She-Hulk (Vol. 3), Issue #5 – “Blue (Part 1)”

* Part 5 of 6 of the Law and Disorder storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: She-Hulk (Vol. 3), Issue #5 – “Blue (Part 1)”! In the previous installment, everything with the Vernard storyline gets wrapped up with the prettiest bow in the dresser. Walters visits Latveria, tells Doom that Vernard wants to find his own identity, and Doom was like “ok.” It was really stupid.

Now there’s a mysterious “blue file” that lists Walters among the many defendants of a North Dakota trial something or other. This was shoehorned in and now will take up the last two issues of the storyline because Charles Soule did a big “whoops I wrapped things up too quickly”.

I guess we gotta go with the flow, then.

She-Hulk (Vol. 3), Issue #5 [August, 2014]
Written by: Charles Soule
“Blue (Part 1)”

She-Hulk (Vol. 3), Issue #5

Ridgewood, Queens, where A. Savage from Parquet Courts was walking through so stoned and starving. She-Hulk looks like complete shit now, so that means we’ve got a new artist on our hands! Yuck x100.

Walters knocks on the door of a man named Herman Schultz. The apartment building is as run down as you can possibly imagine. Schultz wears a wife beater and starts running away as fast as his little legs can carry him. Walters is perplexed as Schultz leaps through a fucking window and lands on the fire escape. Walters is already waiting for him at the base as he runs down the steps. “You gonna run back upstairs?” she asks him. “That’s okay, but fair warning, eventually I’ll probably get bored and rip the whole fire escape off the wall.”

She has a few questions. It should take ten minutes. Fine. They congenially walk back up to Schultz’s apartment where he hunches over a box of cold, shitty Chinese food.

Walters tells him that she’s a lawyer! Whew, now that we have that out of the way, we–

NOT ONLY THAT, BUT YOU’RE A HULK. Men like Schultz stay away from those damn Hulks. They’re mean and nasty, worse than your Daredevils or Iron Fists or even your… WAY WORSE than your Captain Americas. That guy smells like Oil of Olay and you can see the drool spots on his uniform.

Thors are pretty scary, too.

She-Hulk (Vol. 3), Issue #5

There’s the iron Thor, the spidery Thor, the Thor with the bow and arrow, and the green Hulky Thor! All Thors.

Walters is here to talk to Schultz they both got sued in North Dakota, among others as well. She didn’t get served. Did he? He looks over paperwork and goes “duhhhh, I ‘unno. My memory isn’t what it used to be.” I guess the Schultz guy is named Shocker and all these shocks have done a number on his brain all these years. Funny, he looks like such a smart guy!

Well, Walters bought him the Chinese food so he owes her one. He’ll look into it. Nice guy, this Schultz. He looks like he saves his poops in jars for special occasions.

Over in North Dakota, where the temperature is –450 degrees and Buscemis get thrown into woodchippers, Angie Huang drives with her monkey in the passenger seat. She’s going to see what they have in the county records office in Crosby (population 1,065). And maybe stop at a Waffle House or whatever the fuck else they have in North Dakota. Maybe a Big Boy.

Huang drives by what looks like a ghost town that’s so suspicious that she has to stop and investigate. “Do you feel it, Hei Hei?” she says to her monkey. “Something happened here. I can almost… see… it.”

Her eyes get swirly and she starts seeing visions of some sort of sorcerer setting fires and throwing around cars and destroying the village and causing quite an inconvenient ruckus. Well, shit.

In Manhattan, Hellcat is dancing around with a similar cat-like superhero. They talk about how great they are and how great the other is. The other cat-like superhero, Tigra, is a furry’s wet dream.

They flip around a poolside jungle gym while talking about Hellcat’s new venture with She-Hulk; how She-Hulk started her own business and how it’s going. There’s a lot of words that I’m not going to repeat or summarize too hard, but Hellcat is there to see her friend because she’s yet another defendant in the mystery case that no one knows anything about. Tigra knows nothing about it either, but she chokes when she hears the name “George Saywitz”.

And then she gets fighty. And hissy.

She-Hulk (Vol. 3), Issue #5

Back off, catty. Who do you think you are, Selina Fucking Kyle?

Meanwhile, Herman Schultz set his shocker wrist band to low and cooked his brain a little bit for fun. He looks up at Walters all red-and-bleary-eyed. “Sometimes that… shakes things loose… it scrambles the eggs in just the right way.” Well, fuck you sir, for probably ruining your decrepit memory further.

In Crosby, North Dakota, Angie Huang walks into the records office and is greeted by a friendly guy straight out of Fargo. She presents a ticket with a number that’s not in the computer records, so she came to the office in person to check out the physical copies.

“There’s a reason this one’s not in the computer,” the man says, unlocking a door behind him. “We had a flood a while back, lost a ton of records. The ones we do have are all mixed up. You’re welcome to take a look…”

The room is filled with boxes upon boxes of paperwork that had gotten wet previously. There’s no heat in the room. There’s barely even any light. Have fun!

Hellcat is still trying to fend off the weirdly psychotic-all-of-a-sudden Tigra. Hellcat smacks her over the head with a pool chair WWE-style and she crumples to the ground. But then she gets up and slices some wounds into Hellcat, who crumples to the ground herself. She seems much more defeated. Tigra walks away while Hellcat remains hurt and confused.

She-Hulk (Vol. 3), Issue #5

Hey, this guy’s all right! Round up the lawyers and shoot ‘em into the sun! I agree!

Herman Schultz is remembering something. Someone was trying to fix something, and She-Hulk and all the good guys were there trying to stop it… and that’s all he knows.

Cool, good enough. Here are your gauntlets back, Sparky.

Huang found what she was looking for, but a swirly-eyed Records Office Man shoots her in the back of the head with a gun. The gun goes “POP”. Not even “BANG” which seems more appropriate.

Hellcat and Tigra are still fighting boringly. Both are bleeding all over the place and seems like Hellcat gets in a sucker punch that knocks Tigra out cold. Hellcat tries to call Walters, but Walters lets it go to voicemail.

“Jen… it’s Patsy… something happened with Tigra. The minute I mentioned the case to her, she went… she went crazy. Attacked me. Hurt me. Real bad. And then she was going to… she was going to kill herself. I hit her on the head…. really hard. I don’t know, Jen. We need an ambulance… I’ll call for help… but it happened right when I talked to her about the blue file. I know you were supposed to talk to people today too – I think the case… I think it’s a trigger. Don’t talk to anyone about it.”

OK, well whoops! She triggered Shocker like a fucktard lib. Ha, owned!

While the message goes to voicemail, Walters is talking to Wyatt Wingfoot, who is currently scaling a mountain with four screaming, dangling kids on the rope behind him. One second away from plummeting to their doom! Walters is about to tell him all about the blue file…

Final Thoughts

I thought the art sucked before, but this art really sucks. It’s like if Jackson Pollock shoved a brush up his butt and then farted and then took the brush out and then hired Ronald Wimberly to draw the issue. Which is exactly what happened minus the brush fart part.


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Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #5

* Part 5 of 6 of the Archie (Vol 2) Volume 1 collection *

Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #5! In the previous installment, we learn about the “lipstick incident” and its mind-crushingly underwhelming details (Betty wore lipstick to a date, Archie was weirded out).

Well, luckily Veronica is there to bolster his plummeting spirits!

Jughead still has a mission to knock some sense into Archie, and Betty is still on board… but now they have a secret weapon…

Fuckin’ Reggie, man! Reggie’s gonna put some itching powder in Archie’s underpants like the greaser scamp that he is!

Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #5 [February, 2016]
Written by: Mark Waid

Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #5

Archie points to Reggie Mantle, who is speeding along at 500 mph in his convertible, and tells us that he’s going to have to save two of his friends from this jagoff. Reggie used to be Riverdale’s richest kid until Veronica showed up. Richest and most hated. He’s a jerk who throws gum on the sidewalk and mangles kids’ bicycles and doesn’t finish his mashed potatoes at dinner. “Mantle’s the closest thing Riverdale has to a supervillain.”

Archie and Reggie bonded once in 4th grade. Reggie told him the following joke, which has stuck with Archie ever since:

“Guy walks into a pet shop. He lives in a tiny apartment with thin walls, so he wants something a) small, and b) quiet. He buys a centipede. Next morning, he’s hot to take the centipede for a walk. He unscrews its jar lid and says ‘Hey buddy! Want to go to the park?’ He expects the centipede to be excited, but: no reaction at all. Guy waits. After a minute, he repeats, ‘Want to go to the park?’ Nothing. Our guy is getting frustrated. Finally he yells, ‘DO YOU WANT TO GO TO THE PARK?’ And the centipede looks up at him and says–”

“ARCHIE!”

Whoops, no time to finish the joke! The literal last word of the joke! Veronica’s calling. You know, Veronica with the billions of dollars and the sexy vagina? She needs Archie to set up a tent in her backyard for a party. Archie points out correctly that Veronica’s family has an entire staff of people on her property that can do this for her. Veronica points out correctly that she’ll be too much of a bitch to the staff and some of them will quit, per her dad. But Archie won’t quit. He wants some of that sexy vagina.

Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #5

Archie succumbs to autoerotic asphyxiation while Veronica tells him he’s being just too silly.

Archie tries to help, but he’s really fucking bad at it. Veronica wonders if the party she’s throwing, which is intended to get to know all her schoolmates, will be worth all the trouble. She thinks maybe she’s too beautiful and rich to make friends with any of these peons. Archie’s like “WHADDAYA MEAN? RIVERDALE IS FULL OF HAPPY CUSTOMERS! NO DRAMA AT ALL, REALLY, ANYWHERE, I PROMISE, HA HA, WHAT?”

Meanwhile, Sheila hides in the bushes taking snapshots of Archie flailing around with the tent while Veronica sits there watching. Veronica notices and asks Archie if this cunt is stalking her, to which he replies “WHADDAYA MEAN? RIVERDALE IS FULL OF HAPPY CUSTOMERS! NO DRAMA AT ALL, REALLY, ANYWHERE, I PROMISE, HA HA, WHAT?” but also Sheila wants to be a fashion designer so maybe she’s trying to, uh, get some ideas?

Archie had every right to be suspicious because the circumstances are suspicious. Because Reggie is involved, and where Reggie goes there’s a putrid stank that follows.

Speaking of the Stank Devil, Reggie’s on his motorcycle talking to someone mysterious. They’re going to meet under the bleachers tomorrow for a chat. Perhaps a kiss? Pucker up, Reginald.

Sheila suddenly tumbles down a nearby hill and almost breaks the camera. The last photo on the camera is Archie tangled up in the tent, which causes Reggie to sneer derisively. “Stalk much? Why’s everyone into Andrews? Gross.”

Sheila snatches the camera from Reggie’s poop-covered hands and tells him to shut his yap. They have a quiet conversation about something the audience can’t read, maybe something about Jughead’s squirrel-fuckin’ habit, and Sheila tells Reggie to promise keeping a secret.

It’s probably not really about Jughead’s squirrel-fuckin’, but I’m not ruling it out either.

Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #5

And don’t fuck any squirrels along the way, Jughead Jr.

Reggie meets under the bleachers with his unknown rendezvous partners… Jughead and Betty. “We have a goal, but no devious plan to get there,” explains Betty. “That’s why we’ve turned to the master.”

Reggie is intrigued! And usually only Girls Gone Wild VHS tapes intrigue Reggie.

“We need to save Archie from Veronica,” says Betty.

“’Save’? Yes. How horrible,” Reggie sneers. “To be adored by a beautiful million-heiress. Jealous much?”

Betty defends herself poorly. This does smack of jealousy; I can see it from a mile away! But she insists that Archie’s a damn doormat and he needs to find a girl who will respect him. Reggie asks what’s in it for him if he breaks up those two lovebirds. Betty says Veronica will be up for grabs! Swoop in, Reg my man!

He wants to earn Veronica’s sexy vagina, not have it handed to him. No, no, that won’t do at all. Better arrange for him to get a fake ID instead. His own sources are tapped out, as they say.

Betty cringes as she makes the deal. Reggie smiles devilishly. And dapperly, I might add!

Here’s the plan: Archie plays guitar, right? And girls fawn over him sickeningly, right?

Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #5

I know the answer to this one! It’s because Archie is an idiot who doesn’t even notice all that low-hanging fruit and he’s too dumb to partake! Did I get it right? Wait.

Anyway, Archie doesn’t fuck the fruit because he’s a decent dude who isn’t prowling for pussy. Reggie thinks that’s insane, but whatever. To each his own.

“So what if he sees Veronica at her worst? Like, really going eleven on some innocent, defenseless, undeserving person?” Reggie posits.

“He’ll drop her like a stone,” Betty smiles, nudging Jughead in the ribs.

“Archie hates bullies,” Jughead agrees. “That would work. I volunteer.”

Jughead’s going to be the innocent person in question. Perfect! Reggie gives them three days to produce a fake ID and he goes on his way. “I can fix your problem within the hour. Watch and learn.”

Back in the school, Archie tries to tell the joke again and notices Reggie, Betty, and Jughead all coming through the front doors with identical amounts of mud on their pants and shoes. He narrows his eyes like Philip J. Fry before Veronica demands his attention again. The joke remains unfinished. What a tease, sir! I wanna know what the dang centipede said!

Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #5

He keeps mustard in his underpants.

Sigh. Oh well. Archie, suspicious, asks Jughead why he was hanging out with Reggie, and Jughead admits the truth about the fake ID part of things.

Meanwhile, Reggie is at Sheila’s locker telling her to get a move-on about the “unveiling”. She runs off before she can close her locker, which Reggie takes advantage of tout suite!

“Sheila’s really got the rage on for Red,” he tells a passing-by Veronica, showing her the dozens of Archie photos taped to Sheila’s locker. “Thought you should know.”

With the implication that Sheila might steal her boy, Veronica turns purple and grits her teeth. “NO ONE. STEALS. FROM A LODGE.”

She grabs Archie by the scruff and storms off. Jughead wonders if this was a bad idea, especially since he was supposed to be the innocent person! Not Sheila! What are these shenanigans?! Reggie says this is better, and let’s come watch the show!

Veronica confronts Sheila outside a classroom where her “project” will be unveiled. Reggie hopes that the door doesn’t get opened yet, but Betty takes it upon herself to unveil the project early. Everyone stares into the room dumbfounded.

“Forgive me, Archie. I wasn’t creeping on you. You’re not my type, to be honest,” says Sheila as she presents a small group of kids showing off their preppy Archie-type outfits. “But when I saw you on stage at homecoming… you broke my designer’s block.”

Veronica is amazed by the clothes. She gushes and squeals and reviews them quite effusively and positively. The Archieness just OOZES from all of their pores. “I love it.” She grabs Sheila’s shoulders. “I’ll have Daddy put you in touch with some manufacturers.”

Reggie bangs his head against the doorframe.

LATER, Veronica’s party is in full swing. Betty and Jughead talk far away from the tent about Veronica’s clear love for Archie’s aesthetic. Maybe she is right for him. Maybe–

“What?” says Juggie. “Tell me you’re not giving this unholy union your blessing. He’s a human being, not her puppy.”

“He’ll get over the fawning,” Betty replies glumly. “Before long, he’ll be like the centipede in the joke. She’ll call and call and call him.”

“And when he doesn’t answer, she’ll devour him.”

Well, sir, Betty wants Archie to be happy. And she makes him happy. With her sexy vagina and all that.

Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #5

Hey, I grew up in Bebop myself!

Archie made Reggie a shitty ID, so at least there’s that! “Consider your debt paid,” he smirks smugly. “Don’t mess with my friends, Mantle. EVER.” Archie walks away while Reggie seethes and froths.

Archie catches Jughead and Betty outside of the tent. “I don’t think you guys should be here,” he says, head hanging down. “You and Reggie were mixed up in… something. I don’t know the details. I don’t want to. But I suspect it had something to do with me and Ronnie… and… and… I dunno… I just… I need some time.”

The loser walks away.

Oh yeah, and the end of the joke is “I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME! I’M PUTTING ON MY SHOES!”

Because it takes the centipede a long time to put on shoes, you see.

EPILOGUE! Reggie tries to hit on a college girl outside a bar, but he gets called out for being a high school sophomore. Nice fake ID, idiot. Better luck next time getting some of that sexy vagina.

Final Thoughts

Hey, local dweeb Mark Waid can actually write a character that’s a believable punk-ass piece of shit. This Reggie cat is all right!

Archie is the least compelling character in his own comic book. Figures.


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The Dragon Reborn (Book 3) – Chapter 17: “The Red Sister”

The Wheel of Time - Book 3 - The Dragon Reborn

Elaida, Queen Morgases personal Red Ajah Aes Sedai, enters the room. She is described as “handsome”, which means manly! The first thing she does is chide Elayne for perhaps destroying a 1000-year-old Caemlyn/Tar Valon alliance. The next thing she does is fart, basically. Red Ajah can suck it.

She asks the three young whipper-snappers if they know that Black Ajah are loose and running all willy-nilly. The three are surprised that they were asked such a question brazenly. Nynaeve is careful with her words and explains that, yes, they were told this information earlier. Elaida tells them that disappearing with Liandrin for months is seen as suspicious, so they had better watch themselves going forward. And since she needs to protect Elayne, she may as well protect all three of them, so Elaida needs to know every single detail of their disappearance. It sure seems to me that a lot of Aes Sedai are meddling with these girls, trying to siphon out information. Who is there left to trust! The Wheel Wills as the Wheel Wills and the Pattern is Woven and etc.

Egwene is also careful with her words and explains that they were out on a mission to bring their very sick friend, Mat, to be Healed. Elaida recognizes Mat’s name and knows he has come from the same village as Rand, no? The Dragon Reborn! Nynaeve merely says that they all haven’t seen Rand in a long time and that she wishes him all the luck in his Dragon Rebirth adventures.

The door opens again and this time it’s Sheriam. Elaida leaves. Nynaeve asks Sheriam about the Gray Man openly in front of Elayne, and due to Elayne’s lack of surprised reaction, Sheriam guesses correctly that Nynaeve and Egwene did exactly what they were told not to do. Now that makes seven people in the Tower who know. Bah! So, going forward, speak of this to no one by Sheriam and Siuan. Capisce?

Sheriam orders the three to follow her. Per Aes Sedai tradition, a Healing is performed in front of all those who brought in the sick one. Egwene is overjoyed that Mat will be Healed after all, which perplexes Sheriam. Why would she have worried about that at all? Ha ha ha! Silly little thing!

So next we’re going to see a group of women fumble their way through Healing Mat and then turning him into a toad or something. You love to see it.


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Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #12 – “Inheritance”

* Part 5 of 5 of the Girl in the World storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #12 – “Inheritance”! In the previous installment, Kara goes out on a date with Irish Tom that lasts exactly four minutes before she gets accosted and assaulted by the dude who was wearing the shapeshifting suit in Issue #10. As you can imagine, this is over before it starts.

The lesson here is that Supergirl can’t make any friends because she’s a danger to those around her. She leaves Siobhan and Tom in the dust and goes off to figure everything out alone. So we’re sort of back to square one again, resulting in a very lackluster and cliffhanger-free storyline! Gotta love it!

Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #12 [October, 2012]
Written by: Michael Green & Mike Johnson
“Inheritance”

Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #12

Cover: “A mystery awaits at the bottom of the sea… but so does DEATH!” Looks like I’m in for another stupid fuckass suspense story that the New 52 is so good at giving me. Why is Supergirl hanging out in the ocean all of a sudden? I’m not impressed! Can’t she just eat these weird toothy eels? Sushi is underrated in the DC universe.

Where was I? Oh yes, so Kara reminisces about her father taking her to see the city Kandor when she was but a tiny little whelp of a girl. Now she sees it again under a glass dome in Superman’s hidey-hole.

“What about the people trapped inside the city?” Kara asks.

“They are still alive, but in stasis,” Superman responds. “I’m trying to find a way to free them.” OK, how about this, sir: break the fucking glass. Here, I have a hammer right here. Just do it, fucker.

No? Fine. Superman is surprised to see Kara her since Supergirl pretty much kicked his ass that one time. She believes now, probably, maybe, sure why not, that Superman is indeed her baby cousin. You know, because of time warps and exploding planets and other things I don’t remember very well anymore. Kara’s just confused, and she still doesn’t trust Superman, and woe is me and whatnot.

“They’re all pieces of the puzzle I’m still trying to solve,” Kara says sadly. “And you’re another piece of it.”

Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #12

Yes, that’s very helpful. Thank you, Cillian Murphy.

Superman assures the lass that she doesn’t have to go through any of this alone. Really, honest to God, and for serious. “You can stay here in my arctic fortress,” he says as if that were at all enticing. “You’ll be safe. It’s the closest thing to a piece of Krypton that’s left now.”

Kara looks huffy. This isn’t a piece of Krypton. It’s a piece of shit. “It’s more like… a museum. A faint echo.”

Anyway, enough bellyachin’. Superman said he’d help her, so make with the helping! Superman goes to his magic hologram crystal ball and starts blah-blah-blahing about Kara travelling in a pod in statis and orbitting the yellow sun for about five years, so she got a dose of the sweet, sweet sun equal to how much Superman has been getting filtered through the atmosphere since he was a wee lad. He looks jealous since Kara got to get strong with no effort. Superman had to lift weights.

Kara surmises that someone did this on purpose. Someone wanted her to be strong when she woke up from stasis, but there’s no way to know that for sure. Oh well! Time for bed!

*intermission*

Superman did discover that, although Kara’s pod broke apart upon arrival to Earth, there is a huge chunk that has gone missing. It’s somewhere on the bottom of the ocean next to Malaysian Airlines Flight 370. It might be nothing but pod garbage, OR it might possibly have a wealth of information that answers every single question that you might have! Grab your scuba gear, sister!

Superman wants to help, but Kara is so fucking stubborn about this “doing it alone” business that she tells him to shove off. “Maybe we are family, but I don’t know that for sure, and until I do, I’ll go it alone.” After Superman tells her it’s not safe to go alone, Kara freaks the fuck out at him.

Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #12

Listen, we could argue who is trying to keep who under control until the cows come home. Now listen to me and do everything I say.

Superman argues that he’s been living here for decades and knows his way around the bottom of the ocean a little bit better than she does! Kara’s ready to fight him again if he doesn’t back off, though. “Just say the word and I’ll show you,” she says placidly.

…

Superman is like “fine, whatever” and goes back to his Hamburger Helper dinner. Soon enough, Supergirl skids across the ocean wondering if she made a big mistake not getting Superman’s help. “What if he’s right? What if I just cause more destruction?” she asks herself. “So what should I do? Stay locked away in his creepy museum?”

She hovers over a spot in the ocean that has a weird, mechanical voice calling her name. Perfect! Time to hold your breath and dive down to fight the Giant Mechanical Squid of Death and Destruction or whatever awaits! Or maybe it’s coming from the chunk of space pod that’s left down there. Or maybe someone dropped a walkie-talkie back in the 1950s.

She dives to the bottom of the ocean and enters an underwater canyon. Soon enough, the weird eel things from the cover art start wrapping themselves around her, snapping and hissing and biting and lookin’ for a fracas. Supergirl stays calm, but this is bullshit so she won’t be able to stay calm forever. “It’s like every lifeform on this planet just wants to attack,” she frowns while one of the eels snaps at her cheek. They start attempting to pull her down, down down, deeper in the water until she goes “fuck this” and tears them up with eyeball fire.

She’s beginning to run out breath when another eel wraps around her neck. This is it, mama! This is the end! GULP! BLUB!

…

And then it isn’t. She wakes up on the floor of the ocean, not needing to breathe, eels all gone. Convenient! She follows the continuing sounds of the mechanical voice…

Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #12

“SUPERGIRL… COME CLOSER… WE HAVE… SKEE-BALL…”

Around the bend she finds a giant underwater crystal cathedral that certainly doesn’t look a piece of pod debris. Kryptonian phrases keep echoing out of its brilliantly incandescent doorway. All like “COME ON IN! I MADE COOKIES!”

Supergirl recognizes the Kryptonian design, but decides that it’s definitely not from her pod. She ascends the crystal steps that lead to the doorway and sticks her hand through the opaque barrier. Then she walks through it. “Incredible! I could feel it passing through me! Not like a physical sensation… more like… an emotion… a memory… reassuring me… welcoming me home!”

That’s called an orgasm, dear, and you ain’t never had one of those so don’t even try and fake it.

As she maneuvers through the weird crystal structure, she hears the voice now from above. “HALA VAL KARA” and “VA EL-KRYPTON”. Then it starts actually saying things like “Oh good, you’re here! How do you like the place? Isn’t it great? There’s a pool table in the basement!”

Supergirl finds the haunting disembodied voice strikingly familiar. Definitely someone Kryptonian, though. Is Rodney Dangerfield Kryptonian? He had a distinctive voice!

She keeps moving through the halls, following the voice, wondering where she is or what is going on or when the comic book is going to be over.

“Welcome to the heart of the operation, as it were,” says the voice. Supergirl enters the room that looks like one of those cathedrals in Hell. Like, all red with vaguely Satanic imagery and a strange shadowy man standing before her. “Before the punching starts, please hear me out,” the figure says. That’s promising.

“I’ve never wanted to hurt you. I’ve only ever wanted to understand you. Who you are, where you came from, what you can teach us. Thanks to this… incredible place, I’m finally making progress.”

Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #12

Cosmo Kramer?!

It’s Simon Tycho. He was a baddie in the first story. He stole a drop of her blood and ran a ton of experiments!

This whole storyline should’ve been about him. But it wasn’t. It was about some useless Irish family instead. How’s that for hating your audience?

Final Thoughts

It’s going to be a while until I hit the next Supergirl storyline since it’s tied into the New 52 He’l on Earth event with both New 52 Superman and New 52 Superboy, both of which I hear are terrible! I may never get to it even if I live to 100! And I’ll probably die of stress-induced infarctions at 41, so don’t hold your breath about that anyway.


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Normal People – Not Very Normal People

Through the Idiot Glass Disclaimer: There will be spoilers. If you’re even remotely interested in this show and you haven’t yet seen it, or if you’ll be mad if you accidentally read any possible spoilers about it, I’m going to chalk it up to “not my fucking problem”. You have been warned.
Discussion Subject: Normal People, Miniseries (2020) (Hulu, BBC Three)

Normal People

The Premise

Connell Waldron (Paul Mescal) and Marianne Sheridan (Daisy Edgar-Jones) start off the series as high school seniors. Connell is smart, athletic, and has many friends and a loving mother. Marianne is smart, heavily ostracized, and comes from an abusive, but well off, household. What starts off as a secret romance becomes an extremely complex on-again, off-again relationship that we follow over the course of about four years. Connell and Marianne are both, in some ways, damaged and broken, dealing heavily with their own demons as they try to navigate through life with each other, navigate through life without each other, grow together, grow apart, and understand themselves.

There’s also a lot of full frontal nudity from both parties. Yeah baby.

Normal People

Not naked yet, but rest assured that they will be soon enough!

My Half-Baked Thoughts

This show is absolutely devastating and it ruined my life for a few days.

I read the book first and found it very enjoyable, but it didn’t break me like the show did. Not even close. I think Normal People was brilliantly cast, brilliantly acted, brilliantly directed, and brilliantly scored. I’m trying to imagine this show with any subpar elements and it wouldn’t have been pulled off in quite the same way. I doubt I’d even be writing about it right now. But here I am!

I think it’s impossible to talk about my experience with Normal People without going into a lot of personal details about my life. I had a strong, visceral reaction to the show, unlike anything I’ve felt before from any sort of media that I can remember (other than maybe Severance for a very, very different reason altogether). Whatever was going on the book came across much better in the show. I saw a lot of myself in both Connell and Marianne, even as they grew throughout the show. Connell with his inability to express himself, his inability to even know what he wants or how he feels in the moment, his feeling of alienation, his anxiety, his depression. Marianne with her introversion, her warped sense of self-worth, her belief that something might be “wrong” with her, that nothing she can do herself will help her situation. I’ve felt all this at some point or another, and I know I’m not alone in that. Connell and Marianne’s ups and downs throughout twelve episodes were both beautiful and heart-wrenching. Needless to say, I binged the show in about three days. I was a wreck, and even a few days later it’s hard to remember that these are just fictional people created for entertainment. They both seemed so real to me. It’s astounding.

Normal People

Deep down, we’re just a couple of normal people, y’know?

I’m not really equipped to psychoanalyze these two fully, because that would require a doctorate in psychology and I’m not going to get one of those *checks watch* for at least three weeks. I can’t really tell if they were consistent in their behaviors and their emotions based on their nature and their nurture. Some of it I don’t understand completely, like Marianne’s desire to be hurt during sex or Connell’s complete incapability to ask to stay at Marianne’s flat/house for the summer. Some of it I understand all too well, like Marianne’s incessant school bullying or Connell’s struggles with fitting in in a new environment. I think this is where “normal people” comes into play. To an extent, they are everyone. We all have our problems, our vulnerabilities, our insecurities. Seeing it portrayed on screen so vividly and brilliantly, as if it were my own reflection in a mirror, really hurts.

SO LET’S TALK ABOUT THE ENDING! God damn, that ending. I knew it was coming, of course, but it makes me wish I hadn’t read the book first because the show scene was so much more powerful. Christmastime, Marianne is home with Connell for the holidays, Connell and Marianne discuss Connell’s acceptance into a New York Master’s program and she wills him to go even though they both want him to stay. He decides to go. Even writing about it right now is ruining me. How mature did this relationship become that they simultaneously profess their love for one another (again) while understanding what’s best for the other? And that they know something like this won’t ruin the true friendship they have, even if life takes them along different paths and different romantic relationships? And with the very real possibility that Connell may love New York and decide to stay, separating themselves by an ocean indefinitely?

Normal People

That’s ok, go to New York. I’ve been thinking about becoming a fisher off the coasts of East Indonesia anyway.

It’s too fucking much, dude. I can’t handle this right now. I’ll let you, the reader, fill in the wide gaps of what all this might mean to me. Use your wild imagination. It’s none of your business anyway, fucker.

Worth the Watch?

I don’t think this show is for everyone, but I urge anyone who picked up the book — whether they loved it or hated it — to give it a try. I think the show did a much better job of painting Connell and Marianne as sympathetic characters, that we got to see their conversations, their facial expressions, their reactions, their behaviors, and their voices. The book required you to fill in a lot of the blanks, but the show fleshes them out a little bit more fully. And if you want a romantic coming-of-age story that doesn’t feel fake or Hollywood, this is the best I’ve ever seen. Just be prepared to be messed up for a few days after finishing it if you’re sensitive to this kind of stuff.

And if you’re not into any of that at all, maybe you can appreciate the plethora of scenes of extremely-attractive-yet-attainable naked people fucking! Positively pornographic at times. Real erotic stuff. You’ll love it.

Normal People

Let’s get it on like Donkey Kong, my love.


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