this seemingly indestructible kid got hurt. And furthermore, t–

“WE HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU, KAL-EL. WE HAVE TRAVELED LONG AND FAR TO SAVE US.”

Superman sees this imposter lava-born Superman and barely bats an eye. All like “I’m going to make short work of you right here, right now” and then lunges at him with the force of a bullet train.

“TELL ME!” Superman screams, fists a’flyin’. “Why do you look like the Eradicator?!”

“BECAUSE WE ARE THE ERADICATOR,” it responds.

Meanwhile, Lois is flailing while the walls start crumbling around her. The Eradicator, as I recall from an issue of some 2000s Superman comic, exists to restore anything Kryptonian and eradicate anything that’s not Kryptonian. So, in true form, the Eradicator here wants to save Krypton (which already exploded). Superman is like “no dice!”

Jon Kent regains consciousness just in time for Lois to tell the kid to hurry out of the way with her.

The Eradicator has no choice but to beat Superman into submission! Good luck with that. Superman is as stubborn as seven mules.

Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #3

Now come give me a kiss, sailor!

“Who’s that guy fighting with Dad?” Jon asks.

“Someone dangerous from our past,” Lois responds. “That’s all you need to know.”

Jon is compelled to help Pops, but your father is SUPERMAN, kiddo! He could get whacked over the head with a comically oversized dildo for hours without even breaking a sweat! He’ll be fine.

KRREKRRA! That’s the inscrutable sound of walls crumbling! “You’ve got no chance of convincing me of anything except to put you down fast and hard,” Superman proclaims, obviously struggling to a great degree.

Eradicator has sunglasses on, looking all like Hunter S. Thompson or @dril, claiming that this should be a day of CELEBRATION. He catches a giant slab of glass that had almost fallen on top of Lois and Jon, and he advises the woman and the boy to get out of the fucking way. Superman is floored by this. “…He… saved them.”

*cue lively opening credits*

Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #3

…it’s your grades! Only a B+ in math? I’m going to kill you, son!

Anyway, that was fun. Now that the Eradicator is suddenly a Nice Boy, Superman has time to prop Jon up in a chair and take a look-see into his vitals. Eradicator stands there and stares at the procedure, which involves shining a beam of light at Jon’s torso. He has to lie there until they get a complete diagnostic, which could take upwards of thirteen years to complete. Here, have a Rubik’s cube.

Jon wants to go home, but Lois says tough titties. There’s inconsistency in his invulnerability. One minute he’s getting hit by cars without a scratch, next minute he’s choking on popsicle sticks! Perhaps Jon’s body is still adapting to puberty superpowers.

Now back to Eradictor! What are you doing here in the first place, sir? Who invited you anyway? The Queen of England? ‘Cause she’s dead!

“WE ARE HERE BECAUSE WE ARE FATED TO BE HERE. AFTER ASSIMILATING PERSONAL OBJECTS WITHIN YOUR FORTRESS, WE NOW WEAR YOUR HOUSE SYMBOL PROUDLY.” But before they started looking for The Superman, there was a secret protocol that they had to comply with while Krypton was still an actual planet in the sky.

The protocol was created by General Zod. The Eradicators were tasked with arresting any Kryptonian lawbreakers on his list by whatever means necessary. If that meant luring them into a giant mousetrap with giant cheese, then so be it.

“GENERAL ZOD DIRECTED US TO DRAW OUT THE LAWBREAKERS’ LIFE FORCE AND TRANSFER THEM TO A PHANTOM ZONE PROJECTOR WHERE THEY WOULD AWAIT TRIAL.”

Things are getting stupid again! Look out!

Bodies were held in cryo-chambers while they awaited trial. Eradicators scoured the entire planet of Krypton for lawbreakers. Then Krypton started exploding! Eradicators were sort of destroyed, sort of, I guess! But they also witnessed the explosion! And then they saw one little rocket containing one little baby flying away from the planet! And then they had a new mission! Look for the sole survivor!

And that’s you, Superman, you lucky so-and-so!

Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #3

In short, stop boning that human broad you call your wife.

The Eradicator has another mission, because he’s just chock full of missions. They’re going to take Jon and bolster his Kryptonian genome to undermine his human genome. Essentially, eradicate half of him. We’ll start with the torso and go down!

So then the Eradicator starts glowing, and Superman is like “what the hell are you doing, you lousy bag of poop?” Then the Eradicator blasts Jon with brilliant yellow light, making him yelp and squirm.

Then the Eradicator somehow eats Superdog, who I’m just mentioning for the first time. That’s another dumb thing that happens. Jon gets so sad and mad that his eyes start glowing a dangerous red. And now he means business. And business is booming.

Final Thoughts

I don’t know, man. Why can’t I just read comics where Superman is throwing a football around with his boy and going “GOOD JOB SON I’M SO PROUD” and then they go home and eat spaghetti and avoid all this Eradicator nonsense. And it is nonsense! Don’t tell me it’s not.

Ugh. DC. You’re so much worse than Marvel. It’s a shame.


Click here to ridicule this post!