Death Note, Vol. 2, Chapter 14 – “Temptation”

* Part 6 of 9 of Vol. 2 – “Confluence” *

Welcome to Manga Cum Loudly Presents: Death Note, Vol. 2, Chapter 14: “Temptation”! In the previous installment, this woman who is not actually named “Shouko” outsmarted the shit out of Raito, and he has five minutes to learn her real name before she makes it to the police station. Meanwhile, Ryuuku tries to goad him into accepting some Shinigami eyes, immediately cutting his lifespan in half. Raito thinks that plan sucks eggs.

At the hotel, Watari shows up and he’s an old man. He gives the detectives fake badges with no names on them, which is much dumber than just giving them NO badges. Undercover is the way to go.

Oh well.

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 14
Written by: Tsugumi Ohba
Illustrated by: Takeshi Obata
“Temptation”

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 14

“So when you absolutely must say who you are, you use this fake badge.”

“Okay.”

No arm-twisting here! By now, these cats have spent 19 hours in the hotel room repeating themselves.

L tells them not to use it in the police station, because that would be Trouble with a capital T.

Watari takes out belts and tells them all they must wear one. Yeah, sure, around their necks while they jerk it right here in this hotel room. “There’s a transmitter hidden in the buckle,” Watari explains like he’s fucking Lucius Fox rom Batman with all the hookups. “This way, Ryuuzaki will always know your location.”

Yeah, so he can keep a close eye on them while he jerks it right here in this hotel room.

“Also… if you press the buckle twice… my cell phone will ring,” says Watari, demonstrating and holding up his phone smugly. How dumb is this shit? Press the buckle three times and it’ll blow up your dick.

So, carry on with your normal daily routines at the station (like jerkin’ it! Ha! Ok, I’ll stop now), and then immediately check into your hotel rooms after returning! Press the buckle or whatever. The Artist Formerly Known as L will need to know when you all are back and whatnot.

Oh, and someone needs to head back to HQ so that things don’t look suspicious! Eeny meeny miny moe, how about Aisawa! You stupid bitch, you’re it!

“ALRIGHT. IT SHOULDN’T TAKE MORE THAN FIVE MINUTES TO GET BACK THERE,” Aisawa says importantly to a room full of people who know exactly how long it takes to get to HQ since they, like, work there too.

Anyway, what’s going on with Raito and that lady who is 100x smarter than him?

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 14

You had it coming, you little snotnose.

Gotta figure out her name. Gotta figure out her name. It’s not Shouko, but what else could it be? Sakura? Kanako? Etsuko? Mai? Alice? Chiaki? Hinata? Gertrude? Kevin?

So many to choose from and there are only *checks Apple Watch* three minutes left. Oh jumping jesus shit! What to do?

He approaches her. “Yes?” she asks, puzzled that this dumb kid is still following her even a little bit.

“The truth is, it’s impossible to contact the investiagators,” Raito says calmly, like he knows what he’s talking about with respect to anything unrelated to JERKIN’ IT! Hahaha, I will never stop!

Bolstered with confidence, he continues his trickery and deception! “Do you think it’s weird that there is nobody at the headquarters?” he asks her, getting it IN THE BAG as we speak. And she agrees that the weirdness is a bit odd. Even strange, you might say. And weird, too, I guess.

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 14

The strategy involves extensive plastic surgery, burning off the fingerprints, and a complete removal of the penis and balls.

He all but tells her to stop nosing around or else there may be about five million more deaths. Remember what happened to your fiancé? *drags finger across throat in the international gesture of “your fiancé got fucked”* So knock it off!

“I understand,” Fake-Shouko concedes. I don’t know this silver-tongued motherfucker keeps winning these conversations. I wouldn’t be swayed by his greasy-haired lack of anything that I could call charm. He looks like he smells like barbecue Fritos. “Hehe, Raito, you’re such a smooth talker,” Ryuuku grins, ready to jump this kid’s bones the first chance he gets.

“I’m trying to make her reveal her name,” Raito whispers or performs telepathy or something. “It’s a crucial moment right now, so could you just shut it for a second, Ryuuku.” Oooooooh, we’re getting testy! ♪♫ Someone’s nervous. ♫♪♫♪

When asked how he knows everything about the Kira investigation’s secret methods and their secret operations and why HQ is empty and this “unknown investigation team” nonsense, Raito’s only response is getting bug-eyed and going “!”.

“That is because…”

…

*ten minutes of complete awkward silence*

…

“…I guess I’ll just have to tell you…”

…

*fifteen minutes of awkward jerkin’* lol

“…it’s because I am a member of that investigation team.”

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 14

Yeah. A member of the East Asian Man Boy Love Association.

Now it’s Ryuuku’s turn to go “!”. You can tell he’s completely eating this up. Like a bowl of syrup.

He discusses L’s complete management of the case and his unhappiness with the lack of progress. He talks about how fucking smart he is and that, even though he’s still in high school, he has helped solve about a thousand cases for the incompetent police force. This is why Raito can move in and out of headquarters like he’s the Man. The Man About Town.

OK, the lady is convinced! Raito’s story is not only airtight, but even a little bit sexy! “That’s enough then,” she says. “I’ve told L everything I know.”

“Not yet,” Raito glares like a murderous imp. “I don’t know your name yet!!” Now, look here. I’d find the double exclamation points extremely suspicious. Little does Raito know, this woman has yet another surprise for him.

“I worked under L to solve a case two years ago in the States. Even though we only communicated through the computer, I believe there is no case that L cannot solve.”

This is a bombshell to end all bombshells. This woman used to be an FBI agent? Well, screw me sideways. A WOMAN IN THE FBI? Agent Dana Scully over here can be very useful to Raito now! He can be Mulder! “I can learn a lot from you,” he smiles.

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 14

No comment on this. Use your own imagination. You don’t need much of one.

It’s a good thing that Raito is part of the team! Not-Shouko intended to talk to the team and she just talked to the team! Mission accomplished!

“But, why would you tell me all the things that you’re going to tell L?” the kid asks, puzzled. And he’s not often puzzled. Unless he’s doing a 1000-piece puzzle.

It’s because she now trusts him. Even though they met 20 minutes ago. I don’t even trust people I met 20 years ago.

After a moment’s deliberation, Raito says something bold. “Let’s work on this case together.” This kid will go as far as he can to try to kill this woman. “Become a member of our team. This way, you can speak directly with L. No, you can catch Kira yourself.” How tempting! I’d rather stuff a watermelon in my butthole than spend two extra minutes with this kid. “We need someone like you.”

He just needs identification.

“Fate must want you to be on the team,” Raito smiles. Again, Ryuuku loves it. LOVES it. “Hoho, amazing Raito. Human females can’t resist the allure of ‘fate’.”

A snag in the plan is that Not-Shouko lives in the United States. It’s going to be tough for her to really be involved, you know. Now where’s that identification?

“We were planning to get married this spring and move to America afterwards… what am I going to do now?”

I don’t know, man. Find some new blowjob to marry? Identification, please.

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 14

Ma’am, license and registration please. You were going way below the speed limit on this conversation.

After she finally agrees to join the team, she apologizes to Raito for initially giving him a fake name. She coughs up her Japanese identification card.

Misora Naomi.

“What a stupid girl. It was so easy to get this,” Raito laughs to himself. He continues some idle chit chat. Aisawa passes by Raito on the sidewalk, heading for HQ, as Ratio starts jotting down all his Death Note information:

Misora Naomi

Suicide

2004, January 1st, 1:25 pm

not to bother anyone else.

suicide in a secretive place only she knows of.

body will be difficult to find.

will think about suicide henceforth.

death within 48 hours.

“Um…why are you always checking your watch?” Naomi asks, concerned.

“Oh, this? That’s because…it’s because of Kira,” he winks devilishly!

“Huh?”

“What’s the supposed to mean?”

The watch hits 1:25pm.

START!

Naomi does an about-face and starts walking away. “I have something I must do,” she says, vaguely. Raito pulls out his phone. “Oh, it seems like my dad finally called back. Want to talk to him?”

“There is nothing to talk about.”

Naomi continues to walk away.

Farewell, Misora Naomi.

Final Thoughts

MY PREDICTION. This woman’s constitution is too strong for actual suicide. Ryuuku is going to be all “ho ho ho ho ho ho ho, suicide won’t work on this woman because it would never, ever be a reasonable consideration! Ho ho ho!”

And then Raito will panic before an evening of sadness masturbation.


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Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #17 – “Last Days (Part 2)”

* Part 2 of 4 of the Last Days storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #17 – “Last Days (Part 2)”! In the previous installment, a giant fucking red planet that may or may not be Mars is crashing down onto Manhattan, and, meanwhile, Kamala Khan cries over the crush that betrayed her. Boo hoo, it’s called being a stinky teenager.

But now there’s bigger fish to fry. AN ENTIRE PLANET IS LANDING ON THEIR HEADS, I said. And Kamala can’t handle it alone…

So Captain Marvel shows up to be as equally helpless, so let’s see how that will turn out for everyone involved.

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #17 [October, 2015]
Written by: G. Willow Wilson
“Last Days (Part 2)”

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #17

Here, let me do the G. Willow Wilson recap! — “SUPERPOWERS, YES! PARENTS, BOOO!! PUBERTY??? NO WAY, GIRLFRIEND!”

Captain Marvel looks like a total cyberpunk in her getup. It’s awesome. Ms. Marvel is completely star struck and starfucked. She tries not to gibber and embarrass herself as Carol Danvers IN THE FLESH asks her if she’s ok.

“EVERYTHING SUCKS EXCEPT FOR YOU!” Ms. Marvel screams, embarrassing herself in front of her hero Carol “Captain Marvel” Danvers McGee. The two Marvels meet and greet. Captain Marvel compliments Ms. Marvel’s lightning bolt… uh… thing… on her… costume?

“I didn’t mean to camp out on your old alias – a lot of really weird things happened right around the time I got my powers, and it just sort of seemed like fate–” she begins, but Captain Marvel not unkindly tells her to shut the cunt up and listen. “How much do you know about what’s happening right now in Manhattan?” And when Ms. Marvel says it looks like the end of the world, Captain just stares at her like “well shit”.

Captain starts talking about incursion zones and colliding planets, which I know I’ve come across already. But look here, we’re not going to get into it with the boring science hoopla! Heh heh. The important thing is, can the Avengers stop it?? And, well, uh, no. Not really. “There are some things you can’t punch your way out of, honey,” says Captain. “This is one of them.”

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #17

You think superheroes are supposed to “help people”. What kind of dank-ass weed are you smoking, sister?

Captain Marvel gets existential. The fate of the world was never in your command, but the fate of YOURSELF is yada yada yada. That’s actually why she’s here. To tell YOU, Ms. Marvel, that you make the choices and hope it works out and see ya *flies away at 400 mph*

“All right,” Ms. Marvel says. “I choose to keep fighting. And I’m gonna need your help.”

“My help? Listen, I’m not even really supposed to be here.”

“Please. One hour.”

Captain Marvel smiles and says “RARARRRRRRGGGHHH, FIIIIIINE”, then Ms. Marvel explains that her crush kidnapped her brother to turn him into a Terrigen Mist Monster! It would be a step up, but we need him back I guess. Captain Marvel thinks this is a colossal waste of her time, probably, but she and Ms. Marvel start gallivanting across town. Ms. Marvel is thrilled. All smiles.

So Ms. catches up Captain: we don’t know where Kamran is or what he’s doing or how or why. Something about a river and a warehouse next to some trees and also it’s on the ground.

And because Captain is already tired of her shit, she flings Ms. over to the next building.

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #17

Get yo dank ass outta here, sister.

Captain mentions that they’ll never get anywhere – crowds and cars are backed up for miles – even though they’re launching off rooftops. Then they hear a BOOM, which isn’t very boomy. Kind of a weak boom, actually, from the standpoint of explosions.

“What happened here,” Ms. Marvel asks, reaching ground level.

“Two guys were trying to strip the metal out of an electric transformer and it blew up!” says a man with a Hawaiian shirt holding a stuffed pig. “They went that way,” he continues, pointing.

It’s three guys wearing tracksuits and weird knight head armor. Ms. Marvel fights them. She wins. She strikes a superheroly post.

The ruffians insist that they knew what they were doing! They didn’t think the transformer would blow, they’re professional transformer metal strippers! “If this is really the beginning of the zombie apocalypse, copper and wire and PVC and all that stuff is gonna get scarce. Get it while you can.”

Captain Marvel has an idea: give the civilians actual purpose so that they stop freaking out and instead do something useful like not loot and steal. “What were you before you became professional agents of anarchy?”

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #17

“Punk electricians” sounds like my shitty alt-country band that no one likes.

Ms. Marvel tells these cats to go use their skills for Good instead of Evil. Go to the school and help the AV Club get a better Wi-Fi signal. Go! Shoo!

As they walk away sheepishly, Captain Marvel commends Ms. Marvel on her persuasive abilities. Then they skedaddle to look for Aamir for some reason. While they cavort across rooftops, Ms. Marvel asks how Captain Marvel found her. Basically, she’s not very inconspicuous. Everyone has been paying attention to her for forever. “A lot of people think very highly of you,” Captain says, obviously lying. The only one who’s very high here is Bruno.

“Really? People think I’m doing a good job? I feel like such a klutz most of the time – like I’m always on the verge of screwing everything up.” After Captain tells Ms. that even Iron Man feels that way sometimes, Ms. gets all “BUHHHH” and starts asking a million questions about him. What’s his favorite color? What’s his favorite food? I heard he was shooting up heroin 25 years ago and now he can’t get paid until he’s 2/3 through shooting a movie. She makes Captain uncomfortable after mentioning his delicious, oiled muscles. Kids these days and their out-of-control hormones.

The two of them make it to the Jersey City Wharf where there are indeed about 700,000,000 warehouses. Any other leads? Like, maybe a warehouse with a big banner that says “AAMIR IS HERE” or something equally useful? Ms. Marvel remembers being dragged here by Kamran in Issue #15! Kamran was a real dillhole, Captain Marvel. Not like that chiseled, big-dicked Iron Man.

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #17

Let’s keep our eyes on the goal before you feel weird and dead.

Captain and Ms. are distracted by the sound of crying in a window. Like a baby or Chris Crocker telling everyone to leave Britney alone. They punch through a window and discover about 100 abandoned cats. Ms. gets sad and wants to take them all with them. Captain is like “uhhhh, can’t save your brother while holding an army of cats.” And now another harsh lesson of superherodom: you can’t save everyone. Now book it, nerd. We have a useless brother to save! “I’ll be back kitties,” Ms. says sadly. “I’ll be back if I can.”

She won’t be back. Those cats are gonna be hella skeletons.

“I know our job sucks sometimes. Sometimes we have to choose between a bad thing and a worse thing. But you have to remember to take care of yourself. You’re important. People need you – people love you. More than you probably realize.”

Ms. takes that to heart for about a second before emotionally moving on. It’s nighttime now, and they’re still no closer to finding Aamir than when they–

KA-BOOM! Now there’s an explosion! The Anarchy Girl named Kaboom shows up to fuck with their shit. “You know what, Ms. Marvel?! You’ve got a real talent for stumbling into big trouble.”

And it’s, like, come on now. But hey, this is one of Lineage’s henchpeople. They must be on the right track!

After a brief fight, Kaboom is like “what the fuck is this two-against-one horse hockey?” Ms. Marvel ignores that and asks where Aamir is.

“You trying to be everywhere at once, huh? Good luck. Why can’t you just leave Aamir alone? Maybe he wants to make different choices than you did.”

“You all do an awful lot of kidnapping for people who pretend to be into free will and stuff.”

“You think you’re so smart. But when this is all over and we are on top, you’ll wish you’d joined the winning side.”

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #17

You smell like a middle school boy’s locker room, Zappy McFadden.

Captain Marvel grabs Zappy by the scruff and gets into her face. “Here’s whats going to happen: you’re going to tell us where Aamir is being held. Or I’m going to lose my temper.”

Yes ma’am, right away ma’am! She points to a building that’s literally seven feet away. “He’s there. With Kamran.”

And then a “You’re too late – it’s already started.”

Ms. Marvel pulls off a window and out comes a plume of green smoke. She pushes herself in the building while Captain Marvel urges her to wait and think things through first.

They find Aamir lying supine on the floor, shrouded in mist.

Wubba lubba dub dub!

Final Thoughts

This Aamir guy better be worth it, is all I’m saying. There’s a PLANET crashing down on EARTH for criminy’s sake! Chaos! Pandemonium! Looting looting looting!


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Cara Connors

Cara Connors

Cara Connors’ Official Website

JUMP TO:
(2023) Straight for Pay

Straight for Pay (2023)
Rating: Kinda Bad

Cara Connors - Straight for Pay

A standup comedian’s first job is supposed to make me laugh. Barring that, a standup comedian’s second job is to tell jokes. Barring THAT, they should at least tell a captivating story in a humorous way. Cara Connors doesn’t really do any of that. She only made me laugh a few times, she doesn’t do jokes so much as observations, and she doesn’t tell stories. I didn’t like Straight for Pay. To get the coveted Sucks rating, though, you have to be any egregious combination of unfunny, unoriginal, or aesthetically offensive. Cara Connors is none of these things either. I don’t even think I can chalk this one up to “not for me”, because maybe it was entirely too much for me.

I found Connors’ set painful and sad. Only Marc Maron can pull off being honest in a painful and sad way because Marc Maron is Marc Maron, and those who know what I mean by that will know what I mean by that! I don’t think this is Cara Connors’ thing. Her act strikes me as a little too real, like her past is so legitimately traumatic and depressing that it would take a mammoth effort to spin it into funny. I feel like Connors doesn’t succeed. Her sham marriage is saddening enough without having to hear about how she went all in on having seven bridesmaids. Her bitter contempt for straightness feels partly due to her attempt to pull it off for so long and failing herself in the process. She clearly has mother issues. She dates people younger than her due to self-confessed immaturity. Therapist infatuation. Panic attacks and social anxiety entering a bar. I wasn’t feeling good by the end of it, like something about all of it was causing me great distress. Like it was bringing up issues of my own (except for therapist infatuation, thank god).

BUT TOM, YOU’RE NOT A GAY WOMAN. Yes, thanks. I may not understand struggling with sexuality and relationships, but I do understand anxiety and depression so insinuating that Connors’ comedy “might not be for me”, while a perfectly valid observation on the surface, isn’t the problem. Give me Cameron Esposito or Tig Notaro over Connors any day.

There are good things! I won’t leave without mentioning the good things! She gave me a good guffaw with her “scream sneeze”, a sneeze that should only really come from dads who haven’t been paid any attention in 20 years. “Why is dad making that noise in the basement *AHHHHH* *AHHHHH*” I liked the observation that straight families, once the kids are born, never take any pictures with the husband in them anymore. I liked the observation because it’s absolutely fucking true, although in my defense I’m voluntarily opting out of getting my damn picture taken. I liked her brief crowd work at the very end of the set where she coached a guy to come up on stage and creepily ask “Are you guys sisters?” so that she could launch into a quick bit about Lindsay Lohan in The Parent Trap.

Sorry, Cara Connors. Maybe you’re nice and I shouldn’t be mean like this. If you ever read this, I’m very sorry. I’ll definitely check out your next special, though. Hopefully things get better.


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Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #4 – “Son of Superman (Part 4)”

* Part 4 of 6 of the Son of Superman storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #4 – “Son of Superman (Part 4)”! In the previous installment, the Kent family flies Jon to the Fortress of Solitude to give him a checkup, only to find THE ERADICATOR squatting on the premises! And, guess what? The Eradicator wants to eradicate the half of Jon that is human!

He’s going to cut him in half like the whole King Solomon thing, right? Right down the middle lengthwise.

Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #4 [October, 2016]
Written by: Peter Tomasi
“Son of Superman (Part 4)”

Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #4

“STAND DOWN, KAL-EL. WE ARE THE GUARDIAN OF THE KRYPTONIAN RACE. THE RACE YOU WILL RESTART AND LEAD TO FORM A NEW KRYPTON.”

So that was the Eradicator implying that Superman has to find a nice Kryptonian lady to fuck in order to repopulate a dead, exploded planet. The logic here is astoundingly good! Superman claims that this Eradicator cat is malfunctioning. Malfunctioning like a fox!

While the Eradicator hoots and hollers about Jon Kent being “impure”, Lois takes him to safety. And by “safety” I mean she falls down some stairs while Jon runs toward her. He feels all sad and guilty that he’s the reason all this is happening. Superman continues punching this Eradicator guy.

“After Goldie, I promised I wouldn’t kill again, but right now–” Jon grimaces with heat in his eyes.

“Jon, don’t listen to it – listen to me,” Lois implores. “You have the best of both worlds inside you. You can be great… choose to be.”

Jon twists his mouth into a face of DETERMINATION. He zips up his cute little Superman jacket and starts running back upstairs to the fray. This isn’t what Lois had in mind, but we’re here now, aren’t we? Might as well.

Both at once, and with a FRAKOOOOOM, Superman and Jon punch the Eradicator in the face, separating head from neck! Boo-yeah! “Did we do that?!” Jon cries, looking like someone shat in his grandmother’s mouth and then stabbed her with a scimitar. Then the Eradicator erupts like a volcano; fiery ghostly apparitions flow out of his neck stump.

“NOOOOO! WE ARE KRYPTON! AND WE ARE GONE!”

Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #4

That’s not all that’s inside me right now, big boy.

Eradicator loudly laments the freeing of all these captured souls. Now their legacy is no longer preserved! Eek! Ope!

Then there’s an even GIANTER explosion. And maybe they all died! But we’ll see later. Right now, we’re back in Metropolis where a burly man is arm wrestling another burly man in a bar. This one is for all the marbles! Burly Man #1 makes fun of Dead Superman, so Burly Man #2 wins instantly and tells him to stop bad-mouthin’ “the world’s greatest sooper-hero” in his bar.

Burly Bar Owner wins a moon rock, which Burly Man #1 got from an astronaut. Suddenly, the moon rock starts floating in the air and the bar starts shaking like an earthquake.

I barely know what happens next and I read the damn thing. The moon rock explodes (I think) into a torrent of fiery souls (it looks like) and Superman and Jon Kent appear collapsed and half-conscious on the pool table (that one is for certain). The barman calls him “Sooperman”. Lois is there too, but she’s fully conscious. “SOMETHING’S WRONG – THEY’RE IN PAIN!” she yells, not wondering where the hell they are or how they got there, apparently.

Ah, it turns out the moon rock didn’t explode, so that was something else I guess. The moon rock still hovers while trillions of souls start orbiting it like tiny, little, buzzy electrons. Lois recognizes this buzzy orbiting! There must be some dang Kryptonite in that rock! She has to get rid of it before Superman dies of Kryptonite laryngitis!

Meanwhile, patrons are becoming possessed by the spirits of the long lost Kryptonians. A real bruhaha breaks out, I tell you whut.

Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #4

Fuckin’ Supes. That guy tips well, good ol’ Supes.

So, the moon rock (a piece of the planet Krypton) starts getting sucked up into a vortex, but Lois wants to hang onto it before it gets sucked up into the vortex. Just as Superman’s soul starts leaving his eyes and mouth, the barman grabs the rock and hurls it out through his own glass window. “FOR SUPES!” he hollers like an idiot.

Spirits go flying every which-way. Superman is still caught up in… whatever it is that he’s caught up in… and starts having visions of talking to his father on the farm.

“…you’re always right where someone needs to be,” says Pa.

“Can you… come with me?” asks Clark.

“Can’t do that, son, you’ve got your own family to look after now.” Pa smiles his cheesy boy-howdy aw-shucks Kansas farmer smile. “It’s the duty of the living to carry on the name of those of us who can’t so we can rest easy… so that you can be free.”

Superman gets up and starts walking with his family. Lois is like “what the fuck is going on?” Superman can hear the voices from the spirits, and they’re happy to be free. Free for the first time since the Eradicator sucked them all up through a straw.

Jon notices that the Eradicator is not dead. Far from it. He looms outside the bar now in his Final Form. “FREEDOM IS ONLY WITHIN,” he says. Superman is not happy that this jobber is back.

And he starts sucking up souls again.

Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #4

Lousy mudbloods.

And then he goes after Jon’s tender little soul. “STAY AWAY FROM ME!” he bellows. In 10 cycles, the Eradictor will have fully rebooted and Jon’s soul is all slurped up like spaghetti. Jon wants to fight, but Superman tells him to get the hell out of here as fast as your stumpy little legs can carry you.

Eradicator gets to 9 cycles when Superman and his family book it, and at 8 cycles when the barman looks on in disappointment and disgust that Superman just ran away from the Bad Guy.

“A WORLD AWAITS, KAL-EL! THE HOUSE OF YOUR FATHER… AND YOUR MOTHER. WHY RUN FROM YOUR BIRTHRIGHT… WHEN YOU CAN WALK DOWN YOUR ANCESTRAL HALLS ONCE AGAIN? THE BOY STANDS IN THE WAY OF OUR FUTURE.”

Jon tries his fiery eyeball rays. We’re down to 5 cycles. Eradicator chases Superman and his family down like a hawk in heat. Lois points out the very obvious fact that Superman can’t outrun this guy. He’ll have to face him.

Superman listens to the spirits again, because THEY’LL be helpful. Pffft.

Actually, they are I guess. They voluntarily get sucked up by the Eradicator, and then the Eradicator blows up again for some reason.

Right outside the bar, I guess, there’s a dock with a submarine. Superman shoves Jon and Lois into it, I suppose. Then he flies it to the moon, it seems. It’s really dumb.

“The Man of Steel’s got a plan,” says the barman. He’s wrong.

Final Thoughts

How dumb is this shit? What’s Superman’s plan? Leave his family on the moon and away from the Eradicator’s hands. What’s he going to do? Feed them astronaut ice cream for the rest of their lives? Are they going to decorate the interior of their submarine? Nice plan, fuckface. God, I’m so mad.


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Black Science, Issue #4

* Part 4 of 6 of the How to Fall Forever storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Black Science, Issue #4! In the previous installment, we see more of the black science insidiousness! Actually, nothing new happens at all, honestly. Grant’s having an extramarital affair with Rebecca, which will prove to be a vastly unnecessary plot point for the ages. We see a flashback of when the Pillar actually transported everyone to the warzone, which offered no new information. Half the Pillar team (the men) get ambushed by giant robots while the other half of the Pillar Team (the women) hunker down in a trench with their German hostage.

Lots of setup. Will there be payoff? I’m going to keep going regardless. Onward.

Black Science, Issue #4 [February, 2014]
Written by: Rick Remender

Black Science, Issue #4

“To get through a war, a man needs something bigger than himself to fight for. The fate of people he cares for. The state of the world he leaves behind. The honor of a promise.”

Shawn and Ward, carrying Grant, are about 100 yards from the Pillar. Through minefields and bomb shelling. Ward will stop at nothing to help Grant. NOTHING! YOU HEAR ME?!?!

Ahem… so, a couple of Native Americans on horseback notice Ward and Shawn trudgin’ along. As Team Pillar board a jeep, the Native Americans begin tailing them. Only two minutes, two measly minutes, before the Pillar jumps and they’re left stranded in the middle of some bullshit German/Native America war planet.

While driving, Ward aims his ol’ six-shooter behind him and BLAMM’s these dudes off their horses. Their high horses, if you ask me.

Ward thinks of the children. Those poor children. Poor, hapless, dumb children. Without their stupid father? Say it ain’t gonna be so!

One of the Native American dudes launches a rocket at the jeep, blowing it up into many smithereens. Now Ward has a concussion and Shawn is scrambling to get out of the way.

Ward is able to pull some barbed wire tight and decapitate this last mofo. Decapitate him right through the neck.

Black Science, Issue #4

GAKK, sir! My poor noggin’!

Kadir shows up out of nowhere grabs this really neato laser hatchet that the dead guy was carrying. Ward appears to be missing a few teeth now, the sexy beast. Only thirty more feet to the Pillar, and it’s starting to glow! Too bad that another wave of rocket-launchin’ Native Americans show up. Kadir poops his pants while Ward yells at him to help him hold them off. Kadir’s a businessman! He doesn’t have the wherewithal for laser hatcheting! But Ward’s scary, toothless face lights the fire under Kadir’s tender rumpus and… he doesn’t really help. Ward gets ambushed, and now he’s fighting this guy one-on-one while leaving the rest of his team vulnerable.

Kadir looks at the hatchet like it’s about to expel semen all over his face.

Ward is in the trench now, and he has subdued his opponent. Ward asks Kadir very kindly to throw him the hatchet, and what does Kadir do? He fucking runs off scared in the opposite direction! The lack of honor in this one shames everyone! This will be on his tombstone: “HERE LIES KADIR. HE POOPED HIS PANTS LIKE AN IDIOT. STUPID PANTS POOPER.”

Long story short, two Native Americans corner Ward and hatchet his head off while Kadir keeps running toward the Pillar.

Oh, I see! It wasn’t Grant that the team was carrying. It’s the shaman! And they still have him. This is why they’re getting ganged up on by fiendish Native Americans! It all makes sense now! Enlightenment!

Black Science, Issue #4

Poopypants needs to be saved too, you guys! Let the nice guys win once in a while!

Eight seconds until Pillar Jumpy Time. The team is all there, except for Ward of course. “He was right behind me!” says Kadir, like a little doofus weenie. “He told me to run!”

DEEP. Large bright, white flash of light. Who knows where they’re at now? Probably fighting Zoidbergs in the year 3002. Grant wakes up in a bed, healed, in a high-rise building. Through the enormous windows there are dirigibles floating everywhere! A sight to behold!

Here’s another sight to behold: Rebecca shows up in her sexy underwear, fresh out of the shower, with a bottle of scotch in one hand. Yeah, buddy. Fill that glass to the brim.

She tells Grant that the shaman didn’t want to help at first until his kids were bawling. The kids are next door with Shawn, by the way, playing Guitar Hero or something. “We finally jumped into a place where everything isn’t immediately trying to kill us,” she adds.

Grant gets briefed: “The Pillar is fucked.”

Grant gets briefed further: “And we don’t have any of the materials to fix it.”

After throwing his own pity party, Grant circles back to the original problem at hand: someone tried to sabotage the Pillar. Remember? I barely do! Rebecca doesn’t want to even bother thinking about that until they’re all safe at home. Whenever that will be. Good thing they seem to be in some sort of advanced tech world. Maybe they can scrounge up some unobtainium sooner rather than later.

They’ve already pillaged some useful goodies, though! That’s a start. Maybe a couple more lucky jumps will allow them to get some more stuff they need, right? Optimism and all that.

Grant’s like “Well, good thing Ward is here. Good ol’ Ward. Definitely-Not-Dead Ward, right where we need him. He’ll continue to be a great asset to our team! Never gonna let you down, never gonna die Ward. Love that guy. How’s he doing?”

Black Science, Issue #4

Hey, the locals are just as smart as we are!

Awkward… let’s leave that unpleasantness for now. Downstairs in the lobby, where the many alien specimens meet and greet, Chandra was able to pawn her gold bracelet for some cash for the vending machine. This stuff might be edible and not at all poisonous, who knows? Who cares? Gotta eat or we’ll all die, that’s my motto.

“We need to talk,” Chandra says to Kadir. “It’s important we’re on the same page, Kadir.”

“Talk?” he responds, mouth full of dog food or whatever was in that vending machine.

“I saw what happened. I saw you leave Ward behind.”

Kadir chokes on his puppy chow, but Chandra assures him that it’s ok. “It was the right move,” she says, groping Kadir’s inner thigh. “Self-preservation is a basic instinct. And Ward was going to make things difficult. Now he can’t push you around anymore.”

Uh oh! Drama! Let’s leave that ugly scene and see what Shawn and the kids are up to. Shawn is marveling at all the new alien species they’ve encountered during their stay! Like, wowzers! Far out, man! Meanwhile, the kids are huddled up in bed with nary a wink of sleep ‘tween the two of them. “Nate needs his insulin,” Pia says. “Mom told me to bring some with. But I forgot. Didn’t think we’d stay at the lab very long.”

Insulin! Insulin my left foot! Who needs insulin?! CHECK OUT THE ALIENS!

Pia imagines that her mom found the insulin. She imagines that her mom has been calling the lab for hours and hours now. Maybe the police have shown up by now, too. Shawn assures her that, pretty soon, they’ll all be back at home. “Rebecca, Grant, and I built the Pillar. We can fix it.”

Black Science, Issue #4

Well, sure, there’s that. But look on the bright side! He only forgot, like, eight of your birthdays!

Shawn is taken aback by this weird “asshole” remark. Shawn’s about ready to suck Grant’s dick as a rebuttal, actually. That’ll show Pia. “Look… I know this has been scary. But you gotta have some faith in your old man. He knows what he’s doing.”

Almost concurrently with Shawn’s stupid-ass words, a giant figure ZZRRPs into existence. The figure is wearing a gas mask so we can’t see his face, but I’m certain it’s Richard Lewis’ ghost. “They’re here,” he says into a radio. “Alive and well. They’re with him.”

“Hurry then,” responds the voice at the other end. “Get them back!”

“Don’t worry. They won’t be making anymore jumps. We’ll all be together again soon.”

Final Thoughts

This comic better hurry up on making me care about what’s going on because all I’ve seen so far is a sexy, scantily clad engineer and something about a Pillar? I haven’t been paying much attention at all! Where the hell is Superman at, by the way?


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